Finding Hope: The Truth of How a Miscarriage Made Me Stronger

Growing up I was that girl who was against sex. Anything to do with such a thing, made my face cringe. When I would see my parents kiss , even though they were married, it would make my stomach go into knots. I was the girl that would always make the comment “Gross! Go get a room!” I was also that girl in Junior High who was a part of the so-called “Abstinence Team”...The A-Team. Yup-that was me, going from school to school with other team members who, just like me wanted nothing to do with sex. We would go around telling thirteen and fourteen year old's not to have sex because of skin and flesh eating diseases, and how NOT to have sexual relationships, while still explaining how to use a condom by placing it on a ripe banana. Made complete and total sense. (Insert Sarcasm) I was the type of girl, that when my friends proudly bragged about their weekend flings with their boyfriends, I made darn sure to tell them how wrong they really were for having sex before marriage. I mean after all, sex was and is considered for marriage. Basically, I told them that they would be doomed to hell for the rest of eternity...I mean after all, I was THAT girl.

I graduated high school in May of 2012, and I began my journey of living out the single life. Up until that point, I was still the same girl that I was back in school, and I still had that “Junior High mentality” when it came to the topic of sex. There was, however, a change that took place over the course of my High School career. You can call it hormones, growth spurts, or whatever floats your boat, but I rapidly became the girl who was obsessed (I'm meaning REALLY obsessed!) with sappy love stories. While all of my other friends and classmates were out partying away on Friday nights getting hammered, high, and having sex, I was on my couch partying away in my blue, rubber duck printed, pajama pants, watching Nicholas Sparks' “The Notebook” on the Hallmark Channel, and emptying out all the kleenex's that sat in the middle of my coffee table. All because I wanted to have a perfect, sappy love story just like Noah and Allie. Yup...I was THAT girl. So...after a period of time, and so many empty kleenex boxes later, I decided to set out on a journey of my own to find that sappy love story of my own.

In the following months of August through October of 2012, I lived in Stone Mountain, Georgia, as a live-in nanny for ten children. I'm not going to go into detail about that season of life, because trust and believe me when I tell you that it is a long story. I moved back to Ohio, and on Christmas Day, 2012, I once again found myself packing my small, white, chevy cavalier with all of my belongings (which wasn't much by the way) and I hit the road to small town Corfu, New York.

This is where the story begins...

  When I moved to New York, I moved in with my close friend Emily and her family. While living with her family, I worked at a coffee shop that was located about thirty minutes away from the house. It was there that I met all of my New York “family”. In the midst of working at this coffee shop, I was also hanging with the wrong “crowd” of people outside of my “family”. I spent a lot of my time with people who liked to party and live the free life. They were people who weren't afraid to “let loose” or have a good time. Sex, drinking, more nightly sex flings...I wanted that life. I wanted to let loose and have “fun”. Besides-people were always telling me that I was so uptight about my life. Stressed. That I needed to be free and actually “enjoy” life. So I did just that.

   I ended up meeting a guy through a friend of mine, and after about six hours of knowing each other, we had sex. That guy was my first. I thought I was ready for it, but when the time came, I wasn't. I remember that night clear as day. It was nearly five in the morning and we were sitting in his living room watching Family Guy. ( I hate that show) He then pulled the back of my grey hoodie without saying anything, and started kissing me. I didn't know what to do. My heart was beating so fast that I thought it was going to come out of my body. I remember feeling nervous. NUMB. I wasn't ready. I didn't want it. But when he asked if it was okay, I gave him the slightest nod of yes. In some aspects, I guess that was me giving him consent to continue. I gave him permission. During the few minutes that everything was happening, I felt as if I left my body. It was almost as if I was watching from above, the acts that were taking place. The next morning was everything but a blur for me. I felt sick, and even now, as I write about this moment, my stomach is turning. I walked out of his apartment, and walked the sidewalked path to my car. I was crying uncontrollably. My mind raced at a hundred miles an hour. “How could I have let this happen? I was supposed to be THAT girl who was against sex until marriage. I was wanting to wait until marriage. You're nothing Malarie. You are nothing.” When I got to my car, I threw up. My Bible was sitting in the passenger seat and when I turned on my car, the song “How He Loves” came on. I smashed my hand against the stereo so hard, that the impact ended up breaking my radio. As far as my Bible went, I rolled my window down, and threw it as hard as I could. God couldn't have loved me anymore after what I did. Although there was guilt, shame, and disgust in my heart, it didn't take long for an addiction to the active “sex life” to deterioate my life.

