Prayer To My King

 "They mock you and they scowl at the sound of your name. They belittle your unending grace. They laugh at the sound of worship, and flee in the sense of uncomfort at the sight of your word, oh Lord."

I live in the corruption of world darkness, but I trust you, God. Forgive them, Lord, for they are lost and sentenced to a life in Hades and Hell without you in their lives. EMBRACE YOUR LIGHT AND GLORY!!  At times, I have fell away from you and your beauty, and replaced myself in the act of rebellious sin. Forgive me, Lord!

  Hear my cry! Be gracious to me, O Lord! Please see my affliction from those who hate me, because you, and only you can lift me up from the gates of death! I want and need to recount all your praises, that I may rejoice in the salvation that I have in you!

I am your child, and I will not let those who deny you, cast me away from you, Father! SEARCH MY HEART and TEST MY MIND! EXAMINE ME!! Make me yours, Father! Forgive me and hear my plea!

For you, my God, are Holy!

"Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come!"

 

 

Father! HEAR ME! Take my heart! Take all that I am! Take my life!!!! Take all of me Lord of hosts! I am yours! Make me new for I am your Bride and your Beloved, and you have called me by name! Worthy are you, my Lord and God.

 

Receive glory and honor, and power, for you created all things!!"

 

 

I love you my Lord!

 

 

 

 

AMEN

 

 



 



 

 



 

 

 



Joy Found Within

I'VE GOT JOY! DOWN IN MY HEART! DEEP, DEEP, DOWN IN MY HEART!!! 

 

 

 This is not going to be a super long post, but I just want to say that God has my heart this morning! (well all the time but you know what I mean!) Right now, at this very moment, my heart is leaping with joy, happiness, and peace, and I must say that it is a BEAUTIFUL feeling!

"Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls." (1 Peter 1:8-9)

This joy that I have is simply elegant, exquisite and beyond measures of complete beauty! I do not even know how to describe it to be honest with you! Ha! I look at that as a good thing!

All I can say is this....

Today I choose life. Every morning when I wake up I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain... To feel the freedom that comes from being able to continue to make mistakes and choices - today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity but embrace it.

LABELS and TRUTH BE TOLD



 



 

 

 

 

          Weird.... Garbage... Low-Life...Lonely. Loser.... Ugly...

          Disgusting... Fat... Freak... Wreck... Stupid...Worthless.

                Slow.....Dumb...Sinner...Lustful...Adultery...Cheater...Liar..

                  Shy...Manipulative...Selfish..

              Fake...Depressed...Bitter...Angry...Hateful...

                Prideful...Addict...Alcoholic...Afraid.

 

 

These are the labels. These are the lies that we call ourselves. These are the names that the world sees us as.

"Even with whatever people want to label me with, there are so many other sides to me."

(Wiz Khalifia)

 

 

 

 

 This is hard to believe and it will probably sound crazy, because we as humans, have this deception that when God changes people, He can't do it overnight. (that deception is wrong by the way) Up until yesterday, I had labels. And they weren't positive ones either. They were the labels of the world and for the longest time, I allowed society to have the majority rule. Up until yesterday, I compared myself  to those who I thought were better than me. I compared to those whose labels I thought were better than those of my own. I labeled myself with negative, deceiving, and manipulated lies of the world every single day. THOSE LABES WERE AND ARE FAKE.

 

 

With what I am about to write, I am going to be honest with you. I am not going to sugar coat, or hide/leave out details.

 

 "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." (James 5:16)

 

  Up until yesterday, I gave myself the label of a sex addict. I would go out of my way to sleep with any guy that I could...and I didn't even know them. Disgusting, I know. Up until yesterday, I had the label as worthless and unloved . Because of my "small but large" addiction to sex, I believed the worldly lie that Christ could not love me. I told myself that because I was caught in sin, I was not forgiven.  That was a lie. I believed that I was worthless because how can someone who doesn't have their parents, no job, lives in a homeless shelter, and had a problem with sex, be considered as someone who has value? Who has self-worth? That was a lie as well.

 

God loves me. He loves me more than what I can ever imagine or comprehend! There are not enough words to describe this love that Christ has for me! There is no human, no earthly man, who can love me the way that Christ loves me! He won't allow someone to even try to love me as much as what He loves me, and its simply and indescribably because God is jealous for me! For me! Now wait a minute here...He can't possibly love someone like me? He can't still possibly love someone who has placed Him last in everything, had sex outside of marriage-not once, but four times! He can't love someone who didn't read her Bible or pray, or attend church for the right reasons. Can He? The answer is yes!

 

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."(John 3:16)

 

"Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends."(John 15:13) 

 

Yesterday, was the day that my heart found Christ. Yesterday, was the day, that my eyes were turned towards Jesus. I have been a Christian ever since I was little and I accepted Christ when I was fourteen and when I was 16, I was baptized for the first time since I was a baby. But let me tell you this...the feeling that I had yesterday, I have never felt the way that I did last night.

 

Last night, I was with Off The Wall Ministry for their weekly Thursday night community night. It is a night where 22+ young adults meet at the "guys house" in a small living room and just talk about God. God is the focus.  Anyway, when it came to worship, the lights were turned off and all you could see with a human eye were silhouettes of young adults, but what I saw, were silhouettes and the hearts of my brothers and sisters in Christ. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen! Seeing everyone with their heads bowed, hands raised, some were dancing, crying, and shouting...all to give praise to our Lord and King!

 

 

Words can not describe this feeling...

