Who Am I?

These past few days, I have really been reflecting on all that God has given me and blessed me with throughout my life and even now, here in New York. After all, He died for me, gave me life, loves me even though I am sinner, blessed me with a place to live, food to eat, amazing friends, confidence in who I am, a car, my job, and pretty much everything else that I have. Its not mine, its His. But this is the thing-who am I to be given such a wonderful life when in reality, I am a sinner. I hurt people's feelings, I say things that I shouldn't say most of the time, I sometimes act before I think. I'm selfish and ignorant. Sometimes, I act like I know everything, when I really don't. I pick fights with people and I make people mad. I cry and yell, ignore people, and sometimes even have a sense of hate towards others. So with all of that...Who am I to be given such a wonderful life when I take it for granted? Who am I to deserve all that I have in life? Who am I?


Growing up, I never understood what it meant to be a person of value. I mean after all, the people around me never treated me like I was worth something. Like I belonged in this world. I believed the lies that this world told me and I also believed that I was a nobody. That I was worthless. As I look back, because of those things and the fact that I am and was human, I isolated away from everyone and everything that was important to me, not only that, but I would constantly ask myself am I important? Was I important enough to continue living the the wonderful life that I was living, even though I thought it was hell on earth. Was I important to continue living??? Who was I living for?


It wasn't until four years ago when I found Christ and gave my heart and my life to Him, that I finally realized exactly who I was and exactly who I was living for. I learned that I was not, and am still not, here for myself, but for Christ. I learned that I am here to serve Him and to love others by showing Christ's love for them. I here to reproduce passionate disciples and to make disciples of Christ, with His guidance. I learned that He was beaten and tortured and to die on the cross for me, because He found me valuable. He saw me as being "worth it".

Now, when I ask myself who I am, I can remind myself that I am His and nobody else. I am His beloved, His bride, His princess, His daughter. I am everything to Him. That's who I am. That's who you are.

When Life Gives You Lemons

Some of you have heard the saying "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.", but what does that mean exactly? It means that when bad stuff happens, try to make the best of it. When sour things (lemons) happen to you, make them sweet (lemonade)! After today, and well, this week, I feel like I have made a ton of pitchers full of lemonade! There is a specific lemon that just seems to be making me very sour and its simply this: DRAMA!


   Honestly, I don't understand what the whole point of drama is. I mean, where does it get people, but crying middle school girls, gossip about people who you probably don't even know or barely know, and broken relationships and trust. I, however, people would say that I used to be the queen of drama, and now I HATE IT!!! I don't get it...at all!!! One of my close friends told me more than once, that drama just seems to follow me wherever I go, and today, I really believe that statement because it seems to be a fact. I feel like I have this "drama cloud" hovering over me and its just being filled with dramatic situations and waiting for that moment to pour down on me and just drench me!!! *UGH!!* I'm not trying to complain, but seriously-WHY THE DRAMA???!!!!  Its just dumb!!! This is how I view drama and how the world/society feeds off of drama....


EXHIBIT A: CINDERELLA 

 



It starts with her awful life with evil stepsisters, scrubbing the fireplace. Then she get an invitation to the ball! Things look up. Then the fairy godmother makes her a dress and a coach. Even better! Then she goes to the ball, and dances with the prince! This is great! But then it's midnight. She has to go. Oh no. Sadness. Back to her humdrum life scrubbing the fireplace. But it's not as bad as before, because she's had this encouraging experience. Then, the prince finds her, and the happiness factor is off the chart! Happily ever after. People LOVE that story! This story arc has been written a thousand times in a thousand tales. And because of it, people think their lives are supposed to be like this.



Exhibit B: DISASTER!!






 It's an ordinary day in an ordinary town. But something horrible happens! A child falls down a well! The whole town gathers to save her. Old grudges surface, but are belittled in the light of this tragedy. Rifts are bonded as people work together. The child is saved, and all is well. But notice it's a little better than it was before, now that this incident has brought them all closer together. Again...people think they have to live their lives based on that. WRONG!!!


EXHIBIT C: REALITY







Our lives drifts along with normal things happening. Some ups, some downs, but nothing to go down in history about. Nothing so fantastic or terrible that it'll be told for a thousand years. But because we grew up surrounded by big dramatic story arcs in books and movies, we think our lives are supposed to be filled with huge ups and downs! So people pretend there is drama where there is none.”
That's why people invent fights. That's why we're drawn to sports. That's why we act like everything that happens to us is such a big deal.
We're trying to make our life into a fairy tale. NOT POSSIBLE PEOPLE!!! Goodness!!!


DRAMA DOESN'T SOLVE ANYTHING!!! IT MAKES THINGS WORST!! ONLY GOD CAN MAKE THINGS RIGHT!! ITS NOT WORTH IT!!!
sorry about my rant but I was annoyed so I wanted to share my opinion!

THANKS FOR READING AND GOD BLESS!

