Tis the Season...In Amish Country

 If you are friends with me on Facebook, then you have probably seen my exciting post about starting a new job right here in Amish Country! Starting July 1st, 2013, I will be working at Schrock's Amish Farm in Berlin, in a Christmas store called, Tis the Season. I am so excited to start this new chapter in my life and walk with Christ!
 
  I mean, think about it! What an amazing opportunity it will be to work and serve the Amish/Mennonite community to show them Jesus' love for them! What's funny is, just a few days ago, I was starting to regret moving back to Ohio from New York. After all, I already miss my friends from NY, my church family at Northgate Free Methodist, the discipleship, community, and just the environment of Batavia itself; but for some reason, I knew that God placed me back here in small Amish country for a reason. Maybe it is to slowly start mending a relationship with my family, or to get myself back on my feet, or maybe its for someone else. God will and is going to use me wherever I'm at. He finds me where I'm at in life, and well here I am! Back in little ol Baltic, Ohio!

  I ask for prayer as I began another chapter with Christ, my King. I ask that you keep me in your prayers for wisdom and guidance as He starts working through my family. Allow His words be my words and please pray that I will be a light for His kingdom and not for my own fleshly selfishness. I thank you all for reading and I can't wait to see what God has in store! Take care and God Bless!

Sound of Music

 Here is a small little thing about me: I love music; I love everything about it!  I love the melody of the strumming of a guitar and the calming sound of a piano. Music says so much and honestly, I believe it speaks louder than words. It expresses something inside of us that we can't express with our own words...almost reminds me of the Glee characters, they sing about their problems. 

 Music is much more than just expressing how I feel, but music is also how I communicate with God. Some people communicate through praying or reading their Bible, but me-I sing. I give glory to God and I communicate with God through the sound of music. I sing to give Him praise. I hum to give Him praise. I play a guitar to give Him praise. Music is the way that I communicate to my God and King. 

Sing! Sing! Sing!

 And make music with the Heavens! 

We will shout your praise and lift high your name...

King Jesus! 

unknown

"Please don't say anything to anyone. This has to remain a secret."...."You're the only one that knows.".... "If you tell a soul and when I find out about it, you're dead!".... "Don't mess this up! Keep your mouth shut!".... "If you tell, it will be ugly, so its better to just stay beautiful."

These are the voices that have been playing in my mind for years and years. Through all of these years, I have kept quiet. Until now. I opened my mouth and it feels good knowing that I am not alone anymore. I have the people that I love in my life back...well most of them anyway. All because I finally told the truth...this whole time, this one thing, has held the key. A key to a new beginning and the key to healing.

I have years of hurt and emotional turmoil that is going on in my mind. So many questions. "Why?"..."What is going to happen when he finds out?"...."This is all my fault, if only I did this a certain way then it wouldn't have happened."... I don't know how to live my life without holding onto this. It feels so weird that someone knows my secret. I am not normal because of this one secret.

DAMN.

This secret that has remained unknown for so long has caused brokenness, hurt, despair, tears, hate, anger, everything. "Malarie, its all your fault!" "Stop it! It is not! I did nothing wrong!" "Yes you did! Just think, if you would have told them sooner, none of this would have happened!" "Leave me alone! I don't need you reminding me of what I did wrong! I know its my fault, even though people are telling me I didn't do anything. I want to believe them. But I know I did something wrong. I didn't listen."...I didn't listen. If only I listened.

I am entering into yet another world that has "UNKNOWN" written all over it. Here I go...deeper and deeper I will walk.

                            DAMN.....

 

I'M SCARED TO KNOW THE END RESULTS.

 

DAMN.

Change for the Better.

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

 Well...here I am. Sitting in a coffee shop with my friends here in Wetern New York and I am about to write about all of the changes that God is doing in my life. As I think through all of these changes, I have no idea where to start! Maybe that's a good thing... I guess we shall find out!


THE FIRST CHANGE happened about three weeks ago when I lost my job at Coffee Culture. As much time I have spent on trying to understand on why it happened or even how it happened, I can't. There is nothing inside of me that can comprehend why I lost my job, but I am looking at this as a blessing from God. Yes, being an associate at Coffee Culture (a.k.a CC) has had its ups and downs, but God has blessed me in so many ways that I will never in my life forget! I met the people who I consider my friends and my sisters. Such as my two sisters (in Christ) and best friends, Kelsey and Maria. God has allowed all three of us to grow and walk together in discipleship and in Christian unity. Working at CC has taught me the importance of community. Not just a community where there are people, or a great environment, but most importantly, a community where you can be yourself and talk about Christ without being worried on what others think. God has blessed me in many ways through Coffee Culture, much more than what I can even write about. I have met new friends through conversations among customers. I have seen the variety of different personalities of customers and my fellow employees through the frame of morning and evening, opening and closing shift.  It was incredible! But...in the midst of it all-God was there! I loved working at Coffee Culture, and I am sad to see it end but I am also happy to enter into a new chapter and season of my walk with Christ in wherever He leads me job wise.