 

This feeling that I had, was simply freedom. I was free! What I felt last night, I have never felt before in my life. This feeling is so hard to put into words, but it was so powerful and moving! When we were praising and singing with hearts of worship, I immediately felt like it was just me and Him! Nobody else was in the dark room. I saw Jesus and I got an indescribable amount of warmth over me, I was sweating and I thought I was going to pass out because I was just so moved and so overwhelmed in the presence of God! I literally saw those chains and shackles that have held e captive for so long, and I saw Him BREAK THEM! I saw myself going to the cross and I saw rain. Not earthly rain, but the rain of His grace and His mercy and His love being poured down on me! I saw myself running into His arms because I have been set FREE! His presence literally took my breath away! I have never experienced such joy, such love, such emotion as what I did last night. Last night was the night that I was set free from the labels of the world! I no longer carry the label of a sex addict. I am no longer labeled as worthless or unloved, but worthy, loved, and a Child of God! I am free!

 

 

You don't have to live life with fake labels. You don't have to live in a life of darkness. Let God remove those labels and let Him give you the label as His Beloved. As His Bride. His Child. His one true love!

 

WHAT'S YOUR LABEL, AND WHO WILL REMOVE THEM?

 

 

 

I Deserve Nothing

"I’m 20 years old, I am a nursing major at a university, and I am single.
Many of my friends are married, and a few are starting to have children. And I feel as if I just graduated from high school again. You could say my life is in transition. And it’s true; I am in the middle of shifting myself from the frilly high school drama, to the adult non-drama world of college, but I’ve started to wonder about whether it’s right to refer to my singleness as an in-between stage. What exactly am I in-between again?

“It’s the first day of the rest of my life.” I recently heard someone on TV say this about her wedding day, and it really bothered me. While I don’t want to discount the gift of marriage, I must say I’m a bit confused and frustrated with this sentiment. I’ve heard the cliché before, but I suddenly felt the weight of it. As if it equates marriage as the start of life, or at least the good part.

Don’t misunderstand my frustration; I think there is a beautiful element of starting a new family with your spouse. I’m all for godly marriage. But what I’m afraid of is viewing life through the lens of marriage as the goal. For waiting to get married before life starts. I’m afraid, because I’m afraid it has happened to me. I’ve been living like I’m waiting for someone to get here. And it isn’t Jesus.

I’ve wasted my time, my energy, and my emotions on this concept that singleness is just a waiting room for a relationship. I’m tired of this view that my life begins when I wake up next to my husband, because I’m pretty sure my life began 20 years ago when my mom gave birth to me. And this mentality has robbed my joy.

As much as I’d like to place all the blame on Christian culture, the perpetual “Have you met anyone yet?” question the world asks me, and the reality that my Facebook feed looks more like a Pinterest wedding board these days, I am convicted of my own failures.

I’ve been living like God owes me something. Like he hasn’t held up his end of the deal. He has given me the desire for relationship and marriage, and he just hasn’t followed through.
I’ve been living under the impression that I deserve a relationship.

I’d be lying if I said Christian culture does much to inhibit this mentality. There seems to be a deep understanding and appreciation for the gift of marriage, but not so much for the gift of singleness (if it’s treated like a gift at all). Rather, singleness is something to be cured. Like I’ve got a disease, and introducing me to your single friend might perhaps cure us both. Singleness is the lump of coal, the gift that is never on your Christmas list.

There are at least a handful of us standing around, wondering what happened. (After all, I have been pretty nice this year.)

But it’s never been about being entitled, or even about being nice. I have to stop thinking that I’m doing something wrong here.
Well actually I am, but it isn’t about fixing something that will magically make a boyfriend appear. It is about changing the direction of my heart.

 “I’d rather have the right God than the wrong man.” –- Christen Rapske

 

People talk all the time about pursuing people or things for the wrong reasons, but maybe we pursue God for the wrong reasons. Maybe subconsciously I’ve been treating God like he’s a vending machine. And my pursuit of him has really been a pursuit of someone else.
When did Christ cease to be enough?

And when did I stop finding my identity, self-worth, and fulfillment in Him, only to place my life on hold for someone I’ve never even met?

Each day is a gift, and I’m not waiting for it to get here. It is present in every moment, and it begins anew daily.  Man-less or not, I want to wake up every morning and be excited because I get to spend my day with the God who created the universe.

And I want to do that for the rest of my life."

There Must Be Something Wrong With Me

I do not understand what is happening to me. There must be something wrong with me. There has to be! 

All of these thoughts just rushing through my mind. All of the lust...the sexual desires...the idolizing. There must be something wrong with me. There has to be!

I live in a homeless shelter with lots of other people who are crazy just like me. There are days where I find myself hungry..hungry and thirsty for love and compassion. So I look for it in other things. Money, sex, school, friends, the internet, Facebook, Twitter, whatever. There must be something wrong with me. There has to be! 

Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I don't belong here. Maybe I should just back away from what I know is true and right. What is humble and righteous. Ugh! What am I talking about?! There must be something wrong with me! There has to be!

There must be something wrong with me. There has to be! 

There is definitely something wrong with me. I'm not okay. 

NOT AT ALL

The Secrets of Shadows

We all have shadows. They seem to follow us everywhere, even when we don't want them to. They linger in the dimly lit hallways, on the sidewalk on a rainy day, in water puddles, the mirror...and even farther down then what we can see with our naked eye....deep within our souls. Our shadows, define how we feel. How we act towards people, situations, and emotions. They leave a trace of questioning, as if they are afraid that they will get lost when they come back to us.