 

Measured Inches-"The Story of a Queen and Her Peasant"

         My whole life, I have struggled with my weight. I have never been a size zero in pants or a small in shirts. In elementary school and throughout high school, I was the girl that would get made fun of  almost everyday, and would find myself hating every square inch of my body. I was "moo-ed" at by the people in my class, and I was always embarrassed to sit in desks. I would walk throughout my school day or when I was in public, "sucking in" my stomach to make me look "thinner". It never worked, but it made me feel better about myself. When I would be home, I would go to the bathroom, look in the mirror, and I would see my twin. Everything I did, she did. If I moved, she moved. She followed me everywhere. I hated her, every measured inch of who she was. I did not want to see her at all. Every time we saw each other in the bathroom at school, in the locker room, in my own bathroom at home, the reflection in the water, or anything that had a shine to it-I could not ignore her, no matter how hard I tried, because she was me. I was that girl. That fat, ugly, disgusting, blob, that took up space in the classroom. Who wore a size 18 in jeans by the time she was 15, who was never going to love herself for that person. I was the person who was not going to settle for being called "Malarie" but fatty instead.  Even though I hated her, who she was, and what she looked like, I listened to her. After all, she was the queen and I was her servant. 

THIS IS THE STORY OF THE QUEEN AND HER PEASANT

(there is no such thing as a "once upon a time" in this story)

(Queen Resembles= my conscious   Peasant Resembles=Me)

  * I, as her peasant, was entering the kingdom's school (reality= 7th grade) and I already hated it.  I went to the bathroom after lunch, looked in the mirror, and waited for my royal twin to appear. Not only was I waiting for her to appear, but I was waiting for a command. I was crying, mascara running down my face and my masquerade was falling off. Then...the royal queen appeared. "You look pathetic. Look at you! You are nothing! You're fat and ugly!!"  Her eyes move up and down as she studies my ragged appearance. " You should be ashamed of yourself!! You didn't have to eat those mashed potatoes for lunch. Now... just think of how much grease and how many calories you put inside this kingdom...my kingdom!!" I cried even harder than the moments before. She hated me and she was going to make my life miserable, and she was going to make me skinny and beautiful...no matter what it took. She looked at me with a stern face and said  "I have a command for you. One that I know will help you become beautiful and skinny. You have no option but to do it." The sternness of her voice sounded frightening...deep. "Walk away. Don't listen to her. You are perfect the way you are" something else inside me told me. I pondered for a moment.."Then again, she does know what's best. You don't want this queen of yours to ruin your life, do you? Trust her. She knows what will help you be the person that you want to be." I look up at my queen and say "Alright. What do you want me to do?" She claps her hands together. "Perfect!! Now, we must start this immediately. So as soon as I finish telling you this task, you must do it right away. Understood?" I nod my head yes and she continues "What you must do is walk into that stall, kneel on your knees, take your finger and shove it down your throat." I was a little scared to do this task of hers, but it couldn't hurt to at least try..or could it? "What will happen to me if I do it? What if I don't?" She looks at me with that same stern look from before and she says "If you do it, you will be thin! You will be beautiful and perfect! You will have a date for the homecoming by your freshmen year. People will notice you, they will forget how huge you were. And if you don't, well, you will be like this the rest of your life. You will grow up alone. Your dreams of becoming a wife and a mother will never happen, because after all, nobody wants to marry a cow."  

    

   After hearing her words, I knew she was right. I had to do it..it was the only way to happiness...to beauty. After agreeing with her, the queen disappeared as I walked towards the stall that was next to her royal throne (a.k.a-the mirror), and knelt down. The blue and white tiled floor was cold to the touch of my skin. I looked into the white porcelain bowl and I saw my reflection. For a moment, I saw the queen, but that didn't last long. There I was, looking into the water, looking into the round, fat face of mine. I closed my eyes and I raised my right hand to my mouth and stuck my finger in my throat. Nothing happened. Wait-what was supposed to happen? The queen never told me what would actually happen. I tried again and this time, I went a little farther, until it happened. It happened so quickly, I didn't even know what happened. I opened my eyes, and there below me, in the water, that was moments before clean, was the queens plan. It was my lunch. My heart began to race and my mind was spiraling in a whirlwind of thoughts as I flushed my new self-destructing life down the drain. As I got up from the floor, I smiled. My lunch was no longer inside of me. The calories didn't count because there was none in me to be even be counted. I was proud of myself.  I looked in the mirror again and the queen appeared. "Very good darling. I am proud of you. However, this task, is not a one- time thing, you must continue doing it every single day after you eat. If you stop doing this, you will gain more weight and then you will be right where are you now. This is the beginning to your new life, my dear. If you listen to me, everything is going to be okay. You will, in time, be beautiful. I know that is what you want and what you desire. I know everything about you. Listen to me, and everything is going to work out. Now, continue on and you will see me again. Sooner than you realize." I walked out of the bathroom and made my way towards my next class. Little did I know, that sooner came a whole lot quicker than what I thought. I saw the queen after every class, in my house, on my dinner plate, and even in the middle of the night when I would wake up to see myself in the porcelain bowl. Day after day, meal after meal, year after year, I saw the queen, that sat on her royal throne (remember, that's the mirror), for the next four years until I graduated.*

