Another Side of Me...Austism

  

   Many people have told me that I have a lack of communication. That I have a hard time understanding people, making eye contact, or that I take everything literal. I do. But what many of you don't know is that there is another side of me that is not noticeable unless looked in a deeper perspective. Its a disorder, a learning disorder more say, and its called Non-verbal Learning Disorder and it is linked to a form of Autism called Asperger Syndrome. NLD is very much similar to Asperger Syndrome, but is hard to see if not looked at hard enough.

   When I was 14, my parents took me to a neurologist ("doctor of the brain") and they ran a series of tests, one of which consisted of an IQ test. I'm not quite sure what gave them the idea to want to take me to the neuro, but I'm assuming my school and grades played a major role in their decision. Throughout a number of sessions and tests, the neurologist came with a diagnosis called NLD. 


  I was held back in Kindergarten because I couldn't tell a circle from a square, or tie my shoes properly. I had a hard time making friends and I wouldn't pay attention to my teacher. As my school years went on and as I got older, I was terrible at mathematics. It was actually my most hated subject and I dreaded going to class with my math book in hand, because it was difficult for me. Even to this day, simple multiplication, or adding and subtracting problems are hard for me to solve, as well as problem solving. I would usually, more days than not, forget about assignments, or I didn't do my math homework because I told myself that I couldn't do it, so I would make up a random excuse on why I didn't have my homework done. I never learned how to do math in "my head" like everyone else. I was given the gigabyte brain of a calculator. That was my answer for everything, and if I came to a problem to where it couldn't be solved on a calculator, I would skip the question completely and move on to the solvable one. I could never grasp that when you add a negative to a negative that it made a positive or vise versa. I always guessed or wrote random numbers down just to say that it was completed. That was how I got by in math, and thankfully, I passed every math class, regardless if I scraped by with a D on my report card.

  Another thing that people tell me that I talk too much and I don't know when to stop. That I go into detail. Details  that shouldn't even be included because I tend to carry away from the main topic of the conversation or the problem. That is another part of my NLD. But I'm not afraid to admit, I love talking. Honestly, and I hate admitting this, but I gotta be honest, I am more of a talker than a listener. (Working on that area in my life) I rely on communication. I believe communication is important in all forms of relationships, and I think any "normal" person would agree with me. But I believe it is strongly important! However, when a problem arises, and I don't want to face people or their reaction, usually from their emotions, I use words on paper. I don't talk. If I have something to talk about or if I know I did wrong, I will hold it in until I can't contain it anymore. I sometimes compare myself to a bottle with a cap on. I hold everything inside until the guilt or the anxiety gets the best of me. So, when a situation like that occurs, I go to writing. I would rather write letters, or text someone about what is going on because I won't have to see their emotions or facial expressions. Writing is my escape. That's why I created this blog-so I can be honest and tell my secrets that I feel can be shared. 
  When I was younger, I used to write short stories. I would re-write stories about anything, including Superman! (Oh yaaaa!!!) I remember writing about a princess who would always go to a blueberry bush and pick berries for the King. Then her Prince Charming would come and save her and they would live happily ever after. Then there was a story that I wrote about my grandma. She was my best friend and loved yellow roses, and when she passed away, I wrote a story about her and all the memories that we had, and it had the title of "Goodbye My Yellow Rose", and I remember drawing a vase with a yellow flower in it. My dad has always like the fact that his daughter was a writer. He would always make comments like "you should really think about becoming an author someday" or "don't forget that when you make the New York bestselling author, to remember your mom and I." That was always good and today, I remember those words and I use them for encouragement that my dad is proud of me.

  People with NLD tend to struggle with anxiety disorders. I, am one of those people. I have a very vivid imagination. If I allow myself to constantly think, that becomes a danger zone for me. I have to consistently stay busy. I can't spend a relaxing day at home, I have to be doing something or going somewhere or have gone somewhere during the day, otherwise, I freak out and have massive panic attacks. My junior and senior year of high school, I had massive attacks. I was constantly having to leave the classroom because of a certain topic that the class was discussing or there was tension in the room (and I can always pin point the tension field) and I would flip! I hyperventilate very easily, so much that it causes my chest and blood pressure to rise. I throw up and I feel like passing out during certain attacks. I sweat and I shake. Its not a fun experience at all. With my anxiety, I am constantly feeling like something bad is going to happen because I allow myself to over-think things. I go into these unrealistic or drastic situations in my mind and I think about them so much, that I start believing that it is actually happening. I also worry a lot too, which is a sin and its not okay. I am consistently thinking of people and if their okay. But this is my life...for now. It can be overcome though. With God, all things are possible.


  So...I know that I wrote a lot. But I felt like you should know this little secret of mine. I have a form of autism and I'm proud of it because that is how God made me. That is how He wired my brain to think. I may not be smart at math, or communicate well with others, make good eye-contact, or laugh at your jokes, but I do know that I am God's daughter and that's all that matters!

Thanks for reading!! Take care and God Bless!!!