"I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me, And what can be the use of him is more than I can see."  -Robert Louis Stevenson

Throughout the past couple months, I have observed many shadows in the people that I have come in contact with. Of course, I have my own shadow, but I haven't paid much attention to it...I prefer not to. The shadows that I see within people, saddened me. I see the shadow of a homeless man or woman, who tells them that they will amount to nothing...that its over. They will never get out of rock bottom. I see the shadow of a woman who can't trust people because of an abusive boyfriend...but she still loves him. I see the shadow of a little girl, with blonde hair and blue eyes, who just wants to be a princess, but she can't because other shadows tell her she's ugly. She is beautiful. The other day, I saw the shadow of an Army Wife....her better half's shadow is fighting in another country, putting his life up in the shadow of death everyday....His shadow just wants to come home to his wife. I hear of stories of young girls' shadows forcing them to starve themselves to look like another crippled shadow of a pretty, but lonely, girl.

These are the shadows that nobody seems to know about. They stay hidden in the darkness of our souls, but haunt and follow us no matter where we end up going. We can run and go as far as we want to. We can fly to another country, move into another house, abandon family for isolation....but they are still with us. The shadows are still there. Haunting. Torturing. Abusing. Tearing us apart and ripping us from the inside-out, like a piece of paper going through a shredder. These are the shadows that we do not want to see. These are the shadows that, sadly, we allow to control and take over our innocent, yet harmful thoughts, and actions.

I have my shadows, but I see others more than what I see within myself. I find it disheartening to my soul...even my shadow cries and pray for these other shadows. For the ones that I don't even know who they belong to.

I have my shadows....what's yours?

No Less Than His Love

  There is something about sitting in coffee shops that just get to me! They get the best of me- and not in a bad way either. There is something about being in the environment of a place that smells like freshly brewed espresso and coffee, dimly lit lights, worship music playing throughout the whole place (yes people, I said worship music...IN A COFFEE SHOP!), hearing people talk and share about Christ and what He is doing in their lives. The sound of a hockey puck, being hit on every corner of the table as kids concentrate on where their next hit will take place. Talking to people who you never get a chance to actually talk to outside of Facebook, Twitter, and Kik. There is just something about it....

  As I am sitting here, God is making me realize a little bit about His love for me. As I sit here, in thought, there is a positive, overwhelming amount of peace deep within my heart. It is wonderful because this peace, is making me want nothing more but Jesus.

   Which makes me think of another thought...


 I WANT NOTHING MORE BUT JESUS! Only Jesus.

  Over this past year, so many of my friends have either gotten married or engaged, and as a matter of fact, I found out that one of my good friends got engaged, and well...here I am. Single. That one word that most women can't stand to say in a group of people and they get asked "Hello 'so and so'! Are you dating anyone?!" They respond back with their head tilted down "No. I'm SSSS...SSSIII....*whispers* single." Nobody wants to say that ONE word....SINGLE. Seeing all of my friends glow with that "pre-marriage" happiness and "puppy love" makes me want to be in a relationship even more. But here is the question that I keep asking myself "What makes me want to be married?" Is it due to the complete desire to be with that "special someone" based on God's will and His plan for me, if it's His plan, or am I just in love with the idea of the act of getting married? I mean after all, I have been waiting and planning my wedding ever since I was a little girl, so of course I WANT to be married. I want to be able to experience the feeling and the sight of seeing that man on one knee, pulling out a beautiful ring with probably some cheesy-romantic way to ask me for my hand in marriage...to the beautiful sight of seeing him at the end of the aisle, dressed in a tux, with his eyes shining with nerves and excitement to take me as his betrothed....but will that day ever happen?

I am twenty year olds and I hear "oh you got time!" every time I bring up the fact that I 'so desperately' want a handsome Romeo. The more I think about it and the more I think about my love for Christ compared to my love of the "desires" of my heart...by God's grace I am able to say that I am willing to be single the rest of my life because I have realized that there is no man, no human, who can love me with the complete and utmost, abounding, love that Christ has for me. This life is short, but the life in Heaven is for eternity. Nothing lasts forever...except for Christ's love for me and the love that I have for Him. As much as what I want to be in a relationship, engaged, married, or pregnant...I am okay with me being SINGLE.

I am worthy of love and affection. I am worthy because God loves me and sees me as a diamond-one of the most beautiful creations that He has made. I am worthy and I need nothing more but His love.

For I am His..and He is mine.

WHO I AM

   I am sitting in a coffee shop right now and I just realized the most possible truth that I could ever realize in my life! After twenty years of living here on this earth, I have finally realized WHO I AM IN CHRIST. And for those of you who are reading this, especially you women, I hope you have the exact same realization that I had. 

    So...who am I?


I am beautiful....I am smart. I am kind. I am UNIQUE. I am worthy of love and affection. I am never too much, but always enough. I am PRECIOUS. I am a diamond, a rose...one of God's most beautiful creations! I am WORTH more than I could ever imagine!

THIS IS WHO I AM!

    I AM HIS AND

 IN HIS EYES.........

 

I AM WORTH DYING FOR!

Time to Slow Down

I have found myself being extremely tired...worn out. People say it's because I spend so much time worrying and not enough time hanging with my friends...with positive people. But I mean, what is it that I am even tired of? I don't have a job anymore, people are right when they say I don't go anywhere. I have no reason to. When a person doesn't have a job then they have no money so what's the point of going out when you got nothing?! However, I am tired. Worn. 

