My whole life, I have struggled with my weight. I have never been a size zero in pants or a small in shirts. In elementary school and throughout high school, I was the girl that would get made fun of almost everyday, and would find myself hating every square inch of my body. I was "moo-ed" at by the people in my class, and I was always embarrassed to sit in desks. I would walk throughout my school day or when I was in public, "sucking in" my stomach to make me look "thinner". It never worked, but it made me feel better about myself. When I would be home, I would go to the bathroom, look in the mirror, and I would see my twin. Everything I did, she did. If I moved, she moved. She followed me everywhere. I hated her, every measured inch of who she was. I did not want to see her at all. Every time we saw each other in the bathroom at school, in the locker room, in my own bathroom at home, the reflection in the water, or anything that had a shine to it-I could not ignore her, no matter how hard I tried, because she was me. I was that girl. That fat, ugly, disgusting, blob, that took up space in the classroom. Who wore a size 18 in jeans by the time she was 15, who was never going to love herself for that person. I was the person who was not going to settle for being called "Malarie" but fatty instead. Even though I hated her, who she was, and what she looked like, I listened to her. After all, she was the queen and I was her servant.
THIS IS THE STORY OF THE QUEEN AND HER PEASANT
(there is no such thing as a "once upon a time" in this story)
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| (Queen Resembles= my conscious Peasant Resembles=Me) |
* I, as her peasant, was entering the kingdom's school (reality= 7th grade) and I already hated it. I went to the bathroom after lunch, looked in the mirror, and waited for my royal twin to appear. Not only was I waiting for her to appear, but I was waiting for a command. I was crying, mascara running down my face and my masquerade was falling off. Then...the royal queen appeared. "You look pathetic. Look at you! You are nothing! You're fat and ugly!!" Her eyes move up and down as she studies my ragged appearance. " You should be ashamed of yourself!! You didn't have to eat those mashed potatoes for lunch. Now... just think of how much grease and how many calories you put inside this kingdom...my kingdom!!" I cried even harder than the moments before. She hated me and she was going to make my life miserable, and she was going to make me skinny and beautiful...no matter what it took. She looked at me with a stern face and said "I have a command for you. One that I know will help you become beautiful and skinny. You have no option but to do it." The sternness of her voice sounded frightening...deep. "Walk away. Don't listen to her. You are perfect the way you are" something else inside me told me. I pondered for a moment.."Then again, she does know what's best. You don't want this queen of yours to ruin your life, do you? Trust her. She knows what will help you be the person that you want to be." I look up at my queen and say "Alright. What do you want me to do?" She claps her hands together. "Perfect!! Now, we must start this immediately. So as soon as I finish telling you this task, you must do it right away. Understood?" I nod my head yes and she continues "What you must do is walk into that stall, kneel on your knees, take your finger and shove it down your throat." I was a little scared to do this task of hers, but it couldn't hurt to at least try..or could it? "What will happen to me if I do it? What if I don't?" She looks at me with that same stern look from before and she says "If you do it, you will be thin! You will be beautiful and perfect! You will have a date for the homecoming by your freshmen year. People will notice you, they will forget how huge you were. And if you don't, well, you will be like this the rest of your life. You will grow up alone. Your dreams of becoming a wife and a mother will never happen, because after all, nobody wants to marry a cow."
After hearing her words, I knew she was right. I had to do it..it was the only way to happiness...to beauty. After agreeing with her, the queen disappeared as I walked towards the stall that was next to her royal throne (a.k.a-the mirror), and knelt down. The blue and white tiled floor was cold to the touch of my skin. I looked into the white porcelain bowl and I saw my reflection. For a moment, I saw the queen, but that didn't last long. There I was, looking into the water, looking into the round, fat face of mine. I closed my eyes and I raised my right hand to my mouth and stuck my finger in my throat. Nothing happened. Wait-what was supposed to happen? The queen never told me what would actually happen. I tried again and this time, I went a little farther, until it happened. It happened so quickly, I didn't even know what happened. I opened my eyes, and there below me, in the water, that was moments before clean, was the queens plan. It was my lunch. My heart began to race and my mind was spiraling in a whirlwind of thoughts as I flushed my new self-destructing life down the drain. As I got up from the floor, I smiled. My lunch was no longer inside of me. The calories didn't count because there was none in me to be even be counted. I was proud of myself. I looked in the mirror again and the queen appeared. "Very good darling. I am proud of you. However, this task, is not a one- time thing, you must continue doing it every single day after you eat. If you stop doing this, you will gain more weight and then you will be right where are you now. This is the beginning to your new life, my dear. If you listen to me, everything is going to be okay. You will, in time, be beautiful. I know that is what you want and what you desire. I know everything about you. Listen to me, and everything is going to work out. Now, continue on and you will see me again. Sooner than you realize." I walked out of the bathroom and made my way towards my next class. Little did I know, that sooner came a whole lot quicker than what I thought. I saw the queen after every class, in my house, on my dinner plate, and even in the middle of the night when I would wake up to see myself in the porcelain bowl. Day after day, meal after meal, year after year, I saw the queen, that sat on her royal throne (remember, that's the mirror), for the next four years until I graduated.*
Obviously, there is much more to this story, but I am not willing to describe details and go into depth, but I wanted to give you guys a partial of the story of who I was to who I am now. The queen resembled Satan. He was the queen. (i know Satan is a man, but in this story, he was a woman) I listened to Satan and I allowed him to make my choices in that self destructing life. That was before I met Christ. It wasn't until my Senior year, that I realized that God was my King and I was not a queen, but His princess. God opened my eyes to realizing that He made me for me, big or small, tall or short. He has shown me that He loves me no matter what I look like, no matter what I do, He is still going to be there and He will always be my King. Throughout the past year, I have learned to say no to Satan, and resist temptation to do harm to the temple of Christ. Are there days where I think about sticking my finger down my throat and throwing up, yes. But do I let it happen? No, because I know and I believe that God is greater and bigger than the temptations of Satan. After all, God is going to beat Satan's butt, when He comes back!!! I know I am not the smallest person around, I do not have a slim waist or wear a size zero or a small in t-shirts. But I do know that I am beautiful in God's eyes and that is all that matters! I am ROYALTY. He is my KING and I am His Princess!
"Don't you know that your body is a sanctuary of the Holy Spirit who is
in you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, you were bought
at a price." ~ 1 Corinthians 6:19~
*if you or anyone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, or is thinking about giving into the lies of the world and the lies of Satan, please know that God loves you. If you know someone, be there for them. Pray for them. Love them by showing them the love of Christ. They are more beautiful than any lie or any eating disorder will ever make them become!! They are His Beloved and so are you!
THANKS FOR READING!!
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