Spiritual Gifts

 Lately I have been hearing a lot about Spiritual Gifts that God has given to us. We all have gifts, and sometimes they are hidden and not revealed to us until we ask and almost command God to show us those gifts So , because of this repetition, I have decided to once again, write a blog!

  What gifts and abilities do you have that will make you more effective in ministry? Do you know what God has given you? Do you know what you will need to do some of the things you want to do? And do you know how to go about getting these things if you do not have them? This is a subject that many are still confused on. Some think that because certain gifts and abilities have manifested in their life, that this is clearly their calling and what God wants them to do. But actually, your gifts are not your calling. They are simply the tools that the Lord provides to equip you to do the work of the ministry. and if you do not fully understand how these things work in ministry, you could be led astray.

So...what are spiritual gifts???

  Natural talents and personality traits are natural human resources which all of us have. However, these talents and certain traits are not the same as spiritual gifts which are given by sovereign choice, by the Holy Spirit, at the time we become Christians. These are supernatural ennoblement's so that we may serve God more effectively in the world and in the church. Every Christian has at least one spiritual gift, many are given more than one gift. All Christians are called to the work of the ministry and distinctions between "clergy" and "laity" are foreign to the New Testament. Both spiritual gifts and natural talents must be employed in the power of the Holy Spirit and not in the self-energy of the flesh in order to please God and bring positive results.

(LIST OF GIFTS BELOW ARE NOT MY OWN WRITING)

1. Apostle (apostolos). The Greek word means "one sent forth" (on an official errand), i.e., an ambassador. In addition to the twelve original disciples who became apostles, Paul was added to the list of those commissioned by God to lay the foundations of the Christian church and impart a full body of truth which would guide Christian faith and conduct. There were also other apostles, for example, Barnabas, Acts 14:4,14; Andronicus and Junia, Romans 16:7, 2 Corinthians 8:23; Philippians 2:25. The need for apostles diminished as the church became established. If there are any apostles today they might be found among pioneer missionaries who establish churches in foreign lands where the gospel has not yet been proclaimed. Christians today are under apostolic authority, however there is no Biblical reason to believe in the so-called apostolic succession of authority in the church. Ray Stedman likens the apostles in the Body of Christ to the skeleton and musculature of the human body.
2. Prophet, prophecy. (prophetes), lit: "to speak forth," to proclaim the mind and counsel of God, i.e., the gift of preaching. Differs from pastor-teacher in scope. Ray Stedman compares the role of the NT prophet to the nervous system of the body. NT prophets do not make predictions about the future as the OT prophets did, but gather their message from the Scriptures. Nor is God giving the church new revelation through such individuals today. The gift of prophecy is likewise not for giving secret messages from God to individuals in the church. Prophets vigorously stimulate and challenge the Body of Christ, pastor-teachers patiently feed the sheep and care for their needs. Prophets are to edify, exhort and console, (see 1 Cor. 14:3).
3. Evangelist, evangelism. (evangelistes) from eu = well, plus angelos = messenger. The gift of bringing the good news of God to unbelievers individually and in groups. The content of the message is outlined in I Cor. 15. Ray Stedman compares this gift to the digestive apparatus of the human body which has the ability to take material which is not a part of the body and transform it into parts of the body. Evangelists are also to teach other believers how to lead people to the Lord Jesus. Timothy evidently did not have this gift but Paul nevertheless urged him to "do the work of an evangelist".
4. Pastor-teacher (poimenes kai didaskalos), shepherd and teacher. Ray Stedman describes this gift as analogous to the circulatory system of the human body which "cleanses and feeds" the members of the body. Ray Stedman once said he believed this was a this is a common gift, given to perhaps a third of Christians.
5. Administration. (kubernesis = government). To pilot, guide, or steer as one steers a ship. To preside over the assembly and guide the proceedings. In order to preserve order in Christian meetings the person in charge should know how to direct the course of events towards a spiritual goal as led by the Spirit.
6. Leadership, (proistemi) "to stand before" that is attend to with care and diligence, as the head of a family does. Perhaps this also includes setting the pace, imparting direction and goals in a ministry since sheep are lazy and helpless and prone to wander off course. Most people like to follow a good leader. God's leaders are not only visionary they lead by serving.
7. Faith. (pistis), Faith-vision: the ability to believe God for new direction and power---visionary faith that sets in motion events others can join in and follow. All Christians have some faith because "without faith it is impossible to please God." Also anyone's faith grows as it is exercised. However there is also a gift of "faith-vision" which pioneers new ministries, encourages others and helps them to grow in faith. "Without a vision the people perish" (Proverbs 29:18).
8. Knowledge. (logos gnoseos), lit: "word of knowledge," systematic understanding of truth in broad, sweeping terms so that others may be trained and instructed. Not supernatural utterances from God. All Christians have some knowledge, but there is also a gift of knowledge given to some so they may teach and edify the Body. The ability to sum up lots of information or pieces of knowledge so as to give a clear concise overview.
9. Wisdom (logos sophias), lit: "word of wisdom." The ability to make wise choices and decisions at critical forks in the road. Very valuable to an individual or a group when it needs to choose but has no specifically clear information on the best choice. All Christians can grow in wisdom as they make a series of wise choices over a life-time, however there is also a gift of wisdom given to some in the Body of Christ.
10. Exhortation, encouragement. (paraklesis), to call alongside, comfort, strengthen, to counsel, exhort, bring aid, admonish. The same Greek word describes the Holy Spirit's role in our lives.
11. Discernment (of spirits) (diakriseis pneumaton), is a gift to judge or evaluate the spirits so as to distinguish whether something is from God or from an evil source. Similar to the natural talent of intuition but of course more reliable and consistent.
12. Ministering (diakonia), to serve (hence our word deacons). A wide variety of activities one performs with the help of God to comfort, encourage, support and build up God's people. Also, (huperetes), an under-rower or servant as distinguished from an ordinary seaman on a Roman galley.
13. Service (helps) (antilempsis), "to lay hold of (and support)", especially the weak and needy. To minister to others and meet their needs.
14. Giving, (metadidomi), is the gift of sharing and imparting, not only money but other resources. All Christians should learn to give generously since "God loves a 'hilarious' giver", however certain individuals are given the gift of giving so they ca