I feel as if I have constantly been going without stopping. I feel as if I have been running without end and without any breaks to catch my breath. How much longer must this go on?!  How much longer till I'm happy again? Was I ever happy? When will I stop being tired and stop feeling a failure? 

                                                  When?

Until I know, I guess I have no choice but to keep on going. To keep going on this open road called life... Here I go...again.

Changes-Its A Way of Life

 

       We all go through changes. The good, the bad, and the ugly. A few days ago, I read a blog entry that one of my best friends had wrote, and it was all about the changes that she has gone through within the last two years of her life. As I was reading this blog of hers, I began to wonder about the changes that I have had to encounter within just the past year. How many changes have I gone through? The more I thought about it, the more I began to realize how much God really was active and in control of my life. And for some reason, I found it utterly shocking at how much change God has allowed me to go through within the past year and a half.

  It is crazy to me to think that a little over two years ago, I was still living at home with my parents and my brother. I was working at McDonalds and was still in high school. At the time, my attitude was just like a typical eighteen year old-thought I knew everything. A little over two years ago,, I abused my body by cutting and forcing myself to throw up every now and then after I would eat. Now that I think about it, I was lazy and I didn't even want to live life anymore. Thoughts of how I was going to commit suicide flooded my mind every minute of every day. My heart wasn't right with Christ, I hardly knew Him as my loving Father. I just knew Him as a man who was sent here to earth to die on some cross for "the sake of our sins." I knew the easy, "cliché", Bible verses; John 3:16, Ephesians 6:1, Philippians 4:13, and Jeremiah 29:11. I knew the stories of David an Goliath, Jonah and the Whale, Jesus' birth, and the creation story. But I didn't really care about Him. I was lost. I was alive in sin. I was unhappy.

 A year and a half ago, I was going through a lot of transitioning. It seemed as if I moved all the time. It was fun at first. I mean, new adventures, new places, new people, new cultures...it was great...at first. Then I suddenly realized that I couldn't keep moving all the time. I couldn't keep moving throughout my whole life.
   A year and a half ago, I graduated from Buckeye Career Center, and Garaway High School (somehow I managed through all of the transitioning and emotional turmoil.) My anxiety levels were through the roof and I worried about everything! Finances, friendships, my parents and my family, my job, grades and school...my father. Everything was spiraling out of control and because I didn't have Christ in my heart nor in my life, I was a mess! Towards the end of my Senior year of high school, my father asked me to leave the house and to never return. Being the teenager that I was, I did just that. I didn't throw a fit, or a tantrum and it was simply because I thought I had everything together, even though I clearly didn't. I didn't have a job, no money saved up...nothing. All I had was a car that wasn't even paid off a full year yet that had a quarter tank, and some clothes in a suitcase that were not even all the way clean. I didn't even know where I was going to go. I had no friends and nothing to even go to. My own family members didn't help me right away, because of how I treated my family.
  In August of last year, I quit my job at New Philadelphia McDonalds and took on the role of being a nanny for ten kids, to a family who I never met before, in a whole new state...Georgia. That was my first big move. Prior to that move, I didn't even have experience with driving two hours by myself, let alone fifteen! I was there for about three and a half months, and when I found out that there was some legal action that had to be taken care of because of abuse in the home, I resigned my job there and moved back to Ohio to live with my grandparents. I lived with them for about two months, and once again, I found myself moving and transitioning once again. But little did I know, God had BIG plans for me in this next " big move"!  He had me move to New York.

 Eleven months ago, on Christmas day, I packed up my little Chevy Cavalier once again, and moved to a small town in Western New York to go about another journey. I thought that I wouldn't like it. I mean after-all, it wasn't even three months that I was back in Ohio from Georgia...I didn't want to have to go through something like that again. I didn't know anyone there except for my friend Emily, who became my roommate. I didn't have a job lined up. I didn't know the area obviously...I had a lot to be afraid of. I kept telling myself "you're only five and a half hours away from 'home', you can always keep money back if you wanna go home." I went with little excitement. In January, I got a job at a small coffee shop in Batavia called Coffee Culture Café and Eatery, and there, is where God changed my life! He changed my heart! It is there, that God allowed me to meet all of my friends, including my best friend Maria, and my church family! It's crazy! It was wonderful! Now, I can't believe that I even moved back to Ohio.... That I even listened to my mother.

 In June, I called my mother to tell her about one of my underlying secrets. She immediately told me to come home. (you can read more about this underlying secret in my blog "underlying secret #1 and read about the incident with my mom) 

   So...here I am. I am not in Georgia. I am not at my grandparents. I am not in New York with my best friend working at Coffee Culture. So..where I am? I am at rock bottom. I am in Ohio...in a homeless shelter, typng away on a hard cement floor in a dimly lit hallway, where my foot is asleep and numb.

  Over the past four months that I have been back in Ohio, I have continuously asked myself "How did you get here?! How could you allow yourself to get back to where you started almost two years ago?!" I do not know the answer to that. All  know is that God has me here. I have to make the best of it, because after all....
 

THERE IS A REASON FOR EVERYTHING.

Hardest Goodbye...R.I.P KHRISTEN SNYDER

We're born, we live, we die. That is how life goes. It is a never ending cycle. To be honest with you, I am afraid of death. I know I am going to heaven, or at least that is my prayer, but I am more afraid of how it will happen.

