I Deserve Nothing

"I’m 20 years old, I am a nursing major at a university, and I am single.
Many of my friends are married, and a few are starting to have children. And I feel as if I just graduated from high school again. You could say my life is in transition. And it’s true; I am in the middle of shifting myself from the frilly high school drama, to the adult non-drama world of college, but I’ve started to wonder about whether it’s right to refer to my singleness as an in-between stage. What exactly am I in-between again?

“It’s the first day of the rest of my life.” I recently heard someone on TV say this about her wedding day, and it really bothered me. While I don’t want to discount the gift of marriage, I must say I’m a bit confused and frustrated with this sentiment. I’ve heard the cliché before, but I suddenly felt the weight of it. As if it equates marriage as the start of life, or at least the good part.

Don’t misunderstand my frustration; I think there is a beautiful element of starting a new family with your spouse. I’m all for godly marriage. But what I’m afraid of is viewing life through the lens of marriage as the goal. For waiting to get married before life starts. I’m afraid, because I’m afraid it has happened to me. I’ve been living like I’m waiting for someone to get here. And it isn’t Jesus.

I’ve wasted my time, my energy, and my emotions on this concept that singleness is just a waiting room for a relationship. I’m tired of this view that my life begins when I wake up next to my husband, because I’m pretty sure my life began 20 years ago when my mom gave birth to me. And this mentality has robbed my joy.

As much as I’d like to place all the blame on Christian culture, the perpetual “Have you met anyone yet?” question the world asks me, and the reality that my Facebook feed looks more like a Pinterest wedding board these days, I am convicted of my own failures.

I’ve been living like God owes me something. Like he hasn’t held up his end of the deal. He has given me the desire for relationship and marriage, and he just hasn’t followed through.
I’ve been living under the impression that I deserve a relationship.

I’d be lying if I said Christian culture does much to inhibit this mentality. There seems to be a deep understanding and appreciation for the gift of marriage, but not so much for the gift of singleness (if it’s treated like a gift at all). Rather, singleness is something to be cured. Like I’ve got a disease, and introducing me to your single friend might perhaps cure us both. Singleness is the lump of coal, the gift that is never on your Christmas list.

There are at least a handful of us standing around, wondering what happened. (After all, I have been pretty nice this year.)

But it’s never been about being entitled, or even about being nice. I have to stop thinking that I’m doing something wrong here.
Well actually I am, but it isn’t about fixing something that will magically make a boyfriend appear. It is about changing the direction of my heart.

 “I’d rather have the right God than the wrong man.” –- Christen Rapske

 

People talk all the time about pursuing people or things for the wrong reasons, but maybe we pursue God for the wrong reasons. Maybe subconsciously I’ve been treating God like he’s a vending machine. And my pursuit of him has really been a pursuit of someone else.
When did Christ cease to be enough?

And when did I stop finding my identity, self-worth, and fulfillment in Him, only to place my life on hold for someone I’ve never even met?

Each day is a gift, and I’m not waiting for it to get here. It is present in every moment, and it begins anew daily.  Man-less or not, I want to wake up every morning and be excited because I get to spend my day with the God who created the universe.

And I want to do that for the rest of my life."

There Must Be Something Wrong With Me

I do not understand what is happening to me. There must be something wrong with me. There has to be! 

All of these thoughts just rushing through my mind. All of the lust...the sexual desires...the idolizing. There must be something wrong with me. There has to be!

I live in a homeless shelter with lots of other people who are crazy just like me. There are days where I find myself hungry..hungry and thirsty for love and compassion. So I look for it in other things. Money, sex, school, friends, the internet, Facebook, Twitter, whatever. There must be something wrong with me. There has to be! 

Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I don't belong here. Maybe I should just back away from what I know is true and right. What is humble and righteous. Ugh! What am I talking about?! There must be something wrong with me! There has to be!

There must be something wrong with me. There has to be! 

There is definitely something wrong with me. I'm not okay. 

NOT AT ALL

The Secrets of Shadows

We all have shadows. They seem to follow us everywhere, even when we don't want them to. They linger in the dimly lit hallways, on the sidewalk on a rainy day, in water puddles, the mirror...and even farther down then what we can see with our naked eye....deep within our souls. Our shadows, define how we feel. How we act towards people, situations, and emotions. They leave a trace of questioning, as if they are afraid that they will get lost when they come back to us.

"I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me, And what can be the use of him is more than I can see."  -Robert Louis Stevenson

Throughout the past couple months, I have observed many shadows in the people that I have come in contact with. Of course, I have my own shadow, but I haven't paid much attention to it...I prefer not to. The shadows that I see within people, saddened me. I see the shadow of a homeless man or woman, who tells them that they will amount to nothing...that its over. They will never get out of rock bottom. I see the shadow of a woman who can't trust people because of an abusive boyfriend...but she still loves him. I see the shadow of a little girl, with blonde hair and blue eyes, who just wants to be a princess, but she can't because other shadows tell her she's ugly. She is beautiful. The other day, I saw the shadow of an Army Wife....her better half's shadow is fighting in another country, putting his life up in the shadow of death everyday....His shadow just wants to come home to his wife. I hear of stories of young girls' shadows forcing them to starve themselves to look like another crippled shadow of a pretty, but lonely, girl.

