Sometimes I care too much about people. People tell me that I need to "be selfish" for myself. Care about me more than other people. Focus on my life and not anyone else's. Well I can't seem to do that. I don't want to do those things that people tell me. I don't want to be known as the "selfish one". I want to leave this world with an impact so huge for God that people will question why I was so different from them. Here's a little truth about myself...

  I am different than you.

 There are times where I wish that I could take the pain, the hurt, the anger and the frustrations away.  I want to take the battles that seem to never find themselves being won away and throw them away. I wish I could just take care and adopt every single orphan in this world. I wish I could come to peaceful terms with those over in Israel who are a part of ISIS. I wish I could save those in the very moments of taking their lives by the wrenching reality of a rope or bullet. I wish I could protect every mother from the grief of infertility and miscarriage. Or from them finding out that their child has cancer or a life threatening disease. I wish I could find a cure for cancer so more kids and people in general, could have more birthdays...more Christmas'. I wish I could be the one to bring soldiers home from Afghanistan with no bruises, no scars, no lost limbs or night terrors. I wish I could take every reason away for a drug addict to use. I wish I could tell and convince every prostitute who spend their nights walking the street corner, that they are looking for things in all the wrong places and that there is hope. Or tell those that are starving themselves that they truly are beautiful-inside and out. Honestly, I wish I could change a lot of things in this world, but truth and reality is, I can't. I'm not God.

As much as what I want to change the things in this world, I know that I can't. I know that I have no control over anything-even my own life. I can't stop things from happening. I can't stop the acts of death and suicide from occurring...no matter how much I want them too. This is the difference in myself that I have noticed and have been convicted of over this past week. I try too hard to change the things that I can't. I try too hard to just simply be my own God, and that is not okay. I have found myself asking Christ to renew my heart and for forgiveness; every single day.

 And another thing that I am asking myself is

Is this how Jesus felt when He took on the weight and sin of the world?

Laying it All Out

I have been through a lot of, so called "crap" in my life. At twenty-one, I think I have the right to say that I have seen things that I wish I would have never seen, said things that I wish I never said. I have gone here and there to look for things that I, myself, at the time, didn't even know what I was searching for. I have lived behind the curtain and with the label of "homeless" and "will work for food" attached to my forehead. I have witnessed and have been a victim to scenes of violence, abuse, and manipulation. I have gone through the trials of a pregnancy that had a result of numbing loss in the grief of miscarriage. I have from the life of where  I lived in the secrets of truth of being a victim to countless touchings and vulnerability that I had no sense of control over.  I have lived behind a masquerade of trying to be the "wild one", while in all reality, I was making myself more vulnerable to be attacked by humans like a lion and its prey.

 I have traveled as far as the east is to the west, and have come in contact with many different people with many horrific stories and testimonies. I have lost loved ones along the way. I know what it is like to live a life of addiction, mental and physical addiction to figurative garbage. I have seen the infamous dirty work and rebellion on the sidelines of "one night stand", not once, but more times than can be counted with my fingers. I have been the girl who searched for love and acceptance in the eyes of men, men who were complete strangers and who tore me in a million pieces like paper going through a shredder.

I have been the one who would be called fat and ugly all because I wasn't what society wanted me to be. I have been the woman who has suffered with the disgusting addiction of sex, party scenes, hatred, and anger. I was the girl who got caught up in myself that I went off the "band wagon" and jumped on the train of depression and suicide thoughts that raged through my vulnerable mind. Day in and day out. The acts of binging and purging were a part of me. Gripping my life in its hand and holding me hostage with absolutely no escape or sense of freedom, that I would be able to gain with my own power. I considered myself to be nothing. I was just like the next criminal to run away from the police, except it wasn't cops and the law that I was running from. I was running at high speed from those that wanted to help me.  I ran until there was nothing left of me or in my nature to continue going. I ran until that person simply...

DIED.

Today...one year later, I am ALIVE. I am alive in Christ, and my old self has died and a new spirit in me has been born. I am no longer that girl who struggled with addiction, but I am now a woman who is free. I am a woman who is loved and who has been rejuvenated to being a different person with a different heart. I have found what I have been searching for my whole life. I have found a reason to live. I have found that I am a woman of God. Loved, pursued, chosen, and equipped with words of life. I am blessed because I believe! I have found exactly who I am and what I am here for...and His name is

JESUS.

