Imagine yourself as a little kid and your parents tell you that you are going to be leaving for Disneyland. Imagine all of that excitement that begins to build up on you as you picture yourself spinning on those tea-cups that go around and around, or standing beside Cinderella and Mickey Mouse in front of Kingdom Castle....
Got the picture????
Well that is exactly how I felt that moment when someone I loved and had wanted back in my life, and have been praying to have back in my life, told me that I could finally come home. I was relieved and I remember crying a thousand times, over and over with the never-ending flood of tears because I was finally going to be able to go home. To go back to the place that I grew up calling "home." Turns out, I was deceived. After fifteen years of hiding a secret from my family and from a lot of people, I finally say something to my mom. This whole time of not telling her, I wanted to tell her but I couldn't because I knew she nor my father would believe me due to my past history of lying. So..I kept quiet. But there was a time about a month and a half ago where I couldn't keep quiet any longer. I had to open that door of my heart and just spill it. All of it and hold nothing back. What in the world was I thinking?! That all of a sudden things would be okay and that I would be safe?! That I would finally have my mother, maybe even my own father and brother back in my life again because the puzzle pieces would finally fit of why I did everything in my past to deceive them?! I am assuming that that is exactly what my mind was telling me. Guess I didn't listen loud enough to my heart; or maybe I couldn't hear it because it wasn't beating loud or fast enough....
Damn it.
Back-tracking now; so after I finally told my mother, the one who kept repeating over and over "let me be your mom" which very quickly, turned into the sound of a broken record, told me to come home and move back home with her and my dad, I immediately jumped on it. I packed all of my things in New York into my little white, 2001 chevy cavalier, said my good-byes to what I consider, my real family, and I left and made the 6 hour journey back into Ohio, which is supposedly the heart of the United States. I agreed with that because I was born and raised here and people say "home is where the heart is." (How ironic) Well the happy heart and somewhat mended heart that I was working on repairing with God by my side on the way home, rapidly became broken and dis-oriented....whatever.
So when I finally got back, mom made excuse after excuse to not let me move in. "You need to give your dad a few days (he was in Canada at the time she told me to come back...he had no idea I was coming home) to let things 'soak in' and to put things together with what happend." -or- "Let me talk with your dad..don't come over to the house." This went on for about a week and a half. I even spent a whole week with a church family to give my mom and dad time, moreso my dad to understand what happened in my life. I gave him that respect. Well to make a long story short, the day that I was supposed to move in after a whole week of being told that I actually could and was just waiting for Dad to "calm down", my dad calls me and says "Malarie. You cannot live here. Just leave us alone." I told him that I hated him (which I don't hate him, but I hate the choices that he is making) So with all of that, here I am....Broken. Homeless. Alone. and in a state that I no longer want to be in. I miss New York. I want to go back. Maybe if I click my shoes three times I will somehow magically appear back in little Batavia, NY with my Coffee Culture friends and my church family. I don't think it's working. All of this wouldn't have happened if I wouldn't have opened my mouth to share my secret because my secrets led to me being....
DECEIVED.
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