These are the shadows that nobody seems to know about. They stay hidden in the darkness of our souls, but haunt and follow us no matter where we end up going. We can run and go as far as we want to. We can fly to another country, move into another house, abandon family for isolation....but they are still with us. The shadows are still there. Haunting. Torturing. Abusing. Tearing us apart and ripping us from the inside-out, like a piece of paper going through a shredder. These are the shadows that we do not want to see. These are the shadows that, sadly, we allow to control and take over our innocent, yet harmful thoughts, and actions.

I have my shadows, but I see others more than what I see within myself. I find it disheartening to my soul...even my shadow cries and pray for these other shadows. For the ones that I don't even know who they belong to.

I have my shadows....what's yours?

No Less Than His Love

  There is something about sitting in coffee shops that just get to me! They get the best of me- and not in a bad way either. There is something about being in the environment of a place that smells like freshly brewed espresso and coffee, dimly lit lights, worship music playing throughout the whole place (yes people, I said worship music...IN A COFFEE SHOP!), hearing people talk and share about Christ and what He is doing in their lives. The sound of a hockey puck, being hit on every corner of the table as kids concentrate on where their next hit will take place. Talking to people who you never get a chance to actually talk to outside of Facebook, Twitter, and Kik. There is just something about it....

  As I am sitting here, God is making me realize a little bit about His love for me. As I sit here, in thought, there is a positive, overwhelming amount of peace deep within my heart. It is wonderful because this peace, is making me want nothing more but Jesus.

   Which makes me think of another thought...


 I WANT NOTHING MORE BUT JESUS! Only Jesus.

  Over this past year, so many of my friends have either gotten married or engaged, and as a matter of fact, I found out that one of my good friends got engaged, and well...here I am. Single. That one word that most women can't stand to say in a group of people and they get asked "Hello 'so and so'! Are you dating anyone?!" They respond back with their head tilted down "No. I'm SSSS...SSSIII....*whispers* single." Nobody wants to say that ONE word....SINGLE. Seeing all of my friends glow with that "pre-marriage" happiness and "puppy love" makes me want to be in a relationship even more. But here is the question that I keep asking myself "What makes me want to be married?" Is it due to the complete desire to be with that "special someone" based on God's will and His plan for me, if it's His plan, or am I just in love with the idea of the act of getting married? I mean after all, I have been waiting and planning my wedding ever since I was a little girl, so of course I WANT to be married. I want to be able to experience the feeling and the sight of seeing that man on one knee, pulling out a beautiful ring with probably some cheesy-romantic way to ask me for my hand in marriage...to the beautiful sight of seeing him at the end of the aisle, dressed in a tux, with his eyes shining with nerves and excitement to take me as his betrothed....but will that day ever happen?

I am twenty year olds and I hear "oh you got time!" every time I bring up the fact that I 'so desperately' want a handsome Romeo. The more I think about it and the more I think about my love for Christ compared to my love of the "desires" of my heart...by God's grace I am able to say that I am willing to be single the rest of my life because I have realized that there is no man, no human, who can love me with the complete and utmost, abounding, love that Christ has for me. This life is short, but the life in Heaven is for eternity. Nothing lasts forever...except for Christ's love for me and the love that I have for Him. As much as what I want to be in a relationship, engaged, married, or pregnant...I am okay with me being SINGLE.

I am worthy of love and affection. I am worthy because God loves me and sees me as a diamond-one of the most beautiful creations that He has made. I am worthy and I need nothing more but His love.

For I am His..and He is mine.

WHO I AM

   I am sitting in a coffee shop right now and I just realized the most possible truth that I could ever realize in my life! After twenty years of living here on this earth, I have finally realized WHO I AM IN CHRIST. And for those of you who are reading this, especially you women, I hope you have the exact same realization that I had. 

    So...who am I?


I am beautiful....I am smart. I am kind. I am UNIQUE. I am worthy of love and affection. I am never too much, but always enough. I am PRECIOUS. I am a diamond, a rose...one of God's most beautiful creations! I am WORTH more than I could ever imagine!

THIS IS WHO I AM!

    I AM HIS AND

 IN HIS EYES.........

 

I AM WORTH DYING FOR!

Time to Slow Down

I have found myself being extremely tired...worn out. People say it's because I spend so much time worrying and not enough time hanging with my friends...with positive people. But I mean, what is it that I am even tired of? I don't have a job anymore, people are right when they say I don't go anywhere. I have no reason to. When a person doesn't have a job then they have no money so what's the point of going out when you got nothing?! However, I am tired. Worn. 

I feel as if I have constantly been going without stopping. I feel as if I have been running without end and without any breaks to catch my breath. How much longer must this go on?!  How much longer till I'm happy again? Was I ever happy? When will I stop being tired and stop feeling a failure? 

