Hardest Goodbye...R.I.P KHRISTEN SNYDER

We're born, we live, we die. That is how life goes. It is a never ending cycle. To be honest with you, I am afraid of death. I know I am going to heaven, or at least that is my prayer, but I am more afraid of how it will happen.

Last night, I lost a good friend of mine from high school. Khristen and I were both in Early Childhood Education our Junior year and Teaching Professions our Senior Year. The thought of how her death happened, scares me and to a high degree-shocks me. She was driving...being as cautious as could be...next thing she knew, she was being hit on by someone who went left to center and hit her head on. Wasn't expecting it to happen. She wasn't expecting to die. But she did....

The feelings that I have right now as I write this continues to be sadness and shock. I am saddened as I remember all the good times that her and I had as we taught the sweet, little, 5 year olds to write their name and learn their ABC's. I am remembering her as the girl who shared a rotation with me at all the Elementary schools and would car pool together to get there. Her laugh and awesome smile that would always brighten your day no matter what was going on. No words can describe how I feel right now. None.

Honestly, I can't believe she's gone.

 

 

"Are You in Love?...NO!!! We're JUST Friends!"

"To define true love, would be to ruin it's purity, therefore, it has no definition.

There isn't an example even Shakespeare could describe."



 

 

             "malarie?! are you in love?........NO!!! WE'RE JUST FRIENDS!" i am not sure how many   times i have heard this but seriously...we are JUST friends! wait. you're probably wondering who i am talking about right? well keep reading and you will find out! 

i don't even know how to put these feelings into words. these emotions and the tremendous amount of joy that i have within me! Over the course of a week and a half, God introduced me to a man who is now a really good friend. being around him makes me happy and it is the type of happiness that i never thought i could find within myself or even deserve. when i am around him, i feel security and hope. i smile and laugh more than i have within the past two or three years! he is a man that has accepted me for me and expects nothing to change. compliments me and tells me that i look nice. you're probably thinking-man she has a wonderful boyfriend in her life....well if you are thinking that, you're wrong. he is not my boyfriend. we are not dating. we are simply friends.

JUST FRIENDS! 

we are the type of friends that through prayer and supplication, God is transforming us into something beautiful through the act of friendship. and honestly, being friends with this man, God has been able to change my heart to have understanding, knowledge, and care towards this man that God has placed in my life at this specific time. i have been finding myself in prayer for him and for God to change both of our hearts. we have talked about dating, but so far we are still JUST FRIENDS. and honestly, i am perfectly okay with that! 

        

      i am not sure what more to say, except that i am happy and i am thanking god for this man in my life, in this season that i am, and i wouldn't change it for anything in the world right now. i ask that you, the reader, would pray for the two of us as we seek Christ and His plans for us. whether we stay friends or move on to the next level, i ask that you pray that we will be guided by God and stay focused on Him throughout this friendship journey that we are on.

                                        THANKS FOR READING!!

 

"When God Writes Your Love Story"

  This past year, I have found myself, along with the depths of my heart to simply be in love. I have been longing to find that "special someone" who would wrap his arms around me, lend a shoulder to cry on, to laugh with, and spend time together, and of course, to one day say the heartfelt vows that would have us spend the rest our lives together as husband and wife. I have been telling myself "That certain guy is out there somewhere. Just gotta go fishing for him." Well...as much as I want to "fish" for him, I have realized that I can't. It's all up to God and His timing for when I start my "love life". Believe it or not, that realization came harder than what I wanted it to. I mean after all, here was this BIG REALITY, and yet in the midst of it, all of my friends were getting engaged and married-and to this day, they still are! As a matter of fact, I have a wedding to go to this afternoon!

 Up until a few short weeks ago, I would tell myself "Well maybe if I would lose thirty pounds or so, 'Mr. Right' will come along." -or- "All I have to do is put myself out there and go on these dating websites! Someone will surely become my boyfriend!!" Um...ya. Well those thoughts pretty much failed and.... *clears throat*.... were WRONG! Now as I think back and actually see what I am writing, I laugh. How silly, or in other words, absurd to think such thoughts. But...I'm human. I believe those thoughts come natural, especially for us women! However, another thought came to my mind "Am I letting God write my love story? Am I handing over that pen that I have been holding on to for so long?"

