Prayer To My King

 "They mock you and they scowl at the sound of your name. They belittle your unending grace. They laugh at the sound of worship, and flee in the sense of uncomfort at the sight of your word, oh Lord."

I live in the corruption of world darkness, but I trust you, God. Forgive them, Lord, for they are lost and sentenced to a life in Hades and Hell without you in their lives. EMBRACE YOUR LIGHT AND GLORY!!  At times, I have fell away from you and your beauty, and replaced myself in the act of rebellious sin. Forgive me, Lord!

  Hear my cry! Be gracious to me, O Lord! Please see my affliction from those who hate me, because you, and only you can lift me up from the gates of death! I want and need to recount all your praises, that I may rejoice in the salvation that I have in you!

I am your child, and I will not let those who deny you, cast me away from you, Father! SEARCH MY HEART and TEST MY MIND! EXAMINE ME!! Make me yours, Father! Forgive me and hear my plea!

For you, my God, are Holy!

"Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come!"

 

 

Father! HEAR ME! Take my heart! Take all that I am! Take my life!!!! Take all of me Lord of hosts! I am yours! Make me new for I am your Bride and your Beloved, and you have called me by name! Worthy are you, my Lord and God.

 

Receive glory and honor, and power, for you created all things!!"

 

 

I love you my Lord!

 

 

 

 

AMEN

 

 



 



 

 



 

 

 



Joy Found Within

I'VE GOT JOY! DOWN IN MY HEART! DEEP, DEEP, DOWN IN MY HEART!!! 

 

 

 This is not going to be a super long post, but I just want to say that God has my heart this morning! (well all the time but you know what I mean!) Right now, at this very moment, my heart is leaping with joy, happiness, and peace, and I must say that it is a BEAUTIFUL feeling!

"Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls." (1 Peter 1:8-9)

This joy that I have is simply elegant, exquisite and beyond measures of complete beauty! I do not even know how to describe it to be honest with you! Ha! I look at that as a good thing!

All I can say is this....

Today I choose life. Every morning when I wake up I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain... To feel the freedom that comes from being able to continue to make mistakes and choices - today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity but embrace it.

LABELS and TRUTH BE TOLD



 



 

 

 

 

          Weird.... Garbage... Low-Life...Lonely. Loser.... Ugly...

          Disgusting... Fat... Freak... Wreck... Stupid...Worthless.

                Slow.....Dumb...Sinner...Lustful...Adultery...Cheater...Liar..

                  Shy...Manipulative...Selfish..

              Fake...Depressed...Bitter...Angry...Hateful...

                Prideful...Addict...Alcoholic...Afraid.

 

 

These are the labels. These are the lies that we call ourselves. These are the names that the world sees us as.

"Even with whatever people want to label me with, there are so many other sides to me."

(Wiz Khalifia)

 

 

 

 

 This is hard to believe and it will probably sound crazy, because we as humans, have this deception that when God changes people, He can't do it overnight. (that deception is wrong by the way) Up until yesterday, I had labels. And they weren't positive ones either. They were the labels of the world and for the longest time, I allowed society to have the majority rule. Up until yesterday, I compared myself  to those who I thought were better than me. I compared to those whose labels I thought were better than those of my own. I labeled myself with negative, deceiving, and manipulated lies of the world every single day. THOSE LABES WERE AND ARE FAKE.

 

 

With what I am about to write, I am going to be honest with you. I am not going to sugar coat, or hide/leave out details.

 

 "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." (James 5:16)

 

  Up until yesterday, I gave myself the label of a sex addict. I would go out of my way to sleep with any guy that I could...and I didn't even know them. Disgusting, I know. Up until yesterday, I had the label as worthless and unloved . Because of my "small but large" addiction to sex, I believed the worldly lie that Christ could not love me. I told myself that because I was caught in sin, I was not forgiven.  That was a lie. I believed that I was worthless because how can someone who doesn't have their parents, no job, lives in a homeless shelter, and had a problem with sex, be considered as someone who has value? Who has self-worth? That was a lie as well.