Last night, I lost a good friend of mine from high school. Khristen and I were both in Early Childhood Education our Junior year and Teaching Professions our Senior Year. The thought of how her death happened, scares me and to a high degree-shocks me. She was driving...being as cautious as could be...next thing she knew, she was being hit on by someone who went left to center and hit her head on. Wasn't expecting it to happen. She wasn't expecting to die. But she did....

The feelings that I have right now as I write this continues to be sadness and shock. I am saddened as I remember all the good times that her and I had as we taught the sweet, little, 5 year olds to write their name and learn their ABC's. I am remembering her as the girl who shared a rotation with me at all the Elementary schools and would car pool together to get there. Her laugh and awesome smile that would always brighten your day no matter what was going on. No words can describe how I feel right now. None.

Honestly, I can't believe she's gone.

 

 

"Are You in Love?...NO!!! We're JUST Friends!"

"To define true love, would be to ruin it's purity, therefore, it has no definition.

There isn't an example even Shakespeare could describe."



 

 

             "malarie?! are you in love?........NO!!! WE'RE JUST FRIENDS!" i am not sure how many   times i have heard this but seriously...we are JUST friends! wait. you're probably wondering who i am talking about right? well keep reading and you will find out! 

i don't even know how to put these feelings into words. these emotions and the tremendous amount of joy that i have within me! Over the course of a week and a half, God introduced me to a man who is now a really good friend. being around him makes me happy and it is the type of happiness that i never thought i could find within myself or even deserve. when i am around him, i feel security and hope. i smile and laugh more than i have within the past two or three years! he is a man that has accepted me for me and expects nothing to change. compliments me and tells me that i look nice. you're probably thinking-man she has a wonderful boyfriend in her life....well if you are thinking that, you're wrong. he is not my boyfriend. we are not dating. we are simply friends.

JUST FRIENDS! 

we are the type of friends that through prayer and supplication, God is transforming us into something beautiful through the act of friendship. and honestly, being friends with this man, God has been able to change my heart to have understanding, knowledge, and care towards this man that God has placed in my life at this specific time. i have been finding myself in prayer for him and for God to change both of our hearts. we have talked about dating, but so far we are still JUST FRIENDS. and honestly, i am perfectly okay with that! 

        

      i am not sure what more to say, except that i am happy and i am thanking god for this man in my life, in this season that i am, and i wouldn't change it for anything in the world right now. i ask that you, the reader, would pray for the two of us as we seek Christ and His plans for us. whether we stay friends or move on to the next level, i ask that you pray that we will be guided by God and stay focused on Him throughout this friendship journey that we are on.

                                        THANKS FOR READING!!

 

"When God Writes Your Love Story"

  This past year, I have found myself, along with the depths of my heart to simply be in love. I have been longing to find that "special someone" who would wrap his arms around me, lend a shoulder to cry on, to laugh with, and spend time together, and of course, to one day say the heartfelt vows that would have us spend the rest our lives together as husband and wife. I have been telling myself "That certain guy is out there somewhere. Just gotta go fishing for him." Well...as much as I want to "fish" for him, I have realized that I can't. It's all up to God and His timing for when I start my "love life". Believe it or not, that realization came harder than what I wanted it to. I mean after all, here was this BIG REALITY, and yet in the midst of it, all of my friends were getting engaged and married-and to this day, they still are! As a matter of fact, I have a wedding to go to this afternoon!

 Up until a few short weeks ago, I would tell myself "Well maybe if I would lose thirty pounds or so, 'Mr. Right' will come along." -or- "All I have to do is put myself out there and go on these dating websites! Someone will surely become my boyfriend!!" Um...ya. Well those thoughts pretty much failed and.... *clears throat*.... were WRONG! Now as I think back and actually see what I am writing, I laugh. How silly, or in other words, absurd to think such thoughts. But...I'm human. I believe those thoughts come natural, especially for us women! However, another thought came to my mind "Am I letting God write my love story? Am I handing over that pen that I have been holding on to for so long?"

 Back in May, a dear friend of mine from New York, gave me a book titled "When God Writes Your Love Story" by Eric and Leslie Ludy. As much as I loved my friend as a sister in Christ, I took one look at the title and thought "I don't need to read this. I'm not even in a relationship." I took it anyway, and in the trunk of my car it went. It sat there for months on end...until last week. I was rummaging through my car, and I came across the book. I didn't pick it up right away, but instead tossed it to the side. Long story short, I ended up taking the book with me, along with a few other miscellanious  items I grabbed from my "junk trunk"....I started reading. 

 I'm not going to elaborate a whole lot about the book, simply because I encourage each of you who reads my blog, to go and get this book, because it will change your life! I am only on page 171 of 271, and I can honestly say, it has changed the way I look at relationships, dating, sexuality, romance, and more importantly, what it means to follow God rather than following the fake-love standards of this world. At the end of each chapter, Eric and Leslie challenge you in different aspects, and yesterday, as I was reading through the challenges, I came across the very last bullet point...to write a letter to my future husband. Now you're probably thinking "That's crazy! How can you write a letter to someone you don't even know yet?!" and that's okay if you're thinking that, because I did too! However; in this book, the Ludy's talk about how to live your life not only for Christ, but also for your future husband/wife. Live your life as if they are watching you, everywhere you go, and are able to see everything you do and hear everything you say. Ask yourself "If my future husband followed me around throughout my day, every day of my life, would he feel cherished and adored by me as I interact with others and the opposite sex? Would he feel loved by my actions or feel hurt that I am giving away what belongs to only my future husband.? "The secret to amazing romance is to begin practicing purity for your spouse and cherishing that person with your thoughts, actions, and words long before you even meet him or her." That is exactly how I will be living my life from now on. For Christ, and for the future man that He has planned for me. In my letter that I wrote to my "husband", I expressed my love for him and for Christ. Writing this letter, opened my eyes to see the areas in my life that I need to deeply be in prayer about. I am learning that I cannot love someone else, if I do not love myself for who God has made, nor can I love someone else when God is not the center of my life. I'm not saying that I don't place God in my life, but I do have a tendency to only allow Him in certain areas in my life. If He knocks on the doors of my heart, and if it's in a room that I don't want Him to enter, I fight with Him about it....but God always wins. I am not ready to "begin a journey toward marriage with my future husband until I learn to find my confidence, joy, and security first and foremost in Jesus Christ." Only when He is truly in first place am I ready for a God-written love story.  