 Back in May, a dear friend of mine from New York, gave me a book titled "When God Writes Your Love Story" by Eric and Leslie Ludy. As much as I loved my friend as a sister in Christ, I took one look at the title and thought "I don't need to read this. I'm not even in a relationship." I took it anyway, and in the trunk of my car it went. It sat there for months on end...until last week. I was rummaging through my car, and I came across the book. I didn't pick it up right away, but instead tossed it to the side. Long story short, I ended up taking the book with me, along with a few other miscellanious  items I grabbed from my "junk trunk"....I started reading. 

 I'm not going to elaborate a whole lot about the book, simply because I encourage each of you who reads my blog, to go and get this book, because it will change your life! I am only on page 171 of 271, and I can honestly say, it has changed the way I look at relationships, dating, sexuality, romance, and more importantly, what it means to follow God rather than following the fake-love standards of this world. At the end of each chapter, Eric and Leslie challenge you in different aspects, and yesterday, as I was reading through the challenges, I came across the very last bullet point...to write a letter to my future husband. Now you're probably thinking "That's crazy! How can you write a letter to someone you don't even know yet?!" and that's okay if you're thinking that, because I did too! However; in this book, the Ludy's talk about how to live your life not only for Christ, but also for your future husband/wife. Live your life as if they are watching you, everywhere you go, and are able to see everything you do and hear everything you say. Ask yourself "If my future husband followed me around throughout my day, every day of my life, would he feel cherished and adored by me as I interact with others and the opposite sex? Would he feel loved by my actions or feel hurt that I am giving away what belongs to only my future husband.? "The secret to amazing romance is to begin practicing purity for your spouse and cherishing that person with your thoughts, actions, and words long before you even meet him or her." That is exactly how I will be living my life from now on. For Christ, and for the future man that He has planned for me. In my letter that I wrote to my "husband", I expressed my love for him and for Christ. Writing this letter, opened my eyes to see the areas in my life that I need to deeply be in prayer about. I am learning that I cannot love someone else, if I do not love myself for who God has made, nor can I love someone else when God is not the center of my life. I'm not saying that I don't place God in my life, but I do have a tendency to only allow Him in certain areas in my life. If He knocks on the doors of my heart, and if it's in a room that I don't want Him to enter, I fight with Him about it....but God always wins. I am not ready to "begin a journey toward marriage with my future husband until I learn to find my confidence, joy, and security first and foremost in Jesus Christ." Only when He is truly in first place am I ready for a God-written love story.  

  I am learning that God cares way too much about me to see me settle for a fake-love formula. He wants me to lean on Him and only Him for guidance and direction. He wants to be intimately involved in every detail and every step of the way of my life. "Only leaning on God alone and allowing Him to guide and direct every part of our existence will set the stage for a beautiful romance."  So if you are going to start living your life for Christ and for your future husband/wife, make sure that you place God in every aspect of your life. Give him the pen and let Him write your love story. 

 I have many more letters to write for my husband, and I can't wait to give them to him and say that this is God's love-story for both of us!

Missing Pieces...Breaking Heart

You know the saying "Your home is where you're heart is"? Well, lately, I have been wondering where my home is. I believe I can honestly say, after being home for two months, that Ohio is not where my heart is. I may have been born and raised here in this state, but I am at a point in my life where I can't call Ohio my home any longer.

 These past few days, I have realized that I have nothing here. Of course I have Christ, and I will always have Him no matter where I go, but what I mean is that I have nothing physically here anymore. I do not have a family who loves me the way that a family should. I do not have friends anymore because we have all gone our separate ways and have lived our own lives. Some of them are married/getting married, pregnant or already have kids of their own. And as far as my family goes, as of right now, there is no chance of reconciliation sadly. As much as what I want to fix things and to move forward with my parents and brother...I can't. "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink." How do I let them go, God?? I want to let them go and to move forward while still having love for them. Love without bitterness. Bless me Lord and give me peace through all of this. 