  Two months after the rampage first began, I moved back to Ohio. I left New York and everyone that I loved; my friends, my church family (even though I stopped going for a month), the coffee shop, everything. When I moved back, let me just say that things didn't work out the way they were supposed to, so I ended up living in a homeless shelter and attending community college at the same time. During my time at the shelter, I was extremely alone, depressed, and I was on a mission to seek out attention. I became THAT girl. The addiction to sex was how I learned to live free and let loose from all of the homeless, crummy, life of cards that I was unwillingly dealt. I quickly began to live the disgusting and rebellious life of sleeping with any man that would have me, most of whom I didn't know...that's how I met Derrik.

I met Derrik online. We talked over texting for a day and a half, and before I knew it, I found myself driving a half hour to his apartment. At that point I didn't know what this man was capable of. For all I knew, he could have raped and killed me right then and there. He could have never let me leave. But I still went. When I got to his apartment door, it took me five minutes to find the brave courage (if you want to call it that) to knock on his door. When he answered, he immediately took me to his bedroom. The whole “course of action” was about ten minutes. When we were finished, he walked me to the door and tossed me a quarter and said “Thanks for the favor.”, and that was that. Once again, I found myself being manipulated and used as just another woman that he could add to his list. I felt betrayed, worthless, and full of disgust. I remember leaving feeling the same way that I did when I was back in New York. NUMB. Except this time, I knew my worth. Twenty-five cents...that was my worth. That was the moment that God changed my heart and took me for a life changing ride that I was not prepared for in any way.

In October of 2013, I started getting sick-nausea, vomiting, headaches, and constant abdomen cramping. One night, I had a stabbing pain that shot through my back. This pain was excruciating and it took my breath away. I called a friend of mine and asked her if she would take me to the hospital. They ran various amounts of blood panels, including a pregnancy test. While I waited to hear what those tests were, they ordered an ultra sound. That's when my life changed.

  I laid in the dark ultra sound room, and the technician ran the wand across my stomach and stopped. I could hear her say “Oh my gosh.” under her breath. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she had to go ask my ER doctor if there was anything else that she was supposed to be looking for. I waited in the dark room for five treacherous minutes. When the technician came back, what she said next, was something that I was not prepared to hear....She told me that I was two and a half months pregnant and was getting ready to enter my third month of pregnancy. As she was telling me this, everything sounded muffled, as if I was submerged underwater. I remember asking her quite a few times to repeat herself. I couldn't believe it. I was pregnant. I was THAT girl. I left the hospital feeling nervous, scared, excited, anxious and everything else a twenty year old pregnant woman should have been feeling at that time. The next day, I called Derrik and told him that I was pregnant and that it was his child, but just like with the value of the quarter, his child was nothing to him. His child was worthless. After that, I didn't tell anyone about this new journey, but I told myself my baby and I were going to make it. I went from being a homeless woman who was worth twenty-five cents, to being worth everything to this little human that was growing inside of me. I had in my heart, mind and soul, that I was going to be okay. That I was going to be the best mom that I could be to my child. I had it in my heart, soul and mind that my sex addictive life was over. That I was free. That WE were free. God was going to have me be okay. Or maybe I wasn't.

December of 2013 was the most tragic month of my life. I was almost four months pregnant with this growing child. I was attending a local University, majoring in Nursing, and I was becoming a better person for my child. I was sitting in my English Composition class when I felt the tight, electrifying pinch in my abdomen. I immediately felt sick and ran to the bathroom. I threw up. When I stood up in the stall, that's when I saw the blood. I didn't want this reality to be happening. A shiver of fear swarmed and rushed through my body. I had a friend of mine drive me to the hospital. On that day, December 8, 2013, my life changed forever. No heart beat. No rhythm. My baby was gone. My purpose for living was all but short of living for.

Two weeks later, on December 18^th, 2013, I left Ohio. I left everything that reminded me of the life of hurt, pain and destruction, and got a plane to Alaska. I left for complete isolation and nobody knew the true reason of why I left. I never told anyone the reason why I truly was leaving.

It is now January of 2015, and I am still here in Alaska. I am still living my life. Although, losing Brayleigh, my daughter, was the most heart-wrenching, and painful thing that I have ever experienced, God has given me freedom. He has given me hope. The past year and a half has been one of the hardest years that I have ever gone through as a woman and as a mother. There are days where my heart grips with the wanting and the desire to have Brayleigh in my arms again. She would be turning a year old this year. I would be planning her first birthday. My life would be completely different. But in this pain, I have HOPE. I have hope, that one day, Brayleigh and I will be reunited at the gate of Heaven.

