RADICAL

 I don't particularly enjoy being in uncomfortable positions, as I am sure, no other average human does either. This week I finally was able to get my hands on a devotional book that I have been wanting to read for the past six months that's called Radical by David Platt. 

 In Radical, David describes how to really go about being "radical" for Christ and how to live a "radical" life in Christ's name. It's all about "taking back your faith from the American dream." In this book, the cost of discipleship and the cost of nondiscipleship is expressed immensely. 

  
  How many of you find it hard to be obedient to Christ, -or- to even know when God is really talking to you and your not just being deceived by your own wants and thoughts? *raises hand* I know I struggle with that, actually both of them. As much as I don't want to admit that I struggle with obeying Christ, or knowing when He is talking to me, I know its a weakness that I have in my walk and relationship with Jesus. So...

  What does it mean to be radical? 

  Jesus was a radical and, hence, countercultural and, as Christians, we are to be radical and countercultural as well!  We are never to be satisfied with a status-quo that allows assorted social ills such as poverty, corruption in institutions, discrimination of any kind, or the creation of out-groups that are then demonized and discriminated against “in the name of God,” to go unchallenged. 

 As Christians, we are called upon to “…destroy arguments and every proud obstacle raised up against the knowledge of God, and we take every thought captive to obey Christ.” (2Corinthians 10:4-5)  These “proud obstacles” come from a variety of sources, some of which come from much of the organized Church itself, and much of these posts will reflect concerns and critiques of such obstacles that are felt to thwart God’s will for our lives and for His Church. To be “radical” denotes going to the “root” or origin. It doesn't mean to be crazy and wild and unstructural.

BEING RADICAL

 Could it be that you wear a T-shirt that says “Jesus is my homeboy”? or maybe it’s because you go to all the christian concerts that come to town. You know what it is and what that looks like! Along with all of your “Jesus Rocks” T-shirts and your vast ticket stub collection that proves you were at all them concerts at the Alive Fest or Kingdom Bound.Is this what it really means to be radical for the Lord? To have all the  memorabilia and outward appearances of being a Christian? But what if your actions don’t coincide with what you're portraying through your wardrobe? I mean, what if you're wearing your favorite “Jesus Rocks” T-shirt, yet you're going around talking and acting like the rest of the unbelieving world? What if one week you're lifting up holy hands with all of your church buddies at a HillSong or David Crowder Band concert and then next week, you are with all of your worldly friends banging your head at a KISS concert? What if people can see your “Jesus Saves” bumper sticker on your car, but do they see the “Save two dollars on your first shot at City Slickers Bar and Grill” coupon that is in your pocketbook?...
  In other words we can all portray something were really not. I can wear a police costume, does that make me a cop? Of course not!It’s not what we wear on our bodies or what we put on our cars or what we have in our homes that make us radical for Christ, it’s our obedience to Him and how we live our lives for Him that makes us RADICAL for Christ.

LIVE IT OUT.

LOVE THE LORD.

BE RADICAL.

 

 

Journal Entry 2013-07-24

   How can I escape these feelings and emotions that I have inside of me? All of these things are piling up and I have no idea how I can keep constraining them buried inside of my heavy heart. With all of these emotions I feel in a way that I am drowning. I'm constantly drowning in emotions, feelings, unanswered questions, pain...my life. "How God, can you continue to allow me to live in such a way that causes brokenness and heart-ache to my soul? I mean, is that considered selfish of me to ask such a thing? If so, please forgive me, but I can not help but to ask."

  What am I angry at? Oh that's right, I remember now....everything! I am mad at everything! I am angry at the fact that there are little kids starving in this world, but yet we spend over $100 on filet min yon like money grows on trees! I am angry that people only think of themselves and instead of praying and thanking God that they even exist! I am mad at the fact that the government says that they have passed a law to prevent abortion but yet, abortion still exists! Women can still have an abortion after so many days of being pregnant...whatever happened to saving lives?! Oh ya-we don't believe in that! Damn! I am mad at a lot of other things too, but the list goes on forever, there is no stopping point. I just want to understand these things...why can't I understand anything! Am I stupid or something?! Apparently!

Welcome to my story.

Down Too Deep

  There is too much noise around me. I hear people laughing and music blarring with the bass above its maximum level. I just want to go away. I want to travel deep down and never return back. I close my eyes and hold my breath as I slowly inch my way under the water. I hear nothing. Absolutely nothing. My eyes burn as I suddenly open them to see the bright and glowing light that crystalizes the chlorinized depths. My chest is hurting from holding my breath, but I do not want to come to the surface. I can't. It's too loud and its in a place that I don't want to be. My mind is racing as I just look into the bright, imaculating, pool light....I know I have to go up and get another dosage of oxygen.

      I kick my legs and move my arms. I can still see the light even though I haven't surfaced yet. What's happening? Where is the surface? The noise? The music? I can feel the tightness in my chest closing in and that is the sign that I have gone down too deep.                                                                     

Deceived.

"I'm coming home! *sigh of relief* I can't believe it...I am finally coming home!"

