Walk in My Shoes

This post is probably going to be all over the place, as I am unsure of how to gather my thoughts, but please know that what I have to say, means a lot to me in my heart and is, in some ways, a sensitive topic for me to discuss, but the awareness must be raised. I want people to understand.

So here is the truth, which I have stated in my last post....

I live in a homeless shelter. 

Now that the truth is out, let me tell you something...

I am not homeless. 

I have a home. I have a bed, food, daily showers, laundry, shelter, and clothes on my back. I have been blessed with an amazing man who, along with myself, is growing closer to Christ each and every day. I have friends and am forming a sisterhood with the women here at the shelter.

When I first arrived at the Eugene Mission, I was scared and intimidated. I mean, after all, I did not come to Oregon all the way from Alaska, to live in another shelter. I mean, c'mon...I just didn't. Wasn't even in my plans. The reason I came to Oregon was to further my relationship with my boyfriend and get out of the long distance relationship. It is nobody's fault, not even mine, that I am here in this place. This is all God. And yes, at first, I was mad, angry, and very disheartened. I blamed everyone I possibly could, except myself. But seriously-it's nobody's fault that I'm here in this situation. It just happened this way.

Throughout this past week, the whole effect of "culture shock" has taken place. I have seen so many TRUE homeless people. Homeless people who are worse off than us at the shelter. I have seen (more than once in my life) the effects of true and genuine homelessness in the hands of dirty, calloused and blistered hands and feet. Grocery carts full of anything tangible or worth some kind of value. People going through every single trash can on the streets. I have seen torn clothes and toes poking through the holes of what use to be white socks, but now is covered in the traces of the paved streets and sidewalks. Here's a statement for you: try walking in their shoes.  This week, I have been given the opportunities to ride the city buses for both my own leisure and also for job hunting and school, and every single time, I have seen the tired eyes and body of a homeless war Vet. A MAN who had fought for our country, defending our flag while placing his life in harms way, and yet had came home to literally nothing. Literally nothing.

A homeless man who sat outside of the organic store, asking for food. He cried when I have him an apple. 

These look like just a pile of bags. But it's not. This is somebody's home. This is what they have to come back to. Carry with them. 

I know this woman personally. She is the most kindest woman I have ever met. And yet...she has nobody. 

I totaled how many months God has allowed me to be on this journey. 38 months. I have been "unstable" by society terms for 38 months. Given, God has blessed me with all of my basic needs, and have met some pretty amazing people along the way. But this...these people...are hurting. They are broken. 

Many people believe that homeless people are all a bunch of druggies and using junkies. But that's not the case at all. I once knew a man who was a previous lawyer. Never touched drugs or alcohol in his life. He was married and had two daughters about my age at the time, nice home and car, money in the bank... everything that was "perfect" according to the world. Then his wife and his daughters were hit head on by a drunk driver while driving across a bridge, and went over the guard rail and into the river. All three of them died. Two months later, he lost his job due to not being able to function in the court due to emotional stress and turmoil, and because of such events, lost his home and his vehicle. Lost everything. And because of it, society says he (and everyone else who has nothing) is nothing.

Here's another statement for you and think about this...

It could be you tomorrow.

We are all human beings. We have all been created by Christ for a purpose. So please, please...the next time you see a homeless person on the street, picture yourself in their shoes. Picture yourself on the side of the highway, praying someone would give you a dollar. Picture yourself standing outside of the store, crying when someone hands you an apple. Because seriously...

It could be you.

Dear Readers,

  It has been quite some time since I have written a blog post, and it is simply because life has been hectic. I am merely human, and sometimes I feel like I can't even juggle it all. My mind is racing with all of these ideas, fantasies, dreams and visions, that every now and then, can make me feel less like Super Woman and more like a dreamer. People think I'm crazy by the way I live...moving here and there, travelling to this place, meeting and hanging out with "those people" (ya know, the people that aren't so-called normal in societal standards) and never having a place of my own. Honestly, there are times where I want to just punch those people in the throat (okay, maybe not that violent...I don't fly that way) and just tell them to keep their opinions to themselves, because quite frankly, I am happy where God has me. To me-I am stable. 

So much has happened within the past month or so since I have wrote last. I guess I should start out by saying that I no longer live in Alaska. (That was totally unexpected and a shocking reality) In the beginning of April, after only being back in Alaska for two weeks once I returned from visiting my family in Ohio, I moved to Oregon to further my relationship with my boyfriend, Matthew. So...ya, that happened, and in the middle of that, I think I forgot how to breathe. I lived with him, his dad, and his grandma for a month, and due to some personal and family things on Matt's side, his grandma made me move into a woman's shelter here in Eugene, Oregon. (Shocker!) Trust me, just because I live in a homeless shelter, does NOT make me homeless. I am not homeless. Its just a temporary fix until Matthew and I can get our own place.