Today, a year and a half later, I am strong. I am worth more than twenty-five cents. I am worth more than the mistakes that I have made. I am not broken, but I am repaired and mended because of the grace that God has given me in the midst of this worldly life. I am a new creation.

I have found hope in Christ.

~This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil, where Jesus has entered as a forerunner for us, having become a high priest forever...”~

Hebrews 6:19

Scared.

  How does one person know if they, themselves, feel burdened? I must admit that ever since camp ended, life has been extremely challenging and hard. I can't seem to focus anymore. My heart, I am finding, is heavy with conviction, shame, remorse, anger, sadness, and everything else in between. I mean, don't get me wrong-I have my moments and sometimes even days, where happiness and joy realm within my heart. I am a person who has those things that "shine" when I am around other people, but deep down, when I find myself to be alone, those amazing feelings seem to disappear. Vanish into thin air.

 Well, let me just say that...I am tired.

 Over the course of the past month and a half, I have been fighting a sickness. The doctors don't really know what is wrong, and yet I am still finding myself to be sick. Throwing up, nausea, dizziness, fainting, fast heart beat, temporary numbness in my legs, chest pain, headaches, and sometimes (this has only happened twice) my vision becomes blurry. As a previous nursing student who has taken some courses regarding the medical field, I thought these symptoms were just plain anxiety. I mean, I have a TON of stuff on my plate. More than what I feel I can handle..but God never gives us anything that we can't handle, right? With all of these symptoms, I find myself being agitated, irritable, angry, impatient. Today, I was placed on a heart monitor for twenty-four hours. The doctors will be able to see my rhythm of my heart beat and depending on what the results are, I may have to wear it longer. Its hard for me to face this reality. I mean its obvious that its plain to see that I don't have it together, but yet this just constantly keeps going. I just want it to stop, but every time I get impatient or ask God what is wrong with me, its as if He is saying "wait, my child. Be patient." Well, fleshly, and quite frankly, I find myself telling Him that I don't want to be patient. I can't be patient. I want to know what is happening to my body.

I want to know because truth is...I'm scared.

Freedom in a Hurricane of Love

"Amazing grace how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me" were the lyrics that danced through my mind as I woke up this morning. When I awoke, my heart was completely focused on the love that Christ has for me. The reality and truth hit me hard..the truth that I was "once lost, but now am found" seemed to overwhelm my heart. My heart that was once hardened and chained to the sins of the world, anger, manipulations and addictions have finally been set free.

 My whole life, I have always wanted to know what it felt like to be free. I never understood the meaning, or the depths of that ONE word. The word freedom would dance and roll off my tongue so strongly, that it gave me chills to just think about something so incredible and powerful. To think of something that I thought I would never gain access too all because of my so called "problems". I have always wanted to be free. 

 Being a twenty-one year old woman, I can now say that I have found hope, joy, and peace in the midst of my trials and circumstances...the good, the bad, and the ugly ones. I have found the root of pure love from the depths of Christ's heart. His compassion for me is strong. "He loves like a hurricane, and I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory.'' And it in these moments of complete awe and stillness, that I have realized just how beautiful God is and "how great His reflection", His jealousy, is for me. For me! I am a sinner, and God has found me and "fearfully and wonderfully He has made me according to His image! The love and compassion that my Jesus has for me can not compare to anything else in this world. And regardless of where I have once lived, lost and corrupted .by the sins of this world,  never once did He leave me on my own. Never once did I ever walk alone.  Because as the song says "You are faithful, God. You are faithful."

I have come to realize and accept the fact that God is faithful. That His promises and His plans for me, are for my own good. I find that promise scripted in the book of Jeremiah 29:11, as it says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Sometimes, our plans that we make for our lives are different from the plan that Christ has for us. I have realized that I can not control my life or what happens to me. My life is not my life to live. Its God's life that He has planned for me and He has chosen me to live it. And the plans that Christ has planned for me, may be things that I don't want to do. He may call me to another country (or state) that is 4,000 some miles away from my "comfort zone". He may have planned for me to marry some amazing guy who loves Christ just as much as I do, or He may not have me get married at all in life. His plans for me may entitle me giving up everything I possibly have in order to serve Him;whatever that may look like. We don't know the plans that He has for us, nor do I know the plans He has for me, but I can cling to the promise that those plans are not meant to harm me but they are meant to give me hope and a future. And with that promise, I have found freedom.

