Homesick.

   There is not a day that goes by where I don't think about the life that God blessed me with back in Alaska. Now...I'm in Oregon, exactly two years after I moved in Alaska. I can't help but to sometimes "beat myself up" over the choices that I made that brought me here-2,900  miles away from the place my heart calls home; one of which was nothing but a long-lost fake romance story. *sigh*

     There is not a single phone call that I receive from friends back home where my heart doesn't long to be back in the cold, year-long, winter-wonderland state. The people that I live with (14 women to be exact) have told me that they kind of get annoyed with me talking about Alaska all the time. But hey? What else is there to say when Alaska was what made me...me? Alaska brought the best out of me. Through my experience there and the 579 days that God had me there, He showed me the best of who "Malarie" was. He showed me the meaning of friendship, love, independence, support, but most importantly, He taught me the importance of JOY. 

   The friends that I have back home are more than just friends who I hung out with-they were family. Some were younger than myself, others were older...but they were my family. EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM. The job that I had as a daycare teacher was more than wonderful. Yes, there were hard times, but at the end of the day, it was a blessing to be around little kids and to teach them 1-2-3's and A-B-C's. The pastel colors of the rainbow and the shape of a stop sign. It was a blessing to pour out love to them...eat animal crackers and string cheese like there was no tomorrow. That was JOY.

I miss the smell of the ocean air and the grains of sand beneath my feet. I miss the sunsets and the sunrises that God greeted me with every morning. I miss it all.

I miss everything about Alaska. I miss the mountain ranges, the tree-tops that I always complained about because they never changed colors in the fall. I miss the construction that was always happening in the middle of town. The busyness of trying to get through a Fred Meyer's grocery line. I miss it all. The Kaladi Brother's Coffee, and my sweet barista friends who let me stay past close. Turns out, I miss everything that at the time, I considered to be "the little things", when now, I would give anything to have them back again. *sigh*

 

   I know that God has me here in Eugene, Oregon, for a reason. Reasons that I am unaware of and not in control of. But I can't help but to wonder where I would be if only...if only I would have stayed. If only I would have listened to friends who told me to do just that. If only I wouldn't have believed the fake romance story. *sigh sigh*


Lord please! Help me get back home! 

                                                                           

My friend Amber and I-doin what we did best! ICE CREAM

 

Brave

  “Being ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage.” That is the definition ofBravery. I am not one to show bravery or courage when it comes to anything that leads to an adrenaline rush. I am not one to be fond of heights, deep water, public areas, waterskiing, wakeboarding, elevators or being a passenger in a car. On the flip side of all of that though, I want to live like no other twenty-two year old has ever lived before. I want to do things and go places that people believe are impossible to venture too. I want to travel the world and meet people who are different than me. I want to live on the edge and go beyond my limits. But with all of that, where does bravery fit in with my life if I am afraid of everything else?  Am I even considered brave?

I would like to believe that I have done so many things that people my own age either want to do what I have done as far as travels go, or they sit back and say “no way.” If I am going to be honest with you, I personally don’t want this life and this journey that I am on to come to a stop. Ever. A lot of people view my life as me being “unstable” or “immature”. In the beginning, I agreed with them. There would be times where I would be upset with God for the path that He had me on. There would be times where I would be so scared that I didn’t think I would make it to the next day. My senior year of High School, when this journey first began, I walked the school hallways, scared and full of fear and anxiety. I made myself sick, and cried in the bathroom stalls. I purposefully would miss my classes just to try and get away from everything…from everyone. I didn’t want to find myself going to the homeless shelter after school, when I knew everyone that I passed in the hallways had a place to go home to. I would like to think that all would count for something, right?

  Let me put bravery into my perspective for you.

   I have been through a lot of, so called “crap” in my life. At twenty-two, I think I have the right to say that I have seen things that I wish I would have never seen, said things that I wish I never said. I have gone here and there to look for things that I, myself, at the time, didn’t even know what I was searching for. I have lived behind the curtain and with the label of “homeless” and “will work for food” attached to my forehead. I have witnessed and have been a victim to scenes of violence, abuse, and manipulation. I have gone through the trials of two pregnancies that had a result of numbing loss in the grief of premature miscarriages. I have come from the life of where I lived in the secrets of truth of being a victim to countless touching’s and vulnerability that I had no sense of control over.  I have lived behind a masquerade of trying to be the “wild one”, while in all reality, I was making myself more vulnerable to be attacked by humans like a lion and its prey.

BRAVE.