n act as stewards over material resources in the Body of Christ.
15. Tongues (that is, "kinds of languages") (gene glossan). The ability to speak in other languages not previously learned, but known languages to men. The gift is for the purpose of praising God. It must be directed to God, not to be used to pass a message from one member to another or from one member to the congregation. Not a means of communication from the Lord to the flock. A sign to Israel especially to mark the beginning of a new dispensation. A sign to unbelievers.
16. Interpretation of Tongues. The ability to translate unknown languages so as to edify and instruct others regarding what has been said.
17. Miracles. (energemata dunameon) The ability to raise men from the dead, call fire down from heaven and otherwise present signs that authenticate the power of God in certain situations.
18. Healing(s). (charismata iamaton) (plural). Ability to heal at the physical, emotional and spiritual levels. The word is plural in Greek, probably suggesting that the ability to heal refers to all three levels of man. Today, God sometimes heals physically, but more often emotionally and spiritually. A valuable gift for a counselor.
19. Mercy (eleos) An ability to touch inwardly with compassion. To be exercised with "cheerfulness".
20. Hospitality. (philoxenia), lit: "love of strangers." May not be a spiritual gift but definitely a Christian virtue. Those who believe this is a separate gift also hold that all believers are to practice hospitality.

2 Corinthians 12:5-7 says " "Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; and there are varieties of service, but the same Lord (Jesus Christ); and there are varieties of working, but it is the same God          (the Father) who inspires them all in every one. To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good."

Ephesians 4:11-16 "To one is given through the Spirit the utterance of wisdom, and to another the utterance of knowledge according to the same Spirit, to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by the one Spirit, to another the working of miracles, to another prophecy, to another the ability to distinguish between spirits, to another various kinds of tongues, to another the interpretation of tongues. All these are inspired by one and the same Spirit, who apportions to each one individually as He wills. For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ."

1 Cor. 12:27-30 "Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it. And God has appointed in the church first apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then workers of miracles, then healers, helpers, administrators, speakers in various kinds of tongues. Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles? Do all possess gifts of healing? Do all speak with tongues? Do all interpret?"