Something to Say

I have been single pretty much my whole life. I have never had a relationship with any man. I have never held hands, hugged, genuinely kissed, or loved a man ever in my twenty-one years of breathing. That's right...NEVER! Frankly, this truth of mine is a secret that once is told, everyone stares at me and says "are you serious?!" almost like I just told them I was dying or something. 

   Sadly, in this world and based on the society that us so called "single" people live in, we are treated as if being single is a disease. I know there are days where I feel like it is, I mean I'm human, but then more recently there are days where I have realized that I have wasted so much time, energy and value in trying to find the one. Sometimes, my selfishness takes hold of me and I tell myself that he isn't out there. That my so called "prince charming" is non-existent. That I will live my life talking to my millions of cats, while sitting in a rocking chair on my porch in the middle of nowhere, knitting a scarf. Not the type of life that I want to live, but I have come to the conclusion that I would rather have that kind of a life, then have nothing at all. But more importantly, my value and my love are found in Jesus. 

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*I feel as if I am losing my train of thought of all that I want to say, because let me tell you-I have something to say...so moving onward* 

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A lot of people who I hang around, even those that I consider disciples and mentors have asked me about my "love life". Its usually the first thing they ask me when we begin a relationship. Its like people actually want to know me! *shocking!* When I tell them that I have never had a relationship with anyone, they do one of two things, almost always! They will either A) tell me that I am young and I have plenty of time -or- B) insist that they play Match Maker and help me "find" someone. People, as much as I find that...flattering...(I don't really) I just want to say this one thing. Ready for it? STOP TRYING! I do want a relationship, but then again, I don't. *gasps* But there are things that a lot of people don't know about. Things I have been trying to let go of or in all reality-forget even happen. 

 

  I will not deny that I have lost my virginity already even though I have never dated. There was a time in my life where I was looking for things in all the wrong places. Looking for; love, acceptance, wanting, care, romance, a choice of my own, in all the wrong places. I places my value in men-in people. I allowed myself to get lost in a whirlwind of selfishness and allowed vulnerability to set in it's course. I have been pregnant but resulted in a miscarriage at four months. I have been used as "one night stands" and as a "piece of meat" by men. But I allowed them to use me that way. All of which made me feel disgusted about myself. How could God still love me after what I have done? After destroying His temple? I made a promise to Him that I would remain pure until the day I got married way before I even knew what sex was and then all of a sudden, that promise was broken-over and over again. 

 But I have learned something through the midst of it all. I have learned that I have something to say. I have a lot to say-I have a story to tell. And this story of mine doesn't have a terrible ending. As a matter of fact, it's still being written. Not by me; oh no! But by Christ my Savior and my redeemer. The ONE who saved me and has forgiven me for all that I have done wrong. This is what I have to say-I am free! I am free in Jesus and no human or man can take that freedom from me. And same goes for you. Are you free? Or are you living in a world where you are searching for the wrong things in all the wrong places? Turn to God-it is never too late for Him to change you and for Him to make your mess into something beautiful. 

That is all I have to say. 

 

Prayer To My King

 "They mock you and they scowl at the sound of your name. They belittle your unending grace. They laugh at the sound of worship, and flee in the sense of uncomfort at the sight of your word, oh Lord."

I live in the corruption of world darkness, but I trust you, God. Forgive them, Lord, for they are lost and sentenced to a life in Hades and Hell without you in their lives. EMBRACE YOUR LIGHT AND GLORY!!  At times, I have fell away from you and your beauty, and replaced myself in the act of rebellious sin. Forgive me, Lord!

  Hear my cry! Be gracious to me, O Lord! Please see my affliction from those who hate me, because you, and only you can lift me up from the gates of death! I want and need to recount all your praises, that I may rejoice in the salvation that I have in you!

I am your child, and I will not let those who deny you, cast me away from you, Father! SEARCH MY HEART and TEST MY MIND! EXAMINE ME!! Make me yours, Father! Forgive me and hear my plea!

For you, my God, are Holy!

"Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come!"

 

 

Father! HEAR ME! Take my heart! Take all that I am! Take my life!!!! Take all of me Lord of hosts! I am yours! Make me new for I am your Bride and your Beloved, and you have called me by name! Worthy are you, my Lord and God.

 

Receive glory and honor, and power, for you created all things!!"