  I am learning that God cares way too much about me to see me settle for a fake-love formula. He wants me to lean on Him and only Him for guidance and direction. He wants to be intimately involved in every detail and every step of the way of my life. "Only leaning on God alone and allowing Him to guide and direct every part of our existence will set the stage for a beautiful romance."  So if you are going to start living your life for Christ and for your future husband/wife, make sure that you place God in every aspect of your life. Give him the pen and let Him write your love story. 

 I have many more letters to write for my husband, and I can't wait to give them to him and say that this is God's love-story for both of us!

Missing Pieces...Breaking Heart

You know the saying "Your home is where you're heart is"? Well, lately, I have been wondering where my home is. I believe I can honestly say, after being home for two months, that Ohio is not where my heart is. I may have been born and raised here in this state, but I am at a point in my life where I can't call Ohio my home any longer.

 These past few days, I have realized that I have nothing here. Of course I have Christ, and I will always have Him no matter where I go, but what I mean is that I have nothing physically here anymore. I do not have a family who loves me the way that a family should. I do not have friends anymore because we have all gone our separate ways and have lived our own lives. Some of them are married/getting married, pregnant or already have kids of their own. And as far as my family goes, as of right now, there is no chance of reconciliation sadly. As much as what I want to fix things and to move forward with my parents and brother...I can't. "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink." How do I let them go, God?? I want to let them go and to move forward while still having love for them. Love without bitterness. Bless me Lord and give me peace through all of this. 

 Here on this earth, we are only here temporarily. This is our temporary home and Heaven is our home in eternity. That much, I believe, and I can not wait to go to Heaven. But while I am here on this earth, I know that my heart is breaking for not only more of God and more love for Him, but it is also breaking for the missing things that were once there but are no longer.

This is what I mean.... 

  I miss going to a church where I was involved with not just a church, but a church family. I miss my dear friend and "sister", Maria, who I spent most time with. I miss going to Dunkin Donuts with her or sitting in Coffee Culture laughing away at the most dumbest things possible! Talking about Christ with her and watching her grow in Him through those six months. What a journey we were on together as sisters in Christ! I miss my best friend Kelsey who was also at one point, my roommate and the disciple that God had placed in my life. Sharing serious thoughts and praying together in our bedrooms with tears falling from our face...puddles of tears. I miss singing together and trying to harmonize with each other, where in the end we hysterically failed miserably! I miss "Mama" and her southern accent. Hearing her say "Girlll!!! What are ya doing?! -or- "How are ya'll?!" (referring to us CC girls) Having her around to listen by giving an ear, smiling with me, trying so hard to understand what I was feeling. She treated me, and all of us, as her own kids. My heart misses the community of people. Oh Lord! My heart is breaking! Not only do I have pieces missing in my heart for you, but also for those who you have placed in my life. I want to go back Father. I need to see them...I need to see you through all of this. Jesus, grant me the favor of your face so I can somehow, find it within myself to mend this brokenness. But I know in reality, I can not mend anything that is broken, only by your glory, can things be fixed. Heal this brokenness Father. Heal me!! If it is in your will, please allow me to reconnect with them. Keep them safe, Lord. Another thing that I miss is the fact that I had accountability there. There were people in my life who held me accountable for everything that I did and said. I had mentors there. I miss them so much. At the time, when they would call me out on things that I did or said that were " not okay", I got mad at them, but now...I miss it. In a way, I realize that all of that "accountability" kept my eyes and my heart focused on Christ. They influenced my faith to grow in abundance, even when I, or them, couldn't see that growth, it happened. Here, in Ohio, I do not have that. I don't even a mentor or a person who is there for me to ask "Have I grown spiritually?". If I don't have someone (I have Christ) who I can physically ask, "Have I grown ____( fill in blank, etc; spiritually, fruitfully, in kindness, gentleness etc) then how in the world will I know if I am growing in Christ. I can't just think that I am growing, because those are the times that I'm not. It doesn't go the way of "I think, therefore I am." No...I need people in my life who can hold me accountable to the word of God. That's why God places people in our lives-to hold each other accountable. *Sigh* I don't know anymore.

I just want to go home...back to my temporary home of small town Batavia, New York. 

RADICAL

 I don't particularly enjoy being in uncomfortable positions, as I am sure, no other average human does either. This week I finally was able to get my hands on a devotional book that I have been wanting to read for the past six months that's called Radical by David Platt. 

 In Radical, David describes how to really go about being "radical" for Christ and how to live a "radical" life in Christ's name. It's all about "taking back your faith from the American dream." In this book, the cost of discipleship and the cost of nondiscipleship is expressed immensely. 