Romans 12:4-8 "For as in one body we have many members, and all the members do not have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; if service, in our serving; he who teaches, in his teaching; he who exhorts, in his exhortation; he who contributes, in liberality; he who gives aid, with zeal; he who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness".

1 Peter 4:7-11 "The end of all things is at hand; therefore keep sane and sober for your prayers. Above all hold unfailing your love for one another, since love covers a multitude of sins. Practice hospitality ungrudgingly to one another. As each has received a gift, employ it for one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace: whoever speaks, as one who utters oracles of God; whoever renders service, as one who renders it by the strength which God supplies; in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To him belong glory and dominion for ever and ever. Amen."

Another Side of Me...Austism

  

   Many people have told me that I have a lack of communication. That I have a hard time understanding people, making eye contact, or that I take everything literal. I do. But what many of you don't know is that there is another side of me that is not noticeable unless looked in a deeper perspective. Its a disorder, a learning disorder more say, and its called Non-verbal Learning Disorder and it is linked to a form of Autism called Asperger Syndrome. NLD is very much similar to Asperger Syndrome, but is hard to see if not looked at hard enough.

   When I was 14, my parents took me to a neurologist ("doctor of the brain") and they ran a series of tests, one of which consisted of an IQ test. I'm not quite sure what gave them the idea to want to take me to the neuro, but I'm assuming my school and grades played a major role in their decision. Throughout a number of sessions and tests, the neurologist came with a diagnosis called NLD. 


  I was held back in Kindergarten because I couldn't tell a circle from a square, or tie my shoes properly. I had a hard time making friends and I wouldn't pay attention to my teacher. As my school years went on and as I got older, I was terrible at mathematics. It was actually my most hated subject and I dreaded going to class with my math book in hand, because it was difficult for me. Even to this day, simple multiplication, or adding and subtracting problems are hard for me to solve, as well as problem solving. I would usually, more days than not, forget about assignments, or I didn't do my math homework because I told myself that I couldn't do it, so I would make up a random excuse on why I didn't have my homework done. I never learned how to do math in "my head" like everyone else. I was given the gigabyte brain of a calculator. That was my answer for everything, and if I came to a problem to where it couldn't be solved on a calculator, I would skip the question completely and move on to the solvable one. I could never grasp that when you add a negative to a negative that it made a positive or vise versa. I always guessed or wrote random numbers down just to say that it was completed. That was how I got by in math, and thankfully, I passed every math class, regardless if I scraped by with a D on my report card.

  Another thing that people tell me that I talk too much and I don't know when to stop. That I go into detail. Details  that shouldn't even be included because I tend to carry away from the main topic of the conversation or the problem. That is another part of my NLD. But I'm not afraid to admit, I love talking. Honestly, and I hate admitting this, but I gotta be honest, I am more of a talker than a listener. (Working on that area in my life) I rely on communication. I believe communication is important in all forms of relationships, and I think any "normal" person would agree with me. But I believe it is strongly important! However, when a problem arises, and I don't want to face people or their reaction, usually from their emotions, I use words on paper. I don't talk. If I have something to talk about or if I know I did wrong, I will hold it in until I can't contain it anymore. I sometimes compare myself to a bottle with a cap on. I hold everything inside until the guilt or the anxiety gets the best of me. So, when a situation like that occurs, I go to writing. I would rather write letters, or text someone about what is going on because I won't have to see their emotions or facial expressions. Writing is my escape. That's why I created this blog-so I can be honest and tell my secrets that I feel can be shared. 
  When I was younger, I used to write short stories. I would re-write stories about anything, including Superman! (Oh yaaaa!!!) I remember writing about a princess who would always go to a blueberry bush and pick berries for the King. Then her Prince Charming would come and save her and they would live happily ever after. Then there was a story that I wrote about my grandma. She was my best friend and loved yellow roses, and when she passed away, I wrote a story about her and all the memories that we had, and it had the title of "Goodbye My Yellow Rose", and I remember drawing a vase with a yellow flower in it. My dad has always like the fact that his daughter was a writer. He would always make comments like "you should really think about becoming an author someday" or "don't forget that when you make the New York bestselling author, to remember your mom and I." That was always good and today, I remember those words and I use them for encouragement that my dad is proud of me.

