You know the saying "Your home is where you're heart is"? Well, lately, I have been wondering where my home is. I believe I can honestly say, after being home for two months, that Ohio is not where my heart is. I may have been born and raised here in this state, but I am at a point in my life where I can't call Ohio my home any longer.
These past few days, I have realized that I have nothing here. Of course I have Christ, and I will always have Him no matter where I go, but what I mean is that I have nothing physically here anymore. I do not have a family who loves me the way that a family should. I do not have friends anymore because we have all gone our separate ways and have lived our own lives. Some of them are married/getting married, pregnant or already have kids of their own. And as far as my family goes, as of right now, there is no chance of reconciliation sadly. As much as what I want to fix things and to move forward with my parents and brother...I can't. "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink." How do I let them go, God?? I want to let them go and to move forward while still having love for them. Love without bitterness. Bless me Lord and give me peace through all of this.
Here on this earth, we are only here temporarily. This is our temporary home and Heaven is our home in eternity. That much, I believe, and I can not wait to go to Heaven. But while I am here on this earth, I know that my heart is breaking for not only more of God and more love for Him, but it is also breaking for the missing things that were once there but are no longer.
This is what I mean....
I miss going to a church where I was involved with not just a church, but a church family. I miss my dear friend and "sister", Maria, who I spent most time with. I miss going to Dunkin Donuts with her or sitting in Coffee Culture laughing away at the most dumbest things possible! Talking about Christ with her and watching her grow in Him through those six months. What a journey we were on together as sisters in Christ! I miss my best friend Kelsey who was also at one point, my roommate and the disciple that God had placed in my life. Sharing serious thoughts and praying together in our bedrooms with tears falling from our face...puddles of tears. I miss singing together and trying to harmonize with each other, where in the end we hysterically failed miserably! I miss "Mama" and her southern accent. Hearing her say "Girlll!!! What are ya doing?! -or- "How are ya'll?!" (referring to us CC girls) Having her around to listen by giving an ear, smiling with me, trying so hard to understand what I was feeling. She treated me, and all of us, as her own kids. My heart misses the community of people. Oh Lord! My heart is breaking! Not only do I have pieces missing in my heart for you, but also for those who you have placed in my life. I want to go back Father. I need to see them...I need to see you through all of this. Jesus, grant me the favor of your face so I can somehow, find it within myself to mend this brokenness. But I know in reality, I can not mend anything that is broken, only by your glory, can things be fixed. Heal this brokenness Father. Heal me!! If it is in your will, please allow me to reconnect with them. Keep them safe, Lord. Another thing that I miss is the fact that I had accountability there. There were people in my life who held me accountable for everything that I did and said. I had mentors there. I miss them so much. At the time, when they would call me out on things that I did or said that were " not okay", I got mad at them, but now...I miss it. In a way, I realize that all of that "accountability" kept my eyes and my heart focused on Christ. They influenced my faith to grow in abundance, even when I, or them, couldn't see that growth, it happened. Here, in Ohio, I do not have that. I don't even a mentor or a person who is there for me to ask "Have I grown spiritually?". If I don't have someone (I have Christ) who I can physically ask, "Have I grown ____( fill in blank, etc; spiritually, fruitfully, in kindness, gentleness etc) then how in the world will I know if I am growing in Christ. I can't just think that I am growing, because those are the times that I'm not. It doesn't go the way of "I think, therefore I am." No...I need people in my life who can hold me accountable to the word of God. That's why God places people in our lives-to hold each other accountable. *Sigh* I don't know anymore.
I just want to go home...back to my temporary home of small town Batavia, New York.
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