 

 

I love you my Lord!

 

 

 

 

AMEN

 

 



 



 

 



 

 

 



Joy Found Within

I'VE GOT JOY! DOWN IN MY HEART! DEEP, DEEP, DOWN IN MY HEART!!! 

 

 

 This is not going to be a super long post, but I just want to say that God has my heart this morning! (well all the time but you know what I mean!) Right now, at this very moment, my heart is leaping with joy, happiness, and peace, and I must say that it is a BEAUTIFUL feeling!

"Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls." (1 Peter 1:8-9)

This joy that I have is simply elegant, exquisite and beyond measures of complete beauty! I do not even know how to describe it to be honest with you! Ha! I look at that as a good thing!

All I can say is this....

Today I choose life. Every morning when I wake up I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain... To feel the freedom that comes from being able to continue to make mistakes and choices - today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity but embrace it.

LABELS and TRUTH BE TOLD



 



 

 

 

 

          Weird.... Garbage... Low-Life...Lonely. Loser.... Ugly...

          Disgusting... Fat... Freak... Wreck... Stupid...Worthless.

                Slow.....Dumb...Sinner...Lustful...Adultery...Cheater...Liar..

                  Shy...Manipulative...Selfish..

              Fake...Depressed...Bitter...Angry...Hateful...

                Prideful...Addict...Alcoholic...Afraid.

 

 

These are the labels. These are the lies that we call ourselves. These are the names that the world sees us as.

"Even with whatever people want to label me with, there are so many other sides to me."

(Wiz Khalifia)

 

 

 

 

 This is hard to believe and it will probably sound crazy, because we as humans, have this deception that when God changes people, He can't do it overnight. (that deception is wrong by the way) Up until yesterday, I had labels. And they weren't positive ones either. They were the labels of the world and for the longest time, I allowed society to have the majority rule. Up until yesterday, I compared myself  to those who I thought were better than me. I compared to those whose labels I thought were better than those of my own. I labeled myself with negative, deceiving, and manipulated lies of the world every single day. THOSE LABES WERE AND ARE FAKE.

 

 

With what I am about to write, I am going to be honest with you. I am not going to sugar coat, or hide/leave out details.

 

 "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." (James 5:16)

 

  Up until yesterday, I gave myself the label of a sex addict. I would go out of my way to sleep with any guy that I could...and I didn't even know them. Disgusting, I know. Up until yesterday, I had the label as worthless and unloved . Because of my "small but large" addiction to sex, I believed the worldly lie that Christ could not love me. I told myself that because I was caught in sin, I was not forgiven.  That was a lie. I believed that I was worthless because how can someone who doesn't have their parents, no job, lives in a homeless shelter, and had a problem with sex, be considered as someone who has value? Who has self-worth? That was a lie as well.

 

God loves me. He loves me more than what I can ever imagine or comprehend! There are not enough words to describe this love that Christ has for me! There is no human, no earthly man, who can love me the way that Christ loves me! He won't allow someone to even try to love me as much as what He loves me, and its simply and indescribably because God is jealous for me! For me! Now wait a minute here...He can't possibly love someone like me? He can't still possibly love someone who has placed Him last in everything, had sex outside of marriage-not once, but four times! He can't love someone who didn't read her Bible or pray, or attend church for the right reasons. Can He? The answer is yes!

 

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."(John 3:16)

 

"Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends."(John 15:13) 

 

Yesterday, was the day that my heart found Christ. Yesterday, was the day, that my eyes were turned towards Jesus. I have been a Christian ever since I was little and I accepted Christ when I was fourteen and when I was 16, I was baptized for the first time since I was a baby. But let me tell you this...the feeling that I had yesterday, I have never felt the way that I did last night.

 

Last night, I was with Off The Wall Ministry for their weekly Thursday night community night. It is a night where 22+ young adults meet at the "guys house" in a small living room and just talk about God. God is the focus.  Anyway, when it came to worship, the lights were turned off and all you could see with a human eye were silhouettes of young adults, but what I saw, were silhouettes and the hearts of my brothers and sisters in Christ. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen! Seeing everyone with their heads bowed, hands raised, some were dancing, crying, and shouting...all to give praise to our Lord and King!

 

 

Words can not describe this feeling...