  People with NLD tend to struggle with anxiety disorders. I, am one of those people. I have a very vivid imagination. If I allow myself to constantly think, that becomes a danger zone for me. I have to consistently stay busy. I can't spend a relaxing day at home, I have to be doing something or going somewhere or have gone somewhere during the day, otherwise, I freak out and have massive panic attacks. My junior and senior year of high school, I had massive attacks. I was constantly having to leave the classroom because of a certain topic that the class was discussing or there was tension in the room (and I can always pin point the tension field) and I would flip! I hyperventilate very easily, so much that it causes my chest and blood pressure to rise. I throw up and I feel like passing out during certain attacks. I sweat and I shake. Its not a fun experience at all. With my anxiety, I am constantly feeling like something bad is going to happen because I allow myself to over-think things. I go into these unrealistic or drastic situations in my mind and I think about them so much, that I start believing that it is actually happening. I also worry a lot too, which is a sin and its not okay. I am consistently thinking of people and if their okay. But this is my life...for now. It can be overcome though. With God, all things are possible.


  So...I know that I wrote a lot. But I felt like you should know this little secret of mine. I have a form of autism and I'm proud of it because that is how God made me. That is how He wired my brain to think. I may not be smart at math, or communicate well with others, make good eye-contact, or laugh at your jokes, but I do know that I am God's daughter and that's all that matters!

Thanks for reading!! Take care and God Bless!!!

Northern Ireland Is Calling!

Dear Friends,

   For the past two years now, God has laid on my heart that I am meant to be a disciple. We are all called to be disciples and make "fishers of men", but there is also a certain calling, a more deeper calling, that God bestows on people. Everything you do, everything you say, and everything you think, must and should be focused on God (every day should be lived out like this, regardless of your calling) in order to do the calling of discipleship (and again, any calling He lays on your heart).

  With this calling of discipleship, there is a certain command that God is telling me I must do, regardless if I want to do it or not. Regardless of how scary or unrealistic it may sound, I must be obedient to Christ in order to become a discipler. This command that is required of me is going to Discipleship Training School in Sligo, Northern Ireland, which starts this September. How do I know that this is something that God is calling me to do, you may ask? Well this is how....

 Two years ago, I was over at one of friends house and I was doing some research for a school project, and as I was typing in the search bar, I saw the words YWAM. I asked my friend what YWAM stood for and she said "Youth With A Mission". She began explaining how she thought it would be good for me to at least look into it and consider doing it because at the time (and still to this day) I was praying and looking for a way to strengthen my relationship with Christ and a deeper, more intimate, growth in who I was (who I am) in Him. I looked at the website and immediately fell in love with what I saw and what I was reading! I instantly got excited and for some reason, I couldn't stop smiling and talking about it! I just wanted it to happen!!!! Everyday, after hearing and reading about Sligo, I remained excited! I began praying about it and every single time I would think about (which was constantly) there was instant peace in my heart. I don't know how it is for you, but when God calls me to do something-He doesn't let me stop thinking about whatever it is! Its almost as if I eat, sleep, and breathe whatever that "calling" may be, and that is exactly what happened! Even to this day, the more I think about Ireland and Discipleship Training, and most importantly, learning in depth, and growing in Christ, just makes my heart leap of joy and excitement! I'm not going to say that I never had doubts about going or even making this possible, because, after-all I am human and there was a side of me for awhile that thought "Mal-this will never work out. That's a lot of money to raise. It will never happen so you might as well forget about it." And truthfully, I lived in that lie for a few months, up until recently. Yes, $12,000 is a lot of money to raise in a short amount of time, but hey-God has all the money in the world. $12,000 to Him is like a dollar to us.  My heart is still at peace with this calling, and I am going to strive to make this possible, because nothing is impossible with God. Is it going to be hard work-absolutely, but is it impossible-no.