 THE SECOND CHANGE happened yesterday! I received a text message from the family that I first lived with when I moved here to New York. The mom told me that I had a letter from Camp Buckeye that came in the mail. Now, let me remind you that I have been praying for this specific letter for the past three months, but also ever since I was fifteen when I first applied to serve at Camp. As I am driving to their house, my heart was racing, anticipating the anxiousness. The thought of whether or not I got the position...being told yes or no, made me all the more anxious and nervous (in a good way). I prayed the whole way there and when I got there and opened the letter...there it was! The medical forms, the background papers, what to bring and what not to bring list...all of which is only given if you are given the job or a camper! So...with all of that...I will be serving my King and the camp from June 22-June 28th. I am so happy to show others the love of Jesus and to be a disciple!

 SO WITH THE SECOND CHANGE comes the third change. OHIO! HERE I COME! That's right! I am moving back home! I have no idea where I will be living, but I am putting everything into God's hands and I trust and believe that I will be okay. He has never left me or forsaken me and I know He never will! As much as I love being in New York, God has given me peace with going back home and that is all that matters. When He calls us to go, we go. He is calling and I am going. I am so happy! There is no fear and no doubt and I love it! For the past three months, I have been praying that God would open doors for me to move back to Ohio somehow but I was leaving that all to Him and in His timing. 1 Thessalonians 5:17 says to pray without ceasing and that is exactly what I did! God is so good! He answered my prayer!
   Being here in New York, God has taught me so much! He has taught me how to love others more than myself, but place Christ first in everything. He has taught me the meaning of discipleship, community, and friendship. God has strengthened my heart for integrity to live for Him, have a heart of obedience, honesty, and loyalty. Discipline has been a huge thing in my daily lessons from God. I am not going to deny that I have growth to do, because I do! We all do! But I can say, that I am willing to do whatever it possibly takes to follow Christ every single day from here on out, for all the days of my life! I am a daughter of a high king, and I must do my duties of a follower of Him. I am beyond blessed to have had this opportunity to live in Western New York because I have met so many brothers and sisters in Christ, God has become my everything, and my faith is growing every single day!

 My prayer is that when I move back to Ohio, God will use me to bring glory to His name and to His kingdom. That I will not live for myself but for Him and only Him. I pray that my heart will be steadfast and consistent in His Word and His truth to disciple to others as Christ works through me. I believe now, that I am here for a reason, and that reason is for God and no other! I ask that you continue to pray for me, and my family as we begin the journey to mending our relationship. Please pray for strength and endurance as we come together as one to run the race. I do not know where my family stands with their relationship with Christ, but I ask that you pray for salvation, guidance, wisdom, peace and comfort as we all move forward. Also, please pray that God will bless me in the ministry that He is calling me to, whatever that looks like. Everything that I do, and everywhere that He places me, that is my ministry...His ministry, and I ask for prayer that God guides me on His path and can continue to disciple me through His word and others around me. Thank you!!!

God Bless and my God-given Ohio family...I will see you soon!!!

           

How He Loves

 How many of you have heard the song "How He Loves"?. As I am typing this blog, I am hearing the lyrics:

"He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy. 

When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
                                                                      And I realize just how beautiful You are 

                                                                         And how great Your affections are for me."

I can't stop thinking about how much His love is for us! Just think, His love for us, is so overflowing that He is jealous for us! He is jealous of us!! His love is like a hurricane! Think of a hurricane and how strong the winds and the rain is when a storm occurs, let alone a hurricane! And when it comes to His mercy and grace, we are so "flexible" and "bendable" like a tree. I picture God just blowing us to the point to where our leaves of "our tree" end up touching the ground because of the strength of His love and "wind". Its so unthinkable to me! To know that someone loves me with the same strength as a hurricane.

 I don't know where your relationships with Christ are. Maybe you don't even know this love that I am describing, but God loves you! He loves you like a hurricane and He has GREAT AFFECTIONS for YOU! Christ died for YOU!

"For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only son, that whosoever believes in Him, will not perish but have everlasting life."

~John 3:16~

 

 And for those reading, who have known, believed and loved Christ, whether that be for multiple years, or just a few months/weeks, ask yourself "Do I love God as much as He loves me?" When was the last time you said thank you for this hurricane love? Just something to think about.

 

THANKS FOR READING!! 





Silent Passion

  

    Have you ever asked yourself “what does God mean to me?” Have you ever stopped to think about it? Do you actually know what He means to you? As Christians, we should be in the word everyday…. How can we know what He means to us without actually knowing Him? We can’t, it’s impossible. Over the years I have grown in my faith and walk with Christ. I know what it takes to have a relationship with Him, and I know how it feels to be standing on the sidelines. The truth is, we can’t say what God truly means to us without having day-to-day conversations with Him.