 Here on this earth, we are only here temporarily. This is our temporary home and Heaven is our home in eternity. That much, I believe, and I can not wait to go to Heaven. But while I am here on this earth, I know that my heart is breaking for not only more of God and more love for Him, but it is also breaking for the missing things that were once there but are no longer.

This is what I mean.... 

  I miss going to a church where I was involved with not just a church, but a church family. I miss my dear friend and "sister", Maria, who I spent most time with. I miss going to Dunkin Donuts with her or sitting in Coffee Culture laughing away at the most dumbest things possible! Talking about Christ with her and watching her grow in Him through those six months. What a journey we were on together as sisters in Christ! I miss my best friend Kelsey who was also at one point, my roommate and the disciple that God had placed in my life. Sharing serious thoughts and praying together in our bedrooms with tears falling from our face...puddles of tears. I miss singing together and trying to harmonize with each other, where in the end we hysterically failed miserably! I miss "Mama" and her southern accent. Hearing her say "Girlll!!! What are ya doing?! -or- "How are ya'll?!" (referring to us CC girls) Having her around to listen by giving an ear, smiling with me, trying so hard to understand what I was feeling. She treated me, and all of us, as her own kids. My heart misses the community of people. Oh Lord! My heart is breaking! Not only do I have pieces missing in my heart for you, but also for those who you have placed in my life. I want to go back Father. I need to see them...I need to see you through all of this. Jesus, grant me the favor of your face so I can somehow, find it within myself to mend this brokenness. But I know in reality, I can not mend anything that is broken, only by your glory, can things be fixed. Heal this brokenness Father. Heal me!! If it is in your will, please allow me to reconnect with them. Keep them safe, Lord. Another thing that I miss is the fact that I had accountability there. There were people in my life who held me accountable for everything that I did and said. I had mentors there. I miss them so much. At the time, when they would call me out on things that I did or said that were " not okay", I got mad at them, but now...I miss it. In a way, I realize that all of that "accountability" kept my eyes and my heart focused on Christ. They influenced my faith to grow in abundance, even when I, or them, couldn't see that growth, it happened. Here, in Ohio, I do not have that. I don't even a mentor or a person who is there for me to ask "Have I grown spiritually?". If I don't have someone (I have Christ) who I can physically ask, "Have I grown ____( fill in blank, etc; spiritually, fruitfully, in kindness, gentleness etc) then how in the world will I know if I am growing in Christ. I can't just think that I am growing, because those are the times that I'm not. It doesn't go the way of "I think, therefore I am." No...I need people in my life who can hold me accountable to the word of God. That's why God places people in our lives-to hold each other accountable. *Sigh* I don't know anymore.

I just want to go home...back to my temporary home of small town Batavia, New York. 

RADICAL

 I don't particularly enjoy being in uncomfortable positions, as I am sure, no other average human does either. This week I finally was able to get my hands on a devotional book that I have been wanting to read for the past six months that's called Radical by David Platt. 

 In Radical, David describes how to really go about being "radical" for Christ and how to live a "radical" life in Christ's name. It's all about "taking back your faith from the American dream." In this book, the cost of discipleship and the cost of nondiscipleship is expressed immensely. 

  
  How many of you find it hard to be obedient to Christ, -or- to even know when God is really talking to you and your not just being deceived by your own wants and thoughts? *raises hand* I know I struggle with that, actually both of them. As much as I don't want to admit that I struggle with obeying Christ, or knowing when He is talking to me, I know its a weakness that I have in my walk and relationship with Jesus. So...

  What does it mean to be radical? 