 So with all of that said, I guess I am writing this blog, to ask for your help. Whether that be through praying for me as I continue on this journey as I follow Christ and His command for me. Pray that I will have patience and that I will, in God's will and His timing, be able to raise the $12,000, in the short amount of time that I have. Also pray for wisdom and trust to be laid on my heart. Or, if you would like to financially support me by making a donation for this trip, you could message me on Facebook or e-mail me at mcr_his_disciple@yahoo.com for more information on how this donation could be possible. I will, hopefully soon, be making prayer cards, as prayer is always appreciated, that I could send to you if you would like, regardless if there is a donation made or not! I know and I believe that this is where God wants me. I am called to be a disciple and to grow in Christ, so He can use me to minister to others and bring others closer to Him and to His Kingdom!

Thank you for reading and God Bless!!!

In Christ,
Malarie Chineal Renfrew

Matthew 4:19
"And He said to them, "Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men."

Life of a Dreamer

I dream...a lot. I am a dreamer. I don't usually dream about places or certain things, but people. I dream of people who mean the most to me in my life- mostly those who God has placed in my life; whether that be of family members, friends, fellow disciples, co-workers, church family, etc. When I dream, they are deep and very vivid. I can frequently remember a specific dream for many many days after having them, or even years. I find it weird to me, but maybe there is a reason why God has me dreaming in such a way and being able to remember them?.

Today, I was exhausted from this past week-just from all of the busyness, working, life struggles, worrying (even though its a sin), and I have to admit and confess this, this week has even been spiritually and emotionally draining, which is not okay by any means. Around 3, I decided it was time for a good "cat-nap". I walk upstairs to my room, get in my bed, and get nice and cozy underneath my five-layers of blankets. But as I am doing this, my mind is constantly going about people, and mostly one person. A very, very close friend and disciple that God has placed in my life and near and dear to my heart. My mind was "imagining a conversation" with her. For about five minutes, I tossed and turned and eventually fell asleep....and started dreaming.


This was my dream....


I am sitting at a table with the family that I currently live with, eating dinner, and a knock on the front door happens. As I walk to the door I begin to read aloud the logo on my t-shirt that said "I can't wait for that day when I can see you face to face." I open the door, and there is my best friend (we'll call her "Sara"). She is wearing a brown leather coat, a blue shirt with the purple scarf I got her from New York City, alone with dark blue jeans that had a ripped hole on her right knee. Her hair is wavy, like most days that I saw Sara. In her right hand, she was holding her brown suitcase. I looked at her and said "Sara-what are you doing here?!", as I was very excited to see her. "I came for a visit! I have to tell you something, I drove all the way here to New York to see you just so I can tell you." Sara said. "Well what is it?" I asked her. She looked at me without a smile and said "I can't tell you just yet. I need to spend time with you first." I smiled and we hugged. It was a wonderful moment, until....

A few "dream scenes' later 

Her and I were eating and sitting around a circle with a bunch of teenagers from  my church, talking. Sara pulls out a notebook and writes, I'm sorry Malarie, but I have to go. She never handed it to me but I watched her write it without her knowing I saw it. She looks over at me and says, "I have to tell you something, Mal. Please don't say anything, just let me talk. Its already hard enough to tell you and look at you at the same time." She took a deep breath and tears started to swell up her brown eyes. "I no longer live with the others. I have been here in New York for almost three months, and I had to come see you because I am leaving...*another deep breath* the reason that I am leaving is because I wasn't making enough money to financially support myself and pay for the house. I have nowhere to go, Mal, so I have decided to pack up and leave. You will never see me again after today." She stops talking. I immediately start sobbing and saying "Let me help you! You have discipled me for so long and helped me, so let me help you, Sara! I can help you find a place to live, and a place to live. Please don't go Sara!" She doesn't say anything, and I say "I will be right back. I can't take this at the moment...please don't leave." I walk away and I find myself sitting on a twin bed, sobbing. I look at the window, and I see a truck driving down the drive-way. I run outside and someone rolls down the window. Panting, I say "Is Sara with you?! Sara!!!!!" "Sara, anything you want to say?" I don't see Sara, but I hear her shout "I'm sorry Malarie! I'm sorry for having to leave you!!! I love you!!"... And the truck drives away. I drop to my knees on the graveled drive-way and I start screaming and saying "Come back! Come back Sara!!!" She didn't come back. I get up, and I wake up as I begin walking down the driveway, with my hands in my pocket and tears streaming down my face.