 

God loves me. He loves me more than what I can ever imagine or comprehend! There are not enough words to describe this love that Christ has for me! There is no human, no earthly man, who can love me the way that Christ loves me! He won't allow someone to even try to love me as much as what He loves me, and its simply and indescribably because God is jealous for me! For me! Now wait a minute here...He can't possibly love someone like me? He can't still possibly love someone who has placed Him last in everything, had sex outside of marriage-not once, but four times! He can't love someone who didn't read her Bible or pray, or attend church for the right reasons. Can He? The answer is yes!

 

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."(John 3:16)

 

"Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends."(John 15:13) 

 

Yesterday, was the day that my heart found Christ. Yesterday, was the day, that my eyes were turned towards Jesus. I have been a Christian ever since I was little and I accepted Christ when I was fourteen and when I was 16, I was baptized for the first time since I was a baby. But let me tell you this...the feeling that I had yesterday, I have never felt the way that I did last night.

 

Last night, I was with Off The Wall Ministry for their weekly Thursday night community night. It is a night where 22+ young adults meet at the "guys house" in a small living room and just talk about God. God is the focus.  Anyway, when it came to worship, the lights were turned off and all you could see with a human eye were silhouettes of young adults, but what I saw, were silhouettes and the hearts of my brothers and sisters in Christ. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen! Seeing everyone with their heads bowed, hands raised, some were dancing, crying, and shouting...all to give praise to our Lord and King!

 

 

Words can not describe this feeling...

 

This feeling that I had, was simply freedom. I was free! What I felt last night, I have never felt before in my life. This feeling is so hard to put into words, but it was so powerful and moving! When we were praising and singing with hearts of worship, I immediately felt like it was just me and Him! Nobody else was in the dark room. I saw Jesus and I got an indescribable amount of warmth over me, I was sweating and I thought I was going to pass out because I was just so moved and so overwhelmed in the presence of God! I literally saw those chains and shackles that have held e captive for so long, and I saw Him BREAK THEM! I saw myself going to the cross and I saw rain. Not earthly rain, but the rain of His grace and His mercy and His love being poured down on me! I saw myself running into His arms because I have been set FREE! His presence literally took my breath away! I have never experienced such joy, such love, such emotion as what I did last night. Last night was the night that I was set free from the labels of the world! I no longer carry the label of a sex addict. I am no longer labeled as worthless or unloved, but worthy, loved, and a Child of God! I am free!

 

 

You don't have to live life with fake labels. You don't have to live in a life of darkness. Let God remove those labels and let Him give you the label as His Beloved. As His Bride. His Child. His one true love!

 

WHAT'S YOUR LABEL, AND WHO WILL REMOVE THEM?

 

 

 

I Deserve Nothing

"I’m 20 years old, I am a nursing major at a university, and I am single.
Many of my friends are married, and a few are starting to have children. And I feel as if I just graduated from high school again. You could say my life is in transition. And it’s true; I am in the middle of shifting myself from the frilly high school drama, to the adult non-drama world of college, but I’ve started to wonder about whether it’s right to refer to my singleness as an in-between stage. What exactly am I in-between again?

“It’s the first day of the rest of my life.” I recently heard someone on TV say this about her wedding day, and it really bothered me. While I don’t want to discount the gift of marriage, I must say I’m a bit confused and frustrated with this sentiment. I’ve heard the cliché before, but I suddenly felt the weight of it. As if it equates marriage as the start of life, or at least the good part.

Don’t misunderstand my frustration; I think there is a beautiful element of starting a new family with your spouse. I’m all for godly marriage. But what I’m afraid of is viewing life through the lens of marriage as the goal. For waiting to get married before life starts. I’m afraid, because I’m afraid it has happened to me. I’ve been living like I’m waiting for someone to get here. And it isn’t Jesus.