Sometimes I care too much about people. People tell me that I need to "be selfish" for myself. Care about me more than other people. Focus on my life and not anyone else's. Well I can't seem to do that. I don't want to do those things that people tell me. I don't want to be known as the "selfish one". I want to leave this world with an impact so huge for God that people will question why I was so different from them. Here's a little truth about myself...

  I am different than you.

 There are times where I wish that I could take the pain, the hurt, the anger and the frustrations away.  I want to take the battles that seem to never find themselves being won away and throw them away. I wish I could just take care and adopt every single orphan in this world. I wish I could come to peaceful terms with those over in Israel who are a part of ISIS. I wish I could save those in the very moments of taking their lives by the wrenching reality of a rope or bullet. I wish I could protect every mother from the grief of infertility and miscarriage. Or from them finding out that their child has cancer or a life threatening disease. I wish I could find a cure for cancer so more kids and people in general, could have more birthdays...more Christmas'. I wish I could be the one to bring soldiers home from Afghanistan with no bruises, no scars, no lost limbs or night terrors. I wish I could take every reason away for a drug addict to use. I wish I could tell and convince every prostitute who spend their nights walking the street corner, that they are looking for things in all the wrong places and that there is hope. Or tell those that are starving themselves that they truly are beautiful-inside and out. Honestly, I wish I could change a lot of things in this world, but truth and reality is, I can't. I'm not God.

As much as what I want to change the things in this world, I know that I can't. I know that I have no control over anything-even my own life. I can't stop things from happening. I can't stop the acts of death and suicide from occurring...no matter how much I want them too. This is the difference in myself that I have noticed and have been convicted of over this past week. I try too hard to change the things that I can't. I try too hard to just simply be my own God, and that is not okay. I have found myself asking Christ to renew my heart and for forgiveness; every single day.

 And another thing that I am asking myself is

Is this how Jesus felt when He took on the weight and sin of the world?

Laying it All Out

I have been through a lot of, so called "crap" in my life. At twenty-one, I think I have the right to say that I have seen things that I wish I would have never seen, said things that I wish I never said. I have gone here and there to look for things that I, myself, at the time, didn't even know what I was searching for. I have lived behind the curtain and with the label of "homeless" and "will work for food" attached to my forehead. I have witnessed and have been a victim to scenes of violence, abuse, and manipulation. I have gone through the trials of a pregnancy that had a result of numbing loss in the grief of miscarriage. I have from the life of where  I lived in the secrets of truth of being a victim to countless touchings and vulnerability that I had no sense of control over.  I have lived behind a masquerade of trying to be the "wild one", while in all reality, I was making myself more vulnerable to be attacked by humans like a lion and its prey.

 I have traveled as far as the east is to the west, and have come in contact with many different people with many horrific stories and testimonies. I have lost loved ones along the way. I know what it is like to live a life of addiction, mental and physical addiction to figurative garbage. I have seen the infamous dirty work and rebellion on the sidelines of "one night stand", not once, but more times than can be counted with my fingers. I have been the girl who searched for love and acceptance in the eyes of men, men who were complete strangers and who tore me in a million pieces like paper going through a shredder.

I have been the one who would be called fat and ugly all because I wasn't what society wanted me to be. I have been the woman who has suffered with the disgusting addiction of sex, party scenes, hatred, and anger. I was the girl who got caught up in myself that I went off the "band wagon" and jumped on the train of depression and suicide thoughts that raged through my vulnerable mind. Day in and day out. The acts of binging and purging were a part of me. Gripping my life in its hand and holding me hostage with absolutely no escape or sense of freedom, that I would be able to gain with my own power. I considered myself to be nothing. I was just like the next criminal to run away from the police, except it wasn't cops and the law that I was running from. I was running at high speed from those that wanted to help me.  I ran until there was nothing left of me or in my nature to continue going. I ran until that person simply...

DIED.

Today...one year later, I am ALIVE. I am alive in Christ, and my old self has died and a new spirit in me has been born. I am no longer that girl who struggled with addiction, but I am now a woman who is free. I am a woman who is loved and who has been rejuvenated to being a different person with a different heart. I have found what I have been searching for my whole life. I have found a reason to live. I have found that I am a woman of God. Loved, pursued, chosen, and equipped with words of life. I am blessed because I believe! I have found exactly who I am and what I am here for...and His name is

JESUS.