I woke up and my mind was racing. My heart was beating fast, what seemed like a million miles a minute, and my breath was taken away. I started crying at the remembrance of the dream that I had. It took me several minutes to convince myself that it was just a dream and that it didn't really happen. Even as I wrote about it, just now, I cried, at just the thought of the dream being reality.

What do dreams even mean? In Bible times, dreams were important and dreamers are found throughout the Scriptures..Job complained that God frightened him with dreams and nightmares. In Job 7:13-14, Job starts out talking to his friend, Eliphaz, and then begins speaking directly to God. The dreams and nightmares are shaking his faith in God. In Daniel 4, Nebuchadnezzar was also frightened by his unusual dream. In his dream, he saw a tree that reached to heaven and was full of fruit. There were wild animals lying in the shade of the tree and there were bird nests and birds in the branches. An angel appears in the dream and says the tree should be cut down and the fruit scattered. The messenger says the animals should be chased away and only the stump and roots should remain. Daniel knows the answer and is frightened some also. And in Genesis 28:13-19, there was Jacob who dreamt of angels going up and down a ladder just like in the song "We are climbing Jacob's ladder". Jacob had tricked his father into giving him his brother Esau's blessing and was now running away. From the top of the ladder, God spoke to him.

God gave people the ability to dream for a reason. Today, although not as big as what they were in Bible times, dreams have a meaning, or that's what I believe. I mean after all, God used dreams to speak to people, so what makes it any different than before? I have no idea what God is doing or anything, this is just my own perspective and thoughts on this part of the blog.  There has to be a reason why I can remember such vivid dreams with so much detail, and let alone, being able to remember them for a long period of time. I remember a dream from when I was three because it scared the daylights out of me! (It had Mario, from Mario Brothers in it, asking if I wanted a pizza, but c'mon- that is pretty scary to a three year old! *Don't judge!*) Obviously, this dream (the one I'm writing about, not the one from when I was 3!) made a huge impact in my mind because it was about someone who I care very much about. I dream of her a lot, along with others who I know who know her as well. Maybe its because I worry about her, even though I shouldn't worry about her because I know God will take care of her, but I care about her. That's what friends do-we care about them, and we want to make sure that everything is okay. Right?....Right. Do I need to base reality with my dreams, no. But does that still give me a reason to at least wonder if she is okay, considering what the dream was about? Honestly, I don't know the answer to that.

Dreams are scary sometimes. They make you think, they make you worry about things that shouldn't even be worried about, you cry over them, you panic, and then there are those that make you laugh and smile at the thought of them, because in my case, with those dreams, people are usually doing or saying something that I know they will never do in reality, or that I know they would do in reality because of who they are. (Those are my favorite dreams, the ones where I remember very little detail-just the funny ones)

I don't really know why I blogged about this, but this dream hit me hard, and it scared me. In a way, I am still confused and saddened by the whole thing. I am asking myself "why did she leave? where is she going? is she okay? is she hurt..sick? Is she struggling with something that she isn't telling? Why didn't she give me that note that she wrote in the dream?" And all of these other questions that I can't stop thinking about. But I am trusting that God is taking care of "Sara" and that everything is okay because its in His plan.

Thanks for reading!!!

Tick Tock..Tick Tock

Today, by the media of Facebook, I read that one of my good friends from Buckeye Career Center, died 7 days ago, and I just found out about it. A part of me feels terrible that I didn't know about this sooner. Here I am, carrying on about my day, my life, like there is no end to tomorrow, and in reality, Jen's life was over at the age of 21. How did she die? In her sleep. She wasn't sick, she wasn't hurt, she was a perfectly healthy, beautiful young woman of Christ, and in one night, her life was gone. Over. I skimmed through her wall and I saw the very last post that she, herself had posted, the same night that she died. It said "Work later. I really need to get back in to exercising.." At that moment, nothing was wrong. That was her life. Her life was going on and she had no idea, that within hours, she would be gone. What an eye opener to me, which is sad because you don't realize how short life is until you lose someone. 