  Jesus was a radical and, hence, countercultural and, as Christians, we are to be radical and countercultural as well!  We are never to be satisfied with a status-quo that allows assorted social ills such as poverty, corruption in institutions, discrimination of any kind, or the creation of out-groups that are then demonized and discriminated against “in the name of God,” to go unchallenged. 

 As Christians, we are called upon to “…destroy arguments and every proud obstacle raised up against the knowledge of God, and we take every thought captive to obey Christ.” (2Corinthians 10:4-5)  These “proud obstacles” come from a variety of sources, some of which come from much of the organized Church itself, and much of these posts will reflect concerns and critiques of such obstacles that are felt to thwart God’s will for our lives and for His Church. To be “radical” denotes going to the “root” or origin. It doesn't mean to be crazy and wild and unstructural.

BEING RADICAL

 Could it be that you wear a T-shirt that says “Jesus is my homeboy”? or maybe it’s because you go to all the christian concerts that come to town. You know what it is and what that looks like! Along with all of your “Jesus Rocks” T-shirts and your vast ticket stub collection that proves you were at all them concerts at the Alive Fest or Kingdom Bound.Is this what it really means to be radical for the Lord? To have all the  memorabilia and outward appearances of being a Christian? But what if your actions don’t coincide with what you're portraying through your wardrobe? I mean, what if you're wearing your favorite “Jesus Rocks” T-shirt, yet you're going around talking and acting like the rest of the unbelieving world? What if one week you're lifting up holy hands with all of your church buddies at a HillSong or David Crowder Band concert and then next week, you are with all of your worldly friends banging your head at a KISS concert? What if people can see your “Jesus Saves” bumper sticker on your car, but do they see the “Save two dollars on your first shot at City Slickers Bar and Grill” coupon that is in your pocketbook?...
  In other words we can all portray something were really not. I can wear a police costume, does that make me a cop? Of course not!It’s not what we wear on our bodies or what we put on our cars or what we have in our homes that make us radical for Christ, it’s our obedience to Him and how we live our lives for Him that makes us RADICAL for Christ.

LIVE IT OUT.

LOVE THE LORD.

BE RADICAL.

 

 

Journal Entry 2013-07-24

   How can I escape these feelings and emotions that I have inside of me? All of these things are piling up and I have no idea how I can keep constraining them buried inside of my heavy heart. With all of these emotions I feel in a way that I am drowning. I'm constantly drowning in emotions, feelings, unanswered questions, pain...my life. "How God, can you continue to allow me to live in such a way that causes brokenness and heart-ache to my soul? I mean, is that considered selfish of me to ask such a thing? If so, please forgive me, but I can not help but to ask."

  What am I angry at? Oh that's right, I remember now....everything! I am mad at everything! I am angry at the fact that there are little kids starving in this world, but yet we spend over $100 on filet min yon like money grows on trees! I am angry that people only think of themselves and instead of praying and thanking God that they even exist! I am mad at the fact that the government says that they have passed a law to prevent abortion but yet, abortion still exists! Women can still have an abortion after so many days of being pregnant...whatever happened to saving lives?! Oh ya-we don't believe in that! Damn! I am mad at a lot of other things too, but the list goes on forever, there is no stopping point. I just want to understand these things...why can't I understand anything! Am I stupid or something?! Apparently!

Welcome to my story.

Down Too Deep

  There is too much noise around me. I hear people laughing and music blarring with the bass above its maximum level. I just want to go away. I want to travel deep down and never return back. I close my eyes and hold my breath as I slowly inch my way under the water. I hear nothing. Absolutely nothing. My eyes burn as I suddenly open them to see the bright and glowing light that crystalizes the chlorinized depths. My chest is hurting from holding my breath, but I do not want to come to the surface. I can't. It's too loud and its in a place that I don't want to be. My mind is racing as I just look into the bright, imaculating, pool light....I know I have to go up and get another dosage of oxygen.

      I kick my legs and move my arms. I can still see the light even though I haven't surfaced yet. What's happening? Where is the surface? The noise? The music? I can feel the tightness in my chest closing in and that is the sign that I have gone down too deep.