 Since living in the shelter, God has placed so many women in my life to minister and grow closer in Christ with. We (the women in the shelter) all have different stories and background. Some have past abuse trauma, and personal afflictions that only God can heal. Being in this environment has allowed me the opportunity to kind of "kick butt" like a ninja turtle princess, and strive to succeed in placing stepping stones. This is not my first go-around with this type of living style, and being able to cope with such a dramatic and heavy-burdened change, has become easy for me to adapt too. Its just another season that I am going through, and through the women and what Christ is teaching me...I am there for a reason. I am there to heal and maintain a healthy mind set. I have been staying here at the mission for almost a week, and in that week, God has been in quick movement. He has opened doors for a job interview, applied for college AND got accepted! (I start next month for Graphic Arts and Design). I am not scared or worried, A little impatient at times, but I know that I am here for a reason. Everything is going to be okay! 

So, I apologize if this is not the report that you were wanting to read, but know that I appreciate all prayers and support as possible! God has me right where He wants me and I don't have to be afraid. Nor am I...I actually love my life. It's tough sometimes, but it makes living even more exciting! Hope and pray that all is well with all of you lovely people! Will write again soon! 

Blessings! 

Malarie

WanderLust

  I want to live like no other twenty-two year old has lived before. I want to do things and go places that people believe are impossible to venture too. I want to travel the world and meet people who are different than myself. I want to live on the edge.

 In four months, I will be turning twenty-two. I don't know why, but every year around this time, I always think back to the previous year(s) and what I have gone through or endured. I believe that I have done so many things that people my own age either want to do what I have done as far as travels go, or they sit back and say "no way". I honestly, don't want this life and these journey's that I am on to come to a stop. The places and people that Jesus has allowed me to visit, live in, and endure in experiences, has been amazing! 

I have been travelling for the past three years, have lived in four states in two years, and met over 1,500 people. (I counted) A lot of people view my life as me being "unstable" or "immature". In the beginning, I agreed with them. There would be times where I would be upset with God for the path that He had me on. There would be times where I would be so  scared that I didn't think I would make it to the next day. My senior year of High School, when this journey first began, I walked the school hallways, scared and full of fear and anxiety. I made myself sick, and cried in the bathroom stalls. I purposefully would miss my classes just to try and get away from everything...from everyone. I didn't want to find myself going to the homeless shelter after school, when I knew everyone that I passed in the hallways had a place to go home to. That was then.  
   Now...I am so blessed by the places and the hardships that Christ has allowed me to experience. I don't know many (almost) twenty-two year old's who can say that they have friends all over the United States, lived in a homeless shelter not once, but twice, and have gone through abusive situations, some life and death situations to help others...and still have a smile on their face through it all. It's not by my strength that I have been able to get through it all, but by the grace of God. He is the reason that I am alive. I am blessed to be able to live the life that He has me living, because not too many people get to live this type of life. 

This life, this journey, allows me to witness and spread the love of Christ to others. This life and journey allows me to understand the term of "hardship" and "discipline" in ways that a lot of people my age, don't understand. This life and journey allows me to experience freedom. Freedom that I once thought didn't exist. Freedom that wasn't in reach, but has now been placed right at my fingertips. All of the things that God has allowed me to do and will do in the future, is to bring Him and His kingdom, glory. This life and journey allows me, through Christ in me, to change the world, one place, one person, one country, at a time. 

I wouldn't change it for the entire WORLD.

Snot, French Fries, and Alaska

  I have been in Wasilla for almost a week, and I must say that things are quite stressful. There have been times where I ask myself "Mal-what are you doing here?", and sometimes, I regret leaving Ohio, but I know I regret it in the wrong way. I regret it more on selfish terms, and not wanting to do difficult things. So life goes on...I'm here in Wasilla, Alaska.

Today, I had a job interview at a local daycare about twenty minutes away from where I am living. I am in a bit of a "pickle" because I am unsure of whether or not I should take that job. Don't get me wrong-a job is a job no matter what. But this job has no benefits, can't promise full time, and only makes $8.75 an hour. (Minimum wage) When I logically sit down and think about should I or shouldn't I, I think back to my last daycare job where I was making $9 an hour. Even then, I worked full time, ten hours a day, and still lived paycheck to paycheck. If I take this job, then I will hardly even be able to live paycheck to paycheck, and pay my bills on time. But a job is a job. I wish this wasn't so hard.  Finding a job isn't too hard to find here in the "valley", if you don't mind working at fast food places and gas stations that is. So with that, I eve found myself applying (once again) at McDonalds, and Carl's Jr (a.k.a Hardee's).

Selfishly, I think to myself, "Malarie, you did NOT come back to Alaska to flip burgers and salt some french fries! You came here to better yourself and to show others Jesus! Get a move on!" And then there are times where God steps in, actually a lot of times, where He says "Malarie, you are a follower of me. You are my disciple, and where I tell you to go and work, you will do so." Just like my own earthly father would tell me. "Whatever I say, goes." type of thing. God always win.

So...do I take this daycare job, or do I work at McDonalds? I guess when it comes down to it, God will still use me to teach others His word and His love.

CONQUEROR

 Last week, I found myself embarking on a new journey. This time last week, I was on a plane back to Alaska from visiting my family and friends in Ohio. This time last week, I had no idea what was going to happen, or where I was going to go. I had nothing physically...no home, money, or a job. But there was one thing that I know that I did have, and it was and still is Jesus.