Life is short, you guys. It is not all about fun and games. There is a circle to life. You are conceived, born and then after that, you die. That's it. You never know when it will be over. Those people who you wish you would have said hello to, or given them a hug, or prayed with them, whatever, but you tell yourself "next time. I will do that next time.", well, what if their isn't a next time? What if that was the last time you ever saw them again? Do they know Christ? What if they don't know about Jesus or heaven because nobody talked about Him and the wonders of heaven? Take the plunge. Tell those people about God and how much He loves them! Because you never know when it will be the last time you will see them. When they will see you. Just something to think about...

R.I.P--> JENYPHER WIRTH
11/25/1992- 3/06/2013

 

Just Human

As the picture shows, it is easy to see that I'm not sure really how to feel right now. There are things in life that are weighing me down, and I feel so far away, so distant from the place that I know I must be at right now. I am learning that people are cruel. We say mean things, do mean things, we point fingers at others, we judge others instead of ourselves. All in all, we are malicious people who do malicious things. I have been coming in contact with a lot of those people lately and I'm not sure how to deal with all of it.

You would think that people would be mature about certain things. You come to them, in a confidence of trust, tell them your deepest, darkest, secrets, they promise they won't get mad at you, tell anyone about it, or judge/hold it against you...LIES!!! Its all lies. They will tell. They will judge. They will hold it against you. Never fails. They may not come out and directly say/do those things to you to your face, but they go around this world, talk about you behind your back, stabbing you in the back while doing it. Nobody can keep a secret anymore. Nobody can be trusted. Why? Because we're human.

But what is it about those said people, that drive us insane? I mean seriously...think about it. We are just like them, aren't we? I'm sure that as you are reading this, a certain someone comes into your mind that describes all that I listed above. Right? And another thing that has been bothering me, is that, these people, or at least the ones in my life, say that they are Christians and live a Godly life, when in reality, their actions prove otherwise. They swear, they don't love, they don't care about others-just themselves and their own family, they lie, cheat, hurt feelings, say mean things, stab us in the back, manipulate, judge others, treat others the way that they themselves don't want to be treated. But then again, in reality...we're all human. But just with the fact of "we're human" does not make our actions right by any means....This is what I mean:

There is a sad reality that exists within the church and that is the presence of malicious people. The fruit of their character is divisive and destructive to those that happen to be the target of their attack. By any Biblical standard, their actions are revealed in scripture as evil and wicked. We are given very clear instruction about our response in I Peter 3: 16, “…keep a good conscience so that in the thing in which you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ will be put to shame.” The answer is very easy; we respond in the opposite spirit of the malicious attack. Our behavior should so glorify God that those who would attack us will be made to look foolish because their words will lose credibility when compared to the fruit of our Godly behavior. Christians are challenged to overcome evil with good.....understand??

Now, me personally, there are people in my life who just irritate the crap out of me!! Sometimes I want to walk away from them and never see them again, others I want to be rude and just yell at them, and then there are those who I try and try to make things work. I love them all, because we are called to love like Christ, but it is so difficult sometimes!! I don't really know where I am going with this part of the blog, so I am just going to stop. I hope with what was explained above, helped or at least made sense. Thanks for reading!!!

Sharp Edges..Then and Now

 THEN... (From A Journal Entry...Two years ago)

  "I am alone. I am a nobody. I am worthless. I am ugly. I am fat. I am self-conscious. I am hurt. I am abused....I am a cutter. Who am I? Why am I here? Why doesn't anybody love me? Why am I the way I am? Why doesn't my dad love me? Why can't I just die ?????

Here I am, sharp edge in hand, otherwise known as a knife. I am alone in my bedroom...like always. My parents and brother are downstairs trying to forget the ranting and yelling that just took place moments before, between my dad and I. God-I don't understand how you could have placed me in such an unloving family. Why? A tear is falling down my face as I write this entry. I don't want to be here anymore. I am so tired of being told that I am nothing, but am I? People outside of my family tell me I am who God made me, and that I can be anybody that I choose to be...but is that true or are they just lying to me like everyone else in this world? I can't do this anymore. I want people to understand. I want them to understand and hear my voice! I want them to know that I am angry, but also very much sad. At what, you may ask? I am sad at merely myself. I am sad because I do not feel happy. Sometimes I ask myself if I even know what happiness is, what being happy feels like?. I need to cut. I just need to do it. I need to feel real pain on the outside of my body instead of in my heart. I need it, sadly. It is a crutch, that someday I won't need it anymore. I know that day is coming soon, I can feel it. But it can't save me right here and now. It can't pull me back to safety. Walk a mile in my shoes, feel what I feel, hear what I hear, and see what I see on a daily basis and then maybe, just maybe you can judge me. Until then, I think I will just keep to myself. I am safer that way...here I go."