                                                  When?

Until I know, I guess I have no choice but to keep on going. To keep going on this open road called life... Here I go...again.

Changes-Its A Way of Life

 

       We all go through changes. The good, the bad, and the ugly. A few days ago, I read a blog entry that one of my best friends had wrote, and it was all about the changes that she has gone through within the last two years of her life. As I was reading this blog of hers, I began to wonder about the changes that I have had to encounter within just the past year. How many changes have I gone through? The more I thought about it, the more I began to realize how much God really was active and in control of my life. And for some reason, I found it utterly shocking at how much change God has allowed me to go through within the past year and a half.

  It is crazy to me to think that a little over two years ago, I was still living at home with my parents and my brother. I was working at McDonalds and was still in high school. At the time, my attitude was just like a typical eighteen year old-thought I knew everything. A little over two years ago,, I abused my body by cutting and forcing myself to throw up every now and then after I would eat. Now that I think about it, I was lazy and I didn't even want to live life anymore. Thoughts of how I was going to commit suicide flooded my mind every minute of every day. My heart wasn't right with Christ, I hardly knew Him as my loving Father. I just knew Him as a man who was sent here to earth to die on some cross for "the sake of our sins." I knew the easy, "cliché", Bible verses; John 3:16, Ephesians 6:1, Philippians 4:13, and Jeremiah 29:11. I knew the stories of David an Goliath, Jonah and the Whale, Jesus' birth, and the creation story. But I didn't really care about Him. I was lost. I was alive in sin. I was unhappy.

 A year and a half ago, I was going through a lot of transitioning. It seemed as if I moved all the time. It was fun at first. I mean, new adventures, new places, new people, new cultures...it was great...at first. Then I suddenly realized that I couldn't keep moving all the time. I couldn't keep moving throughout my whole life.
   A year and a half ago, I graduated from Buckeye Career Center, and Garaway High School (somehow I managed through all of the transitioning and emotional turmoil.) My anxiety levels were through the roof and I worried about everything! Finances, friendships, my parents and my family, my job, grades and school...my father. Everything was spiraling out of control and because I didn't have Christ in my heart nor in my life, I was a mess! Towards the end of my Senior year of high school, my father asked me to leave the house and to never return. Being the teenager that I was, I did just that. I didn't throw a fit, or a tantrum and it was simply because I thought I had everything together, even though I clearly didn't. I didn't have a job, no money saved up...nothing. All I had was a car that wasn't even paid off a full year yet that had a quarter tank, and some clothes in a suitcase that were not even all the way clean. I didn't even know where I was going to go. I had no friends and nothing to even go to. My own family members didn't help me right away, because of how I treated my family.
  In August of last year, I quit my job at New Philadelphia McDonalds and took on the role of being a nanny for ten kids, to a family who I never met before, in a whole new state...Georgia. That was my first big move. Prior to that move, I didn't even have experience with driving two hours by myself, let alone fifteen! I was there for about three and a half months, and when I found out that there was some legal action that had to be taken care of because of abuse in the home, I resigned my job there and moved back to Ohio to live with my grandparents. I lived with them for about two months, and once again, I found myself moving and transitioning once again. But little did I know, God had BIG plans for me in this next " big move"!  He had me move to New York.

 Eleven months ago, on Christmas day, I packed up my little Chevy Cavalier once again, and moved to a small town in Western New York to go about another journey. I thought that I wouldn't like it. I mean after-all, it wasn't even three months that I was back in Ohio from Georgia...I didn't want to have to go through something like that again. I didn't know anyone there except for my friend Emily, who became my roommate. I didn't have a job lined up. I didn't know the area obviously...I had a lot to be afraid of. I kept telling myself "you're only five and a half hours away from 'home', you can always keep money back if you wanna go home." I went with little excitement. In January, I got a job at a small coffee shop in Batavia called Coffee Culture Café and Eatery, and there, is where God changed my life! He changed my heart! It is there, that God allowed me to meet all of my friends, including my best friend Maria, and my church family! It's crazy! It was wonderful! Now, I can't believe that I even moved back to Ohio.... That I even listened to my mother.

 In June, I called my mother to tell her about one of my underlying secrets. She immediately told me to come home. (you can read more about this underlying secret in my blog "underlying secret #1 and read about the incident with my mom) 

   So...here I am. I am not in Georgia. I am not at my grandparents. I am not in New York with my best friend working at Coffee Culture. So..where I am? I am at rock bottom. I am in Ohio...in a homeless shelter, typng away on a hard cement floor in a dimly lit hallway, where my foot is asleep and numb.

  Over the past four months that I have been back in Ohio, I have continuously asked myself "How did you get here?! How could you allow yourself to get back to where you started almost two years ago?!" I do not know the answer to that. All  know is that God has me here. I have to make the best of it, because after all....
 

THERE IS A REASON FOR EVERYTHING.