 

This feeling that I had, was simply freedom. I was free! What I felt last night, I have never felt before in my life. This feeling is so hard to put into words, but it was so powerful and moving! When we were praising and singing with hearts of worship, I immediately felt like it was just me and Him! Nobody else was in the dark room. I saw Jesus and I got an indescribable amount of warmth over me, I was sweating and I thought I was going to pass out because I was just so moved and so overwhelmed in the presence of God! I literally saw those chains and shackles that have held e captive for so long, and I saw Him BREAK THEM! I saw myself going to the cross and I saw rain. Not earthly rain, but the rain of His grace and His mercy and His love being poured down on me! I saw myself running into His arms because I have been set FREE! His presence literally took my breath away! I have never experienced such joy, such love, such emotion as what I did last night. Last night was the night that I was set free from the labels of the world! I no longer carry the label of a sex addict. I am no longer labeled as worthless or unloved, but worthy, loved, and a Child of God! I am free!

 

 

You don't have to live life with fake labels. You don't have to live in a life of darkness. Let God remove those labels and let Him give you the label as His Beloved. As His Bride. His Child. His one true love!

 

WHAT'S YOUR LABEL, AND WHO WILL REMOVE THEM?

 

 

 

I Deserve Nothing

"I’m 20 years old, I am a nursing major at a university, and I am single.
Many of my friends are married, and a few are starting to have children. And I feel as if I just graduated from high school again. You could say my life is in transition. And it’s true; I am in the middle of shifting myself from the frilly high school drama, to the adult non-drama world of college, but I’ve started to wonder about whether it’s right to refer to my singleness as an in-between stage. What exactly am I in-between again?

“It’s the first day of the rest of my life.” I recently heard someone on TV say this about her wedding day, and it really bothered me. While I don’t want to discount the gift of marriage, I must say I’m a bit confused and frustrated with this sentiment. I’ve heard the cliché before, but I suddenly felt the weight of it. As if it equates marriage as the start of life, or at least the good part.

Don’t misunderstand my frustration; I think there is a beautiful element of starting a new family with your spouse. I’m all for godly marriage. But what I’m afraid of is viewing life through the lens of marriage as the goal. For waiting to get married before life starts. I’m afraid, because I’m afraid it has happened to me. I’ve been living like I’m waiting for someone to get here. And it isn’t Jesus.

I’ve wasted my time, my energy, and my emotions on this concept that singleness is just a waiting room for a relationship. I’m tired of this view that my life begins when I wake up next to my husband, because I’m pretty sure my life began 20 years ago when my mom gave birth to me. And this mentality has robbed my joy.

As much as I’d like to place all the blame on Christian culture, the perpetual “Have you met anyone yet?” question the world asks me, and the reality that my Facebook feed looks more like a Pinterest wedding board these days, I am convicted of my own failures.

I’ve been living like God owes me something. Like he hasn’t held up his end of the deal. He has given me the desire for relationship and marriage, and he just hasn’t followed through.
I’ve been living under the impression that I deserve a relationship.

I’d be lying if I said Christian culture does much to inhibit this mentality. There seems to be a deep understanding and appreciation for the gift of marriage, but not so much for the gift of singleness (if it’s treated like a gift at all). Rather, singleness is something to be cured. Like I’ve got a disease, and introducing me to your single friend might perhaps cure us both. Singleness is the lump of coal, the gift that is never on your Christmas list.

There are at least a handful of us standing around, wondering what happened. (After all, I have been pretty nice this year.)

But it’s never been about being entitled, or even about being nice. I have to stop thinking that I’m doing something wrong here.
Well actually I am, but it isn’t about fixing something that will magically make a boyfriend appear. It is about changing the direction of my heart.

 “I’d rather have the right God than the wrong man.” –- Christen Rapske

 

People talk all the time about pursuing people or things for the wrong reasons, but maybe we pursue God for the wrong reasons. Maybe subconsciously I’ve been treating God like he’s a vending machine. And my pursuit of him has really been a pursuit of someone else.
When did Christ cease to be enough?

And when did I stop finding my identity, self-worth, and fulfillment in Him, only to place my life on hold for someone I’ve never even met?

Each day is a gift, and I’m not waiting for it to get here. It is present in every moment, and it begins anew daily.  Man-less or not, I want to wake up every morning and be excited because I get to spend my day with the God who created the universe.

And I want to do that for the rest of my life."