  
  How many of you find it hard to be obedient to Christ, -or- to even know when God is really talking to you and your not just being deceived by your own wants and thoughts? *raises hand* I know I struggle with that, actually both of them. As much as I don't want to admit that I struggle with obeying Christ, or knowing when He is talking to me, I know its a weakness that I have in my walk and relationship with Jesus. So...

  What does it mean to be radical? 

  Jesus was a radical and, hence, countercultural and, as Christians, we are to be radical and countercultural as well!  We are never to be satisfied with a status-quo that allows assorted social ills such as poverty, corruption in institutions, discrimination of any kind, or the creation of out-groups that are then demonized and discriminated against “in the name of God,” to go unchallenged. 

 As Christians, we are called upon to “…destroy arguments and every proud obstacle raised up against the knowledge of God, and we take every thought captive to obey Christ.” (2Corinthians 10:4-5)  These “proud obstacles” come from a variety of sources, some of which come from much of the organized Church itself, and much of these posts will reflect concerns and critiques of such obstacles that are felt to thwart God’s will for our lives and for His Church. To be “radical” denotes going to the “root” or origin. It doesn't mean to be crazy and wild and unstructural.

BEING RADICAL

 Could it be that you wear a T-shirt that says “Jesus is my homeboy”? or maybe it’s because you go to all the christian concerts that come to town. You know what it is and what that looks like! Along with all of your “Jesus Rocks” T-shirts and your vast ticket stub collection that proves you were at all them concerts at the Alive Fest or Kingdom Bound.Is this what it really means to be radical for the Lord? To have all the  memorabilia and outward appearances of being a Christian? But what if your actions don’t coincide with what you're portraying through your wardrobe? I mean, what if you're wearing your favorite “Jesus Rocks” T-shirt, yet you're going around talking and acting like the rest of the unbelieving world? What if one week you're lifting up holy hands with all of your church buddies at a HillSong or David Crowder Band concert and then next week, you are with all of your worldly friends banging your head at a KISS concert? What if people can see your “Jesus Saves” bumper sticker on your car, but do they see the “Save two dollars on your first shot at City Slickers Bar and Grill” coupon that is in your pocketbook?...
  In other words we can all portray something were really not. I can wear a police costume, does that make me a cop? Of course not!It’s not what we wear on our bodies or what we put on our cars or what we have in our homes that make us radical for Christ, it’s our obedience to Him and how we live our lives for Him that makes us RADICAL for Christ.

LIVE IT OUT.

LOVE THE LORD.

BE RADICAL.

 

 

Journal Entry 2013-07-24

   How can I escape these feelings and emotions that I have inside of me? All of these things are piling up and I have no idea how I can keep constraining them buried inside of my heavy heart. With all of these emotions I feel in a way that I am drowning. I'm constantly drowning in emotions, feelings, unanswered questions, pain...my life. "How God, can you continue to allow me to live in such a way that causes brokenness and heart-ache to my soul? I mean, is that considered selfish of me to ask such a thing? If so, please forgive me, but I can not help but to ask."

  What am I angry at? Oh that's right, I remember now....everything! I am mad at everything! I am angry at the fact that there are little kids starving in this world, but yet we spend over $100 on filet min yon like money grows on trees! I am angry that people only think of themselves and instead of praying and thanking God that they even exist! I am mad at the fact that the government says that they have passed a law to prevent abortion but yet, abortion still exists! Women can still have an abortion after so many days of being pregnant...whatever happened to saving lives?! Oh ya-we don't believe in that! Damn! I am mad at a lot of other things too, but the list goes on forever, there is no stopping point. I just want to understand these things...why can't I understand anything! Am I stupid or something?! Apparently!

Welcome to my story.

Down Too Deep

  There is too much noise around me. I hear people laughing and music blarring with the bass above its maximum level. I just want to go away. I want to travel deep down and never return back. I close my eyes and hold my breath as I slowly inch my way under the water. I hear nothing. Absolutely nothing. My eyes burn as I suddenly open them to see the bright and glowing light that crystalizes the chlorinized depths. My chest is hurting from holding my breath, but I do not want to come to the surface. I can't. It's too loud and its in a place that I don't want to be. My mind is racing as I just look into the bright, imaculating, pool light....I know I have to go up and get another dosage of oxygen.

      I kick my legs and move my arms. I can still see the light even though I haven't surfaced yet. What's happening? Where is the surface? The noise? The music? I can feel the tightness in my chest closing in and that is the sign that I have gone down too deep.                                                                     

Deceived.

"I'm coming home! *sigh of relief* I can't believe it...I am finally coming home!"

  Imagine yourself as a little kid and your parents tell you that you are going to be leaving for Disneyland. Imagine all of that excitement that begins to build up on you as you picture yourself spinning on those tea-cups that go around and around, or standing beside Cinderella and Mickey Mouse in front of Kingdom Castle....

Got the picture????



 Well that is exactly how I felt that moment when someone I loved and had wanted back in my life, and have been praying to have back in my life, told me that I could finally come home. I was relieved and I  remember crying a thousand times, over and over with the never-ending flood of tears because I was finally going to be able to go home. To go back to the place that I grew up calling "home." Turns out, I was deceived.