I have traveled as far as the east is to the west, and have come in contact with many different people with many horrific stories and testimonies. I have lost loved ones along the way. I know what it is like to live a life of addiction, mental and physical addiction to figurative garbage. I have seen the infamous dirty work and rebellion on the sidelines of “one night stand”, not once, but more times than can be counted with my fingers. I have been the girl who searched for love and acceptance in the eyes of men, men who were complete strangers and who tore me in a million pieces like paper going through a shredder.

COURAGEOUS.

I have been the one who would be called fat and ugly all because I wasn’t what society wanted me to be. I have been the woman who has suffered with the disgusting addiction of sex, party scenes, hatred, and anger. I was the girl who got caught up in myself that I went off the “band wagon” and jumped on the train of depression and suicide thoughts that raged through my vulnerable mind. Day in and day out. The acts of binging and purging were a part of me. Gripping my life in its hand and holding me hostage with absolutely no escape or sense of freedom, that I would be able to gain with my own power. Constantly dying to self and laying myself down at the foot of my own grave. I considered myself to be nothing. I was just like the next criminal to run away from the police, except it wasn’t cops and the law that I was running from. I was running at high speed from those that wanted to help me.  I ran until there was nothing left of me or in my nature to continue going. I ran until that person simply…DIED.

BRAVE.

Through everything that God has allowed me to go through and endure, I have found what it means to be brave. It does not mean that I have to portray it by jumping off a cliff and falling to my death just to prove my bravery. It does not mean that I have to conquer my fear of heights, even though that will come in it’s time…that’s not what makes me brave. What makes me brave is being able to trust God and to have faith that all will be okay. Bravery is all about taking a step into the unknown and walking upon the unfamiliar waters that come with storms. That is bravery.

I am brave. I am strong and courageous. I was made to be brave and to survive the storms of life, even if it means to float. That is true bravery. I am alive…and that in itself makes me….

BRAVE.

Lessons within the Life Change: John 3:16

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”

John 3:16

The term "saved" is used in the Bible to refer to a person receiving Jesus Christ as their Savior and God forgiving them their sins and giving them eternal life. The term "saved" is used more than fifty times in the New Testament to refer to one receiving salvation. It means that one is saved from the condemnation of their sins and because they are saved, it represents the meaning that their sins are forgiven and they go to heaven when they die.

However; being saved is not a question of how good you are, or how many good deeds you have done in your life, nor if you are a church member or have ever been baptized, but with the reality of living the life that you have believed in Jesus Christ as your Savior and received forgiveness for your sins. When those who call upon the Lord as their Savior- He will save them and give them eternal life. But those who do not receive Christ as their Savior will deem themselves to not having eternity in Heaven, but will perish to a more spiritual death of living in Hell.

The message that is depicted throughout the Gospel comes to a focus in the verse of John 3:16. God’s love is not static or self-centered, but instead, it reaches out and draws others in. In this verse, God sets the patterns of true love, the basis for all love relationship. The love that God had for us is a love that He saw as worthy of giving a sacrifice…self-sacrifice. God paid a high price with the life of His Son, Jesus. Jesus, then, accepted our punishment, paid the price for our sins, and then offered us the new life that he had bought for us.

Some people are more so in a trance of repulsion by the idea of eternal life because their lives, in their perspective, are miserable. But in all reality, eternal life is not an “extension” of a person’s miserable, mortal life; eternal life is God’s life that is embodied in Christ given to all believers now as a guarantee that they will live forever. In eternal life there is no death, sickness, enemy, evil or sin. When we don’t know Christ, we make choices as though this life is all that we have. In reality, this life is just the introduction to eternity. When we accept Christ and become saved, we begin to experience the world of eternity by living our lives for God instead of within ourselves and our sin.

Life Change Program Update #1

Dear Friends,

 Hello and greetings from Eugene, Oregon! I know it has been quite some time since some of you have probably heard from me last, and for that, I apologize. Life has been busy and chaotic-but through it all, God is good! Amen?! 

    So much has happened that I simply can not explain in the short amount of time that I have nor in one blog post, but I will try and touch on the basics. *Bare with me as I may be all over the place* 

    As you all know, I am in a Recovery program that is based through a homeless/wellness shelter environment here in Eugene. I have been at the Eugene Mission since the beginning of May and entered the Life Change program in June. The program is all about being afforded the opportunity to experience spiritual growth and healing, as well as emotional recovery in life.  The end goal is that those of us who go through the program, will be better equipped to leave the mission with the tools to be able to reenter society, and to sustain reentry with a job and housing, and the greatest thing-It's all faith based! I must admit that I never thought of myself as one needing "rehab" or recovery, as I am not a drug addict or an alcoholic, but instead..I am an addict to other things. Through this program, there are four phases that I will need to go through within a years time in order to graduate. Currently, I am in the second phase. 