Something to Say

I have been single pretty much my whole life. I have never had a relationship with any man. I have never held hands, hugged, genuinely kissed, or loved a man ever in my twenty-one years of breathing. That's right...NEVER! Frankly, this truth of mine is a secret that once is told, everyone stares at me and says "are you serious?!" almost like I just told them I was dying or something. 

   Sadly, in this world and based on the society that us so called "single" people live in, we are treated as if being single is a disease. I know there are days where I feel like it is, I mean I'm human, but then more recently there are days where I have realized that I have wasted so much time, energy and value in trying to find the one. Sometimes, my selfishness takes hold of me and I tell myself that he isn't out there. That my so called "prince charming" is non-existent. That I will live my life talking to my millions of cats, while sitting in a rocking chair on my porch in the middle of nowhere, knitting a scarf. Not the type of life that I want to live, but I have come to the conclusion that I would rather have that kind of a life, then have nothing at all. But more importantly, my value and my love are found in Jesus. 

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*I feel as if I am losing my train of thought of all that I want to say, because let me tell you-I have something to say...so moving onward* 

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A lot of people who I hang around, even those that I consider disciples and mentors have asked me about my "love life". Its usually the first thing they ask me when we begin a relationship. Its like people actually want to know me! *shocking!* When I tell them that I have never had a relationship with anyone, they do one of two things, almost always! They will either A) tell me that I am young and I have plenty of time -or- B) insist that they play Match Maker and help me "find" someone. People, as much as I find that...flattering...(I don't really) I just want to say this one thing. Ready for it? STOP TRYING! I do want a relationship, but then again, I don't. *gasps* But there are things that a lot of people don't know about. Things I have been trying to let go of or in all reality-forget even happen. 

 

  I will not deny that I have lost my virginity already even though I have never dated. There was a time in my life where I was looking for things in all the wrong places. Looking for; love, acceptance, wanting, care, romance, a choice of my own, in all the wrong places. I places my value in men-in people. I allowed myself to get lost in a whirlwind of selfishness and allowed vulnerability to set in it's course. I have been pregnant but resulted in a miscarriage at four months. I have been used as "one night stands" and as a "piece of meat" by men. But I allowed them to use me that way. All of which made me feel disgusted about myself. How could God still love me after what I have done? After destroying His temple? I made a promise to Him that I would remain pure until the day I got married way before I even knew what sex was and then all of a sudden, that promise was broken-over and over again. 

 But I have learned something through the midst of it all. I have learned that I have something to say. I have a lot to say-I have a story to tell. And this story of mine doesn't have a terrible ending. As a matter of fact, it's still being written. Not by me; oh no! But by Christ my Savior and my redeemer. The ONE who saved me and has forgiven me for all that I have done wrong. This is what I have to say-I am free! I am free in Jesus and no human or man can take that freedom from me. And same goes for you. Are you free? Or are you living in a world where you are searching for the wrong things in all the wrong places? Turn to God-it is never too late for Him to change you and for Him to make your mess into something beautiful. 

That is all I have to say. 

 

Prayer To My King

 "They mock you and they scowl at the sound of your name. They belittle your unending grace. They laugh at the sound of worship, and flee in the sense of uncomfort at the sight of your word, oh Lord."

I live in the corruption of world darkness, but I trust you, God. Forgive them, Lord, for they are lost and sentenced to a life in Hades and Hell without you in their lives. EMBRACE YOUR LIGHT AND GLORY!!  At times, I have fell away from you and your beauty, and replaced myself in the act of rebellious sin. Forgive me, Lord!

  Hear my cry! Be gracious to me, O Lord! Please see my affliction from those who hate me, because you, and only you can lift me up from the gates of death! I want and need to recount all your praises, that I may rejoice in the salvation that I have in you!

I am your child, and I will not let those who deny you, cast me away from you, Father! SEARCH MY HEART and TEST MY MIND! EXAMINE ME!! Make me yours, Father! Forgive me and hear my plea!

For you, my God, are Holy!

"Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come!"

 

 

Father! HEAR ME! Take my heart! Take all that I am! Take my life!!!! Take all of me Lord of hosts! I am yours! Make me new for I am your Bride and your Beloved, and you have called me by name! Worthy are you, my Lord and God.

 

Receive glory and honor, and power, for you created all things!!"

 

 

I love you my Lord!

 

 

 

 

AMEN