 Ever since I graduated High School, to some people, my life has looked like a wreck. The journeys and the hardships that I have had to face; living in a homeless shelter, broken relationships, loss of jobs, miscarriage, constantly battling with where I was going to live, etc; make people believe that I have no stability. That my life is pointless, or that I have nothing to live for. And believe me when I say, I have had plenty of people that have crossed paths with me, tell me those exact words.


 Throughout the different places that Christ has called me, a lot of people do not understand. They don't understand why I am so "brave" to just up and leave everything. I have found myself wondering the exact same thing, but in the end, I am reminded that it is because this life is not my own. Nothing that I own or have...its not mine. Its God's. And the reason why I was brought into this world, was because HE has a mission and a plan that is and was delicately planned specifically me. He has made me a conqueror in His name, and because of that, where He says to go, I will go.


No questions asked.

So I Shall

I am down to less than twenty-four hours before I board a plane back to Alaska. I can't quite get my thoughts together and I have cried more this past week than I think I can handle mentally and emotionally. In less than twenty-four hours, I will be leaving my family and friends, as well as the comfort that I have been able to find in the past three weeks that I have been here in Ohio. In all honesty, I would be lying if I said that I didn't have mixed emotions about leaving tomorrow, and a huge part of me wants to just stay back and intentionally miss that plane that leaves at 11:15 a.m. How will I ever get through this?

In the three weeks that I have been here, I have spent a lot of time of "fleshly" worrying about what I am going to do. More-so of where God wants me. Alaska or Ohio...New York even came through my mind. God had me spend countless of hours praying, reading His truth, worship, more praying-everything.

During my first week here, He reminded me what my calling is in my life;all by finding two journals from back when I was in High School. In those journals, I was reminded me of the places that God has brought me through during those days. He has reminded me of the person that I once was...the dark and depressed Malarie. He showed me who I was without Him. Who I was without Jesus. In one of the journals from 2011, (I was seventeen at the time)  there were a lot of Bile study notes that I had taken, and in one of the studies, we were talking about the "Armor of God" and underneath that, I had written a bullet point of "*What is my calling in life?*" In response to that, I had written that I wanted to minister to those who were lost and without Jesus. I wanted to minister to the homeless and tell them about Jesus...a whole year and a half before I became homeless. Some people call that a coincidence, but I honestly believe and have faith that it was Christ who showed me the path that He would have me walking...four years later after I had wrote those entries. In another journal that I found, was one that my parents had given to me for Christmas in 2010. Towards the end of the journal, I was writing a prayer and I told God that no matter what His plan was for me, I was going to follow Him. No matter how "uncomfortable or scared" I would be. I told Jesus I would follow Him no matter what I went through-the "good, the bad, and the ugly." I told God that I trusted Him with my life. I was seventeen years old....I'm almost twenty-two now. And since 2011, God has had me in Georgia, Ohio, New York, back to Ohio, and Alaska, and is now taking me from small town Soldotna, Alaska, and is having me move north to Wasilla, Alaska. In every single state, I have always came to being "homeless" or not knowing where I am going to live. But every single time, He has provided for me. I have never gone without anything. Because this is where God wants me. Alaska. 

And so...I will go. No matter how scared or uncomfortable I am about going back. No matter how much my feelings and emotions wants to stay in Ohio, I will go. All because I made a promise to God to follow Him.

 As Jesus says in Matthew 16:24 "Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me."

And so I shall. 

  

O' Lord

O' Lord, O' Lord, I know you hear my cry! Your love is lifting me above all the lies. No matter what I face, this I know in time, you'll take all that is wrong and make it right.  "

Those are the lyrics that I heard this morning as I woke up from a jet-lagged sleep. Those lyrics are still harmonizing in my mind and heart...eight hours later. I am currently finding myself sitting in a coffee shop in small town, Sugarcreek, Ohio. I find myself at home. I have been here in Ohio for five days now, and I have done nothing but cry out the words "O' Lord, O' Lord" over and over again.

 I am, once again, in a position where I am unsure of where God wants me. What I thought was going to happen, was that I was going to come back to Ohio for three weeks to try and somehow begin mending the brokenness in my family. Mainly with my parents. But I have come to realize, that I can't fix them. I can't change them. I can't change anything but myself. I have to come to realize that the doors for me to go back to Alaska have come to a close, and it brings sadness to my heart at that reality. I mean, what am I to do? Physically and worldly, I have nothing. I am now without a job, a home, and possibly a car. In both places. But the one thing that I know has remained and will ALWAYS remain, is Jesus.

O' Lord, O' Lord. 

 I am unsure of what I am to do. In two weeks, I will be approaching the date that my flight leaves for Alaska. Do I get on that plane knowing that I have nothing to return to, or do I stay and start over here in Ohio? All I know is that I can't worry about the here and now, or anything in my past, but I must stay focused on the one thing that I know will never change. The one thing that will always remain...

O' Lord. O' Lord, I know you hear my cry! Your love is lifting me above all the lies.