    Throughout my time here, I have learned what it means to be truly honest; not just to those around me, but also honest to myself. For so many years, mainly my whole life, I resolved everything into lies. White lies, big lies, stretched out lies....all lies, lies, lies. Before I became a Christian, I lied so much that I believed the lies that I told and I had no idea who I was! I compared myself to other people by trying to be just like them. If one friend said their favorite color was blue, then mine was blue too. If they liked a certain hobby, then I liked doing it too. It was in everything-I didn't know who Malarie was! I have always known about God and who He is, but I never truly accepted Him in my life until a year ago. Since then, God has put me on the most craziest roller-coaster ride of my life!

    Being here in this program, God has shown me His true and divine nature. His love and His unending mercy that He has not only for me, but also for everyone. Christ has shown me what it means to be forgiven while forgiving those who have hurt me. I can honestly say that I can feel and see the change God is doing in my heart-and I can do nothing but give Him the praise and glory for those changes. 

     About a month ago, God opened doors for me to lead worship next door at the Women's Center where 65 women stay, most of whom do not have a relationship with the Lord. Throughout this past month, God has brought so many of them closer to Him and His kingdom. It is so beautiful to watch these women and to see God interact in their lives, even they don't see it themselves. So beautiful! A common saying around here is "Once an addict...always an addict." Well let me just say-that's sooo not true! God has forgiven and has made us all new, and that is something beautiful. Something beautiful that I like to call a Silver Lining. 

My friends, I have found joy. I have found the meaning to life and have gained freedom; in all forms! I have gained Jesus as Lord of my life and have been made a daughter of the One True King who sits high in His throne in the Heavens...that is who I am. That is who I always will be. 

I pray that you are all well and that you will continue to seek God in all that you do. May the Lord bless you and bring you peace. Much love and many many prayers are sent your way. 

Your Sister in Christ,

Malarie

Like Animals in a Cage

Rotten fruit. 

Toast and cereal for days. 

Tired eyes and weakened bones

Leaves us miserable and exhausted. 

Fighting for sobriety and staying clean. 

You must obey their rules.

For if you don't, you're out of the game. 

Seven days. 

Thirty days. 

Ninety days and more. 

We are like animals

Locked in a cage. 

Strangers come and stare...

They look down and away. 

How dare they socialize with us. 

How dare they know our names. 

Pile of bags mounted high. 

Empty wallets. 

Hungered stomachs. 

But we must say goodbye. 

One o'clock. 

Two o'clock. 

Three o'clock. 

Four. 

The doors and gates come alive. 

Our weakened bones return. 

Sit back. 

Relax. 

But don't you dare fall asleep. 

For if you do, you're out of the game. 

Seven days. 

Thirty days. 

Ninety days and more. 

Pushed to the streets. 

Abandoned.

Alone. 

Nowhere to run to

Nowhere to hide. 

Maybe one day we will have a home. 

But until then,

We are here

Locked away...

                        Like animals in a cage. 

Walk in My Shoes

This post is probably going to be all over the place, as I am unsure of how to gather my thoughts, but please know that what I have to say, means a lot to me in my heart and is, in some ways, a sensitive topic for me to discuss, but the awareness must be raised. I want people to understand.

So here is the truth, which I have stated in my last post....

I live in a homeless shelter. 

Now that the truth is out, let me tell you something...

I am not homeless. 

I have a home. I have a bed, food, daily showers, laundry, shelter, and clothes on my back. I have been blessed with an amazing man who, along with myself, is growing closer to Christ each and every day. I have friends and am forming a sisterhood with the women here at the shelter.

When I first arrived at the Eugene Mission, I was scared and intimidated. I mean, after all, I did not come to Oregon all the way from Alaska, to live in another shelter. I mean, c'mon...I just didn't. Wasn't even in my plans. The reason I came to Oregon was to further my relationship with my boyfriend and get out of the long distance relationship. It is nobody's fault, not even mine, that I am here in this place. This is all God. And yes, at first, I was mad, angry, and very disheartened. I blamed everyone I possibly could, except myself. But seriously-it's nobody's fault that I'm here in this situation. It just happened this way.