I’ve wasted my time, my energy, and my emotions on this concept that singleness is just a waiting room for a relationship. I’m tired of this view that my life begins when I wake up next to my husband, because I’m pretty sure my life began 20 years ago when my mom gave birth to me. And this mentality has robbed my joy.

As much as I’d like to place all the blame on Christian culture, the perpetual “Have you met anyone yet?” question the world asks me, and the reality that my Facebook feed looks more like a Pinterest wedding board these days, I am convicted of my own failures.

I’ve been living like God owes me something. Like he hasn’t held up his end of the deal. He has given me the desire for relationship and marriage, and he just hasn’t followed through.
I’ve been living under the impression that I deserve a relationship.

I’d be lying if I said Christian culture does much to inhibit this mentality. There seems to be a deep understanding and appreciation for the gift of marriage, but not so much for the gift of singleness (if it’s treated like a gift at all). Rather, singleness is something to be cured. Like I’ve got a disease, and introducing me to your single friend might perhaps cure us both. Singleness is the lump of coal, the gift that is never on your Christmas list.

There are at least a handful of us standing around, wondering what happened. (After all, I have been pretty nice this year.)

But it’s never been about being entitled, or even about being nice. I have to stop thinking that I’m doing something wrong here.
Well actually I am, but it isn’t about fixing something that will magically make a boyfriend appear. It is about changing the direction of my heart.

 “I’d rather have the right God than the wrong man.” –- Christen Rapske

 

People talk all the time about pursuing people or things for the wrong reasons, but maybe we pursue God for the wrong reasons. Maybe subconsciously I’ve been treating God like he’s a vending machine. And my pursuit of him has really been a pursuit of someone else.
When did Christ cease to be enough?

And when did I stop finding my identity, self-worth, and fulfillment in Him, only to place my life on hold for someone I’ve never even met?

Each day is a gift, and I’m not waiting for it to get here. It is present in every moment, and it begins anew daily.  Man-less or not, I want to wake up every morning and be excited because I get to spend my day with the God who created the universe.

And I want to do that for the rest of my life."

There Must Be Something Wrong With Me

I do not understand what is happening to me. There must be something wrong with me. There has to be! 

All of these thoughts just rushing through my mind. All of the lust...the sexual desires...the idolizing. There must be something wrong with me. There has to be!

I live in a homeless shelter with lots of other people who are crazy just like me. There are days where I find myself hungry..hungry and thirsty for love and compassion. So I look for it in other things. Money, sex, school, friends, the internet, Facebook, Twitter, whatever. There must be something wrong with me. There has to be! 

Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I don't belong here. Maybe I should just back away from what I know is true and right. What is humble and righteous. Ugh! What am I talking about?! There must be something wrong with me! There has to be!

There must be something wrong with me. There has to be! 

There is definitely something wrong with me. I'm not okay. 

NOT AT ALL

The Secrets of Shadows

We all have shadows. They seem to follow us everywhere, even when we don't want them to. They linger in the dimly lit hallways, on the sidewalk on a rainy day, in water puddles, the mirror...and even farther down then what we can see with our naked eye....deep within our souls. Our shadows, define how we feel. How we act towards people, situations, and emotions. They leave a trace of questioning, as if they are afraid that they will get lost when they come back to us.

"I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me, And what can be the use of him is more than I can see."  -Robert Louis Stevenson

Throughout the past couple months, I have observed many shadows in the people that I have come in contact with. Of course, I have my own shadow, but I haven't paid much attention to it...I prefer not to. The shadows that I see within people, saddened me. I see the shadow of a homeless man or woman, who tells them that they will amount to nothing...that its over. They will never get out of rock bottom. I see the shadow of a woman who can't trust people because of an abusive boyfriend...but she still loves him. I see the shadow of a little girl, with blonde hair and blue eyes, who just wants to be a princess, but she can't because other shadows tell her she's ugly. She is beautiful. The other day, I saw the shadow of an Army Wife....her better half's shadow is fighting in another country, putting his life up in the shadow of death everyday....His shadow just wants to come home to his wife. I hear of stories of young girls' shadows forcing them to starve themselves to look like another crippled shadow of a pretty, but lonely, girl.