  Imagine yourself as a little kid and your parents tell you that you are going to be leaving for Disneyland. Imagine all of that excitement that begins to build up on you as you picture yourself spinning on those tea-cups that go around and around, or standing beside Cinderella and Mickey Mouse in front of Kingdom Castle....

Got the picture????



 Well that is exactly how I felt that moment when someone I loved and had wanted back in my life, and have been praying to have back in my life, told me that I could finally come home. I was relieved and I  remember crying a thousand times, over and over with the never-ending flood of tears because I was finally going to be able to go home. To go back to the place that I grew up calling "home." Turns out, I was deceived.

  After fifteen years of hiding a secret from my family and from a lot of people, I finally say something to my mom. This whole time of not telling her, I wanted to tell her but I couldn't because I knew she nor my father would believe me due to my past history of lying. So..I kept quiet. But there was a time about a month and a half ago where I couldn't keep quiet any longer. I had to open that door of my heart and just spill it. All of it and hold nothing back. What in the world was I thinking?! That all of a sudden things would be okay and that I would be safe?! That I would finally have my mother, maybe even my own father and brother back in my life again because the puzzle pieces would finally fit of why I did everything in my past to deceive them?! I am assuming that that is exactly what my mind was telling me. Guess I didn't listen loud enough to my heart; or maybe I couldn't hear it because it wasn't beating loud or fast enough....

Damn it.

  Back-tracking now; so after I finally told my mother, the one who kept repeating over and over "let me be your mom" which very quickly, turned into the sound of a broken record, told me to come home and move back home with her and my dad, I immediately jumped on it. I packed all of my things in New York into my little white, 2001 chevy cavalier, said my good-byes to what I consider, my real family, and I left and made the 6 hour journey back into Ohio, which is supposedly the heart of the United States. I agreed with that because I was born and raised here and people say "home is where the heart is." (How ironic) Well the happy heart and somewhat mended heart that I was working on repairing with God by my side on the way home, rapidly became broken and dis-oriented....whatever.

 So when I finally got back, mom made excuse after excuse to not let me move in. "You need to give your dad a few days (he was in Canada at the time she told me to come back...he had no idea I was coming home) to let things 'soak in' and to put things together with what happend." -or- "Let me talk with your dad..don't come over to the house." This went on for about a week and a half. I even spent a whole week with a church family to give my mom and dad time, moreso my dad to understand what happened in my life. I gave him that respect. Well to make a long story short, the day that I was supposed to move in after a whole week of being told that I actually could and was just waiting for Dad to "calm down", my dad calls me and says "Malarie. You cannot live here. Just leave us alone." I told him that I hated him (which I don't hate him, but I hate the choices that he is making) So with all of that, here I am....Broken. Homeless. Alone. and in a state that I no longer want to be in. I miss New York. I want to go back. Maybe if I click my shoes three times I will somehow magically appear back in little Batavia, NY with my Coffee Culture friends and my church family. I don't think it's working. All of this wouldn't have happened if I wouldn't have opened my mouth to share my secret because my secrets led to me being....

DECEIVED.

Gratitude Journal

  

my gratitude journal

A few days ago, I was given, what is called a "Gratitude Journal" by a friend of mine. My friend is really good at giving "challenges" and when she handed me this gratitude journal, I knew it was a challenge. She told me that I had to write something that I am thankful for....every day. (-_-   Seriously..c'mon!) My mindset at the time was "Are you kidding me? What in the world do I have to be thankful for?!" Obviously that was the fleshly, selfish, and human side of me talking, because that side of me didn't want to take the challenge. However; the spiritual side of me was basically saying "Gimmie gimmie gimmie! A challenge!" I used to be a regular journalist in the past. I would write every chance that I had and well, that's one reason why I started this blog...but we all know how that's going! HA! Anyway...it has been almost a week since I have received and accepted this challenge and I must say that God has opened my eyes a lot to pin-pointing the things that my heart really are grateful for. It's unbelievable! 

The one thing that I am noticing is that I am starting to see a pattern in the things that I am thankful for and its PEOPLE. I can't even begin to tell you how many times a day I wrote in that journal about people that I have been encounter with that specific day. 

Here is a journal entry that I wrote about children on July 8, 2013......

Heavenly Father,

I thank you for the children that were at Bible School tonight. Just being able to constantly be around them and to teach them about your love is so captivating to my soul and heart. I receive joy in my heart when I see them smile, and my ears dance when I hear them laugh and sing praises to your name. They are beautiful, and oh, how you love the little children! Tonight reminded me of how it is okay to step out of my comfort zone and to be like a kid while worshiping you, because that is exactly who I am in you-a child of the one true King. I am your Beloved daughter and a child at heart. Thank you for making those children precious and beautiful within your image. Protect them Lord and guide them to become soldiers of you. In your name I pray...
 AMEN.

 I could go on and on about the things that I am thankful for that God has placed in my life, but I won't because I am learning that I do not need to share every single detail that is between me and God. So I give gratitude to you for reading this blog entry! Take care and God Bless!