  So what is my answer? God is everything to me… He’s my daddy, best friend, comforter, healer, and even my comedian. He is my energy, and He is the reason why I am not depressed, sad, dead, crazy, and a nobody. He is my number one soul mate. He is graceful, and everything that is holy and noble. He is the one I turn to in my most desperate times and in my best times. He is my every breath and my every hope. Do I sometimes let him down? Yes, but He is always there to pick me back up, and He is always willing to forgive me. I mess up every day, but He is there to wipe away my tears. How do I know this? I know this because I know Him and I spend every day in His word and meditate on what he says.

 Another thing is that I must be giving Him glory because He is right by my side when I need him. He helps me through everything. Even when I decide to do things my own way, he continues to stand next to me and welcomes me back with open arms...  He works with the paths we choose for ourselves. He uses our experiences as a key role in our ministry.He has given me this knowledge and wisdom that its so far been relatively serene and joy. God may exist in passion but I decide to stray from passion as it can lead to trouble and confusion and many other wants. Not saying its negative, it can just get flawed as it becomes overrated. I guess if you let it. Not at all saying God is flawed, either. Not that love just equates to passion, cause it doesn't. God=love. Everything that God is then that is love. Even those that don't believe in Him know what God can be if He were to be real in their souls and hearts. I rather be in a state of equanimity as it helps me to be diligent in whatever my goals are and in whatever I pursue.  God is my loud but silent passion.

Changes Within

  

  So many things, so many changes, have been occurring in my God-given life! Its crazy! But its a good kind of crazy! I would like to share with you everything God is changing, and teaching me. 

Change number one:  I am not perfect. I don't understand why we, as humans, Christians even, strive so hard to be perfect, when in reality, we will never reach that fleshly goal of ours. I guess I should say that I, recently, have been in that "status- quo" of trying to be perfect, trying to "fit in" with the culture of New York...with society and the world. You know, people say, you have to look this way, act this way, talk this way, eat this way, have this kind of career, make this much money, have this amount of children, don't do this and don't that! I mean, its deranged in a way to think that we live in a very strict and judgemental world. I, we, are NOT perfect, nor will we ever be. This makes me think of Ecclesiastes 7:20 that says

" Surely there is not a righteous man on earth who does good and never sins."

  No matter what...we will never be perfect! I will never be perfect. I am going to say things that I don't mean, spill things, have impure thoughts. I'm going to yell and have bitterness to some people. I'm sure my mind is going to judge others, even though I know that I have no room to judge others. I am going to do things that I will later on regret doing. I am going to make mistakes and so much more. But the one thing that I have to hold on to, is the promise that God will never leave me or forsake me and that because of His perfection, and because of His sacrifice, I have life. *Note to self: "Malarie, you are not here for YOU but to bring glory to God. You are here for HIM and ONLY HIM." 


Change number two: I am beautiful, NOT ugly. Ever since I was a "pre-teen", I used always struggled a lot with my body image and what I looked like on the outside.  I always thought I was fat and ugly. I treated my body (the temple of God) like crap. It was almost like my body was a door mat. I would wipe all the dirt and mud all over it, and eventually all that dirt buried me into a deep depression of feeling worthless. In school, I was made fun of. I hardly had any friends and I remember sitting by myself during lunch....but recently, God has reminded me that its not about the "beauty" on the outside that counts, its what is in the inside. And honestly, if I have Christ inside of me, than I am one gorgeous woman!!!! Not to brag or anything but I am beautiful! It shouldn't matter that I am not the thinnest one around, can wear a certain size in pants or shirts, or that I can't wear a bikini in the summer, what matters is my love and heart for Christ! And because Christ lives in me, I have no flaws, and I am beautiful...in EVERY SINGLE WAY! 

"You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you."

Song of Solomon 4:7

  Final change: I am His BELOVED!  On my right wrist, I have BELOVED as a tattoo. I will say this, that I will never get a tattoo unless it doesn't bring glory to God, express my love for Him, or allow me to remember the things that He has taught me at a certain time in my life. When I got that tattoo in December, I was going through a hard time with my own warfare, body image, depression even, as well as the thought of having to move and transition to life here in New York, when I told myself that I didn't know anything and I even doubted that God would provide for me when I got here. But, at the  same time, He was teaching me that I was His. That He would never let me go even though I had doubts, He never ceased to continue teaching me that He loved me and He still does! He always will! Recently, God is teaching me pretty much the same thing as before, but I understand it all so much more clearly! The fact that God looks at me as perfect and blameless through His eyes, is unthinkable to me! I will never understand why God chose to make me, or die on the cross for me, but He did! He found me as valuable and worthy enough to be given life! I am His daughter. His Bride. His BELOVED. That is the best name, and honor to have in life! 

" See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Beloved, we are God’s children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is"

1 John 3:1-2