Sharp Edges..Then and Now

 THEN... (From A Journal Entry...Two years ago)

  "I am alone. I am a nobody. I am worthless. I am ugly. I am fat. I am self-conscious. I am hurt. I am abused....I am a cutter. Who am I? Why am I here? Why doesn't anybody love me? Why am I the way I am? Why doesn't my dad love me? Why can't I just die ?????

Here I am, sharp edge in hand, otherwise known as a knife. I am alone in my bedroom...like always. My parents and brother are downstairs trying to forget the ranting and yelling that just took place moments before, between my dad and I. God-I don't understand how you could have placed me in such an unloving family. Why? A tear is falling down my face as I write this entry. I don't want to be here anymore. I am so tired of being told that I am nothing, but am I? People outside of my family tell me I am who God made me, and that I can be anybody that I choose to be...but is that true or are they just lying to me like everyone else in this world? I can't do this anymore. I want people to understand. I want them to understand and hear my voice! I want them to know that I am angry, but also very much sad. At what, you may ask? I am sad at merely myself. I am sad because I do not feel happy. Sometimes I ask myself if I even know what happiness is, what being happy feels like?. I need to cut. I just need to do it. I need to feel real pain on the outside of my body instead of in my heart. I need it, sadly. It is a crutch, that someday I won't need it anymore. I know that day is coming soon, I can feel it. But it can't save me right here and now. It can't pull me back to safety. Walk a mile in my shoes, feel what I feel, hear what I hear, and see what I see on a daily basis and then maybe, just maybe you can judge me. Until then, I think I will just keep to myself. I am safer that way...here I go."

NOW...(TWO YEARS LATER..)

I am not alone. I am a somebody.  I am valuable. I am beautiful. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am confident. I am free. I am safe. I am loved. I am here to live for Christ and not for myself or anyone else. I am not a cutter....

  Two years ago, I began cutting due to unhappiness in my life and the loneliness of not fully knowing my God and King, the author of my life. Am I going to say that the temptation is no longer there, no, because that would be a lie. But can I say that I have learned to go to God than a razor..yes. I have learned that two years ago, I was looking for "me" in a sinful world. A world that loves hate and self-harm. A world that is very malicious and destructive to the people who live in it, and it just waits to suck you in. God has opened my eyes to allow me to see that I am His and He is mine. I am His Beloved. I am not a cutter, but a follower-not of this world, but of Christ. He has shown me that He has a plan for my life and that He is the author of my story. 

Do I regret doing what I did, yes...and no. Yes because I harmed the temple of God. I picture my body as that temple, and I think of those marks, those scrapes that I placed on the walls of that temple, and how it had made the paint chip off from the wall. But God is good, and throughout the healing process, those walls have been re-painted. I say no because going through what I went through, has made me a stronger person. Even though it was a stupid choice, it brought me closer to God through the encouragement and teaching of who God was and is through others. God has made me stronger in Him, and He is going to use that story to inspire others to seek God, and share the story He is writing. 

It has been two years since I have picked up a razor or a sharp "edge" and I consider it a blessing by far! God is good! I am not a cutter, but a daughter of the most high King! Thank you Jesus for bringing healing into my life and most importantly into my heart!!!!