NOW...(TWO YEARS LATER..)

I am not alone. I am a somebody.  I am valuable. I am beautiful. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am confident. I am free. I am safe. I am loved. I am here to live for Christ and not for myself or anyone else. I am not a cutter....

  Two years ago, I began cutting due to unhappiness in my life and the loneliness of not fully knowing my God and King, the author of my life. Am I going to say that the temptation is no longer there, no, because that would be a lie. But can I say that I have learned to go to God than a razor..yes. I have learned that two years ago, I was looking for "me" in a sinful world. A world that loves hate and self-harm. A world that is very malicious and destructive to the people who live in it, and it just waits to suck you in. God has opened my eyes to allow me to see that I am His and He is mine. I am His Beloved. I am not a cutter, but a follower-not of this world, but of Christ. He has shown me that He has a plan for my life and that He is the author of my story. 

Do I regret doing what I did, yes...and no. Yes because I harmed the temple of God. I picture my body as that temple, and I think of those marks, those scrapes that I placed on the walls of that temple, and how it had made the paint chip off from the wall. But God is good, and throughout the healing process, those walls have been re-painted. I say no because going through what I went through, has made me a stronger person. Even though it was a stupid choice, it brought me closer to God through the encouragement and teaching of who God was and is through others. God has made me stronger in Him, and He is going to use that story to inspire others to seek God, and share the story He is writing. 

It has been two years since I have picked up a razor or a sharp "edge" and I consider it a blessing by far! God is good! I am not a cutter, but a daughter of the most high King! Thank you Jesus for bringing healing into my life and most importantly into my heart!!!!

Being Seperated From My "Comfortable Zone"

   I'm not going to lie, things in New York have been somewhat stressful and crazy. Nothing in particular, just life in general...if that makes any sense. It's all still new for me, even when I do the daily routine of going to work or church, knowing where I'm going for the most part..just waking up everyday and reminding myself that I am no longer in Ohio-no longer in my "comfortable zone", has its own level of stress, alongside other things. So this past weekend, I came back to that "comfortable zone" of mine, known as Ohio...my home, and I must say things have been very peaceful and even though it was chaotic at times, running around like a chicken with no head, trying to see all of my friends and the little family that I was actually able to see. (that's another story in itself), it was just what I needed to head back to New York and await another heart-desired visit here to Ohio.

Now, as I am typing this, I have less than two hours left before I hit the "open road" to head back to the new "home" God has given me, and I must say, I am very much saddened by it all. Just to think that I won't be able to come back for God knows how long, and the fact that I am five hours away (which in reality-is not bad at all) from everyone and my family, breaks my heart. This weekend, I literally felt like I wasn't even from Ohio, but more of a visitor, and that's what I was. A visitor....of my home state.

I'm saddened at the fact that life is carrying on here in Ohio, and I feel like I missing out on a lot of things. I mean, I don't mean that New York is bad or anything, I love it there, its just "home is where the heart is" and right now, it feels like my heart is in Ohio. I even stayed an extra day to fill that "loss" inside of me. Now I must tell myself that I must go back to New York, that still place of "uncomfort", and continue on with my life that God has prepared for me there. My life now that has been placed before me is; being a disciple and teaching about Christ, a coffee girl that works on the corner of Court Street, a soon-to-be nanny, and in my eyes, just another average girl living a very uncomfortable life. But god never promised life would be easy, let alone comfortable, and honestly, if our lives our comfortable, then there is something completly wrong there! It means that our hearts, my heart, is not in the right place. So I am heading back to the "un-normal" realm of things, and embracing every moment of being uncomfortable.

"New York, I'm coming back ready to face whatever comes my way. And for you dear Ohio, soon enough, God willing, I will be back. So this is not goodbye, but a 'see you soon' type of thing." Goodbye Ohio!!!