  After fifteen years of hiding a secret from my family and from a lot of people, I finally say something to my mom. This whole time of not telling her, I wanted to tell her but I couldn't because I knew she nor my father would believe me due to my past history of lying. So..I kept quiet. But there was a time about a month and a half ago where I couldn't keep quiet any longer. I had to open that door of my heart and just spill it. All of it and hold nothing back. What in the world was I thinking?! That all of a sudden things would be okay and that I would be safe?! That I would finally have my mother, maybe even my own father and brother back in my life again because the puzzle pieces would finally fit of why I did everything in my past to deceive them?! I am assuming that that is exactly what my mind was telling me. Guess I didn't listen loud enough to my heart; or maybe I couldn't hear it because it wasn't beating loud or fast enough....

Damn it.

  Back-tracking now; so after I finally told my mother, the one who kept repeating over and over "let me be your mom" which very quickly, turned into the sound of a broken record, told me to come home and move back home with her and my dad, I immediately jumped on it. I packed all of my things in New York into my little white, 2001 chevy cavalier, said my good-byes to what I consider, my real family, and I left and made the 6 hour journey back into Ohio, which is supposedly the heart of the United States. I agreed with that because I was born and raised here and people say "home is where the heart is." (How ironic) Well the happy heart and somewhat mended heart that I was working on repairing with God by my side on the way home, rapidly became broken and dis-oriented....whatever.

 So when I finally got back, mom made excuse after excuse to not let me move in. "You need to give your dad a few days (he was in Canada at the time she told me to come back...he had no idea I was coming home) to let things 'soak in' and to put things together with what happend." -or- "Let me talk with your dad..don't come over to the house." This went on for about a week and a half. I even spent a whole week with a church family to give my mom and dad time, moreso my dad to understand what happened in my life. I gave him that respect. Well to make a long story short, the day that I was supposed to move in after a whole week of being told that I actually could and was just waiting for Dad to "calm down", my dad calls me and says "Malarie. You cannot live here. Just leave us alone." I told him that I hated him (which I don't hate him, but I hate the choices that he is making) So with all of that, here I am....Broken. Homeless. Alone. and in a state that I no longer want to be in. I miss New York. I want to go back. Maybe if I click my shoes three times I will somehow magically appear back in little Batavia, NY with my Coffee Culture friends and my church family. I don't think it's working. All of this wouldn't have happened if I wouldn't have opened my mouth to share my secret because my secrets led to me being....

DECEIVED.

Gratitude Journal

  

my gratitude journal

A few days ago, I was given, what is called a "Gratitude Journal" by a friend of mine. My friend is really good at giving "challenges" and when she handed me this gratitude journal, I knew it was a challenge. She told me that I had to write something that I am thankful for....every day. (-_-   Seriously..c'mon!) My mindset at the time was "Are you kidding me? What in the world do I have to be thankful for?!" Obviously that was the fleshly, selfish, and human side of me talking, because that side of me didn't want to take the challenge. However; the spiritual side of me was basically saying "Gimmie gimmie gimmie! A challenge!" I used to be a regular journalist in the past. I would write every chance that I had and well, that's one reason why I started this blog...but we all know how that's going! HA! Anyway...it has been almost a week since I have received and accepted this challenge and I must say that God has opened my eyes a lot to pin-pointing the things that my heart really are grateful for. It's unbelievable! 

The one thing that I am noticing is that I am starting to see a pattern in the things that I am thankful for and its PEOPLE. I can't even begin to tell you how many times a day I wrote in that journal about people that I have been encounter with that specific day. 

Here is a journal entry that I wrote about children on July 8, 2013......

Heavenly Father,

I thank you for the children that were at Bible School tonight. Just being able to constantly be around them and to teach them about your love is so captivating to my soul and heart. I receive joy in my heart when I see them smile, and my ears dance when I hear them laugh and sing praises to your name. They are beautiful, and oh, how you love the little children! Tonight reminded me of how it is okay to step out of my comfort zone and to be like a kid while worshiping you, because that is exactly who I am in you-a child of the one true King. I am your Beloved daughter and a child at heart. Thank you for making those children precious and beautiful within your image. Protect them Lord and guide them to become soldiers of you. In your name I pray...
 AMEN.

 I could go on and on about the things that I am thankful for that God has placed in my life, but I won't because I am learning that I do not need to share every single detail that is between me and God. So I give gratitude to you for reading this blog entry! Take care and God Bless!

Tis the Season...In Amish Country

 If you are friends with me on Facebook, then you have probably seen my exciting post about starting a new job right here in Amish Country! Starting July 1st, 2013, I will be working at Schrock's Amish Farm in Berlin, in a Christmas store called, Tis the Season. I am so excited to start this new chapter in my life and walk with Christ!
 
  I mean, think about it! What an amazing opportunity it will be to work and serve the Amish/Mennonite community to show them Jesus' love for them! What's funny is, just a few days ago, I was starting to regret moving back to Ohio from New York. After all, I already miss my friends from NY, my church family at Northgate Free Methodist, the discipleship, community, and just the environment of Batavia itself; but for some reason, I knew that God placed me back here in small Amish country for a reason. Maybe it is to slowly start mending a relationship with my family, or to get myself back on my feet, or maybe its for someone else. God will and is going to use me wherever I'm at. He finds me where I'm at in life, and well here I am! Back in little ol Baltic, Ohio!

  I ask for prayer as I began another chapter with Christ, my King. I ask that you keep me in your prayers for wisdom and guidance as He starts working through my family. Allow His words be my words and please pray that I will be a light for His kingdom and not for my own fleshly selfishness. I thank you all for reading and I can't wait to see what God has in store! Take care and God Bless!