These are the shadows that nobody seems to know about. They stay hidden in the darkness of our souls, but haunt and follow us no matter where we end up going. We can run and go as far as we want to. We can fly to another country, move into another house, abandon family for isolation....but they are still with us. The shadows are still there. Haunting. Torturing. Abusing. Tearing us apart and ripping us from the inside-out, like a piece of paper going through a shredder. These are the shadows that we do not want to see. These are the shadows that, sadly, we allow to control and take over our innocent, yet harmful thoughts, and actions.

I have my shadows, but I see others more than what I see within myself. I find it disheartening to my soul...even my shadow cries and pray for these other shadows. For the ones that I don't even know who they belong to.

I have my shadows....what's yours?

No Less Than His Love

  There is something about sitting in coffee shops that just get to me! They get the best of me- and not in a bad way either. There is something about being in the environment of a place that smells like freshly brewed espresso and coffee, dimly lit lights, worship music playing throughout the whole place (yes people, I said worship music...IN A COFFEE SHOP!), hearing people talk and share about Christ and what He is doing in their lives. The sound of a hockey puck, being hit on every corner of the table as kids concentrate on where their next hit will take place. Talking to people who you never get a chance to actually talk to outside of Facebook, Twitter, and Kik. There is just something about it....

  As I am sitting here, God is making me realize a little bit about His love for me. As I sit here, in thought, there is a positive, overwhelming amount of peace deep within my heart. It is wonderful because this peace, is making me want nothing more but Jesus.

   Which makes me think of another thought...


 I WANT NOTHING MORE BUT JESUS! Only Jesus.

  Over this past year, so many of my friends have either gotten married or engaged, and as a matter of fact, I found out that one of my good friends got engaged, and well...here I am. Single. That one word that most women can't stand to say in a group of people and they get asked "Hello 'so and so'! Are you dating anyone?!" They respond back with their head tilted down "No. I'm SSSS...SSSIII....*whispers* single." Nobody wants to say that ONE word....SINGLE. Seeing all of my friends glow with that "pre-marriage" happiness and "puppy love" makes me want to be in a relationship even more. But here is the question that I keep asking myself "What makes me want to be married?" Is it due to the complete desire to be with that "special someone" based on God's will and His plan for me, if it's His plan, or am I just in love with the idea of the act of getting married? I mean after all, I have been waiting and planning my wedding ever since I was a little girl, so of course I WANT to be married. I want to be able to experience the feeling and the sight of seeing that man on one knee, pulling out a beautiful ring with probably some cheesy-romantic way to ask me for my hand in marriage...to the beautiful sight of seeing him at the end of the aisle, dressed in a tux, with his eyes shining with nerves and excitement to take me as his betrothed....but will that day ever happen?

I am twenty year olds and I hear "oh you got time!" every time I bring up the fact that I 'so desperately' want a handsome Romeo. The more I think about it and the more I think about my love for Christ compared to my love of the "desires" of my heart...by God's grace I am able to say that I am willing to be single the rest of my life because I have realized that there is no man, no human, who can love me with the complete and utmost, abounding, love that Christ has for me. This life is short, but the life in Heaven is for eternity. Nothing lasts forever...except for Christ's love for me and the love that I have for Him. As much as what I want to be in a relationship, engaged, married, or pregnant...I am okay with me being SINGLE.

I am worthy of love and affection. I am worthy because God loves me and sees me as a diamond-one of the most beautiful creations that He has made. I am worthy and I need nothing more but His love.

For I am His..and He is mine.