Throughout this past week, the whole effect of "culture shock" has taken place. I have seen so many TRUE homeless people. Homeless people who are worse off than us at the shelter. I have seen (more than once in my life) the effects of true and genuine homelessness in the hands of dirty, calloused and blistered hands and feet. Grocery carts full of anything tangible or worth some kind of value. People going through every single trash can on the streets. I have seen torn clothes and toes poking through the holes of what use to be white socks, but now is covered in the traces of the paved streets and sidewalks. Here's a statement for you: try walking in their shoes.  This week, I have been given the opportunities to ride the city buses for both my own leisure and also for job hunting and school, and every single time, I have seen the tired eyes and body of a homeless war Vet. A MAN who had fought for our country, defending our flag while placing his life in harms way, and yet had came home to literally nothing. Literally nothing.

A homeless man who sat outside of the organic store, asking for food. He cried when I have him an apple. 

These look like just a pile of bags. But it's not. This is somebody's home. This is what they have to come back to. Carry with them. 

I know this woman personally. She is the most kindest woman I have ever met. And yet...she has nobody. 

I totaled how many months God has allowed me to be on this journey. 38 months. I have been "unstable" by society terms for 38 months. Given, God has blessed me with all of my basic needs, and have met some pretty amazing people along the way. But this...these people...are hurting. They are broken. 

Many people believe that homeless people are all a bunch of druggies and using junkies. But that's not the case at all. I once knew a man who was a previous lawyer. Never touched drugs or alcohol in his life. He was married and had two daughters about my age at the time, nice home and car, money in the bank... everything that was "perfect" according to the world. Then his wife and his daughters were hit head on by a drunk driver while driving across a bridge, and went over the guard rail and into the river. All three of them died. Two months later, he lost his job due to not being able to function in the court due to emotional stress and turmoil, and because of such events, lost his home and his vehicle. Lost everything. And because of it, society says he (and everyone else who has nothing) is nothing.

Here's another statement for you and think about this...

It could be you tomorrow.

We are all human beings. We have all been created by Christ for a purpose. So please, please...the next time you see a homeless person on the street, picture yourself in their shoes. Picture yourself on the side of the highway, praying someone would give you a dollar. Picture yourself standing outside of the store, crying when someone hands you an apple. Because seriously...

It could be you.

Dear Readers,

  It has been quite some time since I have written a blog post, and it is simply because life has been hectic. I am merely human, and sometimes I feel like I can't even juggle it all. My mind is racing with all of these ideas, fantasies, dreams and visions, that every now and then, can make me feel less like Super Woman and more like a dreamer. People think I'm crazy by the way I live...moving here and there, travelling to this place, meeting and hanging out with "those people" (ya know, the people that aren't so-called normal in societal standards) and never having a place of my own. Honestly, there are times where I want to just punch those people in the throat (okay, maybe not that violent...I don't fly that way) and just tell them to keep their opinions to themselves, because quite frankly, I am happy where God has me. To me-I am stable. 

So much has happened within the past month or so since I have wrote last. I guess I should start out by saying that I no longer live in Alaska. (That was totally unexpected and a shocking reality) In the beginning of April, after only being back in Alaska for two weeks once I returned from visiting my family in Ohio, I moved to Oregon to further my relationship with my boyfriend, Matthew. So...ya, that happened, and in the middle of that, I think I forgot how to breathe. I lived with him, his dad, and his grandma for a month, and due to some personal and family things on Matt's side, his grandma made me move into a woman's shelter here in Eugene, Oregon. (Shocker!) Trust me, just because I live in a homeless shelter, does NOT make me homeless. I am not homeless. Its just a temporary fix until Matthew and I can get our own place.

 Since living in the shelter, God has placed so many women in my life to minister and grow closer in Christ with. We (the women in the shelter) all have different stories and background. Some have past abuse trauma, and personal afflictions that only God can heal. Being in this environment has allowed me the opportunity to kind of "kick butt" like a ninja turtle princess, and strive to succeed in placing stepping stones. This is not my first go-around with this type of living style, and being able to cope with such a dramatic and heavy-burdened change, has become easy for me to adapt too. Its just another season that I am going through, and through the women and what Christ is teaching me...I am there for a reason. I am there to heal and maintain a healthy mind set. I have been staying here at the mission for almost a week, and in that week, God has been in quick movement. He has opened doors for a job interview, applied for college AND got accepted! (I start next month for Graphic Arts and Design). I am not scared or worried, A little impatient at times, but I know that I am here for a reason. Everything is going to be okay! 

So, I apologize if this is not the report that you were wanting to read, but know that I appreciate all prayers and support as possible! God has me right where He wants me and I don't have to be afraid. Nor am I...I actually love my life. It's tough sometimes, but it makes living even more exciting! Hope and pray that all is well with all of you lovely people! Will write again soon! 

Blessings! 

Malarie