  Obviously, there is much more to this story, but I am not willing to describe details and go into depth, but I wanted to give you guys a partial of the story of who I was to who I am now. The queen resembled Satan. He was the queen. (i know Satan is a man, but in this story, he was a woman)  I listened to Satan and I allowed him to make my choices in that self destructing life. That was before I met Christ. It wasn't until my Senior year, that I realized that God was my King and I was not a queen, but His princess.  God opened my eyes to realizing that He made me for me, big or small, tall or short. He has shown me that He loves me no matter what I look like, no matter what I do, He is still going to be there and He will always be my King. Throughout the past year, I have learned to say no to Satan, and resist temptation to do harm to the temple of Christ. Are there days where I think about sticking my finger down my throat and throwing up, yes. But do I let it happen? No, because I know and I believe that God is greater and bigger than the temptations of Satan. After all, God is going to beat Satan's butt, when He comes back!!! I know I am not the smallest person around, I do not have a slim waist or wear a size  zero or a small in t-shirts. But I do know that I am beautiful in God's eyes and that is all that matters! I am ROYALTY. He is my KING and I am His Princess! 

 "Don't you know that your body is a sanctuary of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, you were bought at a price."  ~ 1 Corinthians 6:19~

*if you or anyone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, or is thinking about giving into the lies of the world and the lies of Satan, please know that God loves you. If you know someone, be there for them. Pray for them. Love them by showing them the love of Christ. They are more beautiful than any lie or any eating disorder will ever make them become!! They are His Beloved and so are you! 

THANKS FOR READING!!

 

The Life of a Snapshot

   I love pictures. Old pictures, black and white pictures, funny pictures, random pictures. Pictures that show expression and feelings...emotions. I love pictures because they resemble something. They symbolize a time that once was, but can never be lived again. No matter how hard someone tries, you cannot simply "re-take" the same exact picture, days after it has been shot. And here's why-its a memory. Memories can be both good and bad, but it is usually those that are good that we hold on to-just as we do with photographs and the numerous amounts of snapshots that are hung around our house and walls. Why, you may ask...well I shall tell you why...because pictures snapshots are memories that we want to hold on to forever, and because life is a memory...a mere memory of past photographs.
    Earlier, as I sat in my room to pre-write this blog, my part of the wall was full of past photographs, past memories, that once was reality, but now is just a reminiscence of of what used to be. As I looked at the wall that was covered with the numerous amounts of snapshots, I had flashbacks of every single picture that was tapped to the thick wall. I had the flashback of my graduation. I was standing with one of my best friends, Tonya, where we jammed out to Shania Twain's "Man-I Feel Like a Woman" on the way to the ceremony, two hours before the moment of the clicking noise of the camera. I also had the flashback of my best friend, Hope, who has been my friend for the past ten years. It was the day that I went to her nine year old brother's (at the time) pee-wee football game against Garaway. They won. It was also the night where I met her boyfriend for the first time, and now they have been together for almost two years. And then there was the one picture that I wish I had more of. It is the only picture where the two people who are no longer in my life, even though I wish they were. It was the only picture that I have of my parent's and I, together. I'm wearing my cap and gown from graduation, Dad is wearing his blue muscle shirt that he has had ever since I was little, and then my mom is standing to the left of me and she's smiling. I look just like her-or that's what people tell me. And even that picture, too, is nothing but a time that has been frozen in a 4x6 glass frame.
   I have learned over the span and experiences of my life, that things sometimes, never truly last a lifetime, including marriage and relationships, and in my case-family. But I have also learned that memories can last a lifetime if you allow them to, not just placed in a 4x6 or an 8x10 frame, but in your heart. After all-the heart is the greatest picture frame of all, you might as well fill it to the fullest with a lifetime of snapshots.

Life of "Being Bought at a Price"

  


    Happy Valentines Day to you all!! I hope your day is going amazingly well and that it is filled with the love of Christ, and the love that you have for others in your God-given life. Today, I have seem to be thinking of how much God truly loves me...loves all of us. I can't stop thinking about how one man can die for the sake of my life, for the sake that I can even live. Not just live as a person, but in reality, as a sinner. I am a sinner, I will always be a sinner, and yet, knowing that, Jesus still died for me, for all of us. I have also thought of ways that I can re-pay Him, and in all honesty, there is no way that I could nor will ever be able to repay Him for the pain, the abuse, the torture and the bruises, that He bore for me just so I would have life. The only thing that I can do is say "thank you", pray, study His word, and be obedient to Him and do what He asks of me as His daughter. 

  Right now, as I'm writing this blog, I have my Spotify on and the song "A Little Longer" by Brian and Jenn Johnson, is playing. What a powerful song that is so truthful. The lyrics are so overwhelming to my heartm because they remind me that there is nothing that I can do because I don't have to a single thing,I have to let everything go because nothing even matters, and I just have to stay with God and love Him with my whole heart.  


"What can I do for you
What can I bring to you
What kind of song would you like me to sing
'Cause I'll dance a dance for you
Pour out my love to you
What can I do for you beautiful king
'Cause I can't thank you enough
'Cause I can't thank you enough...

Then I hear you saying to me
Listen you, don't have to do a thing
Just simply be with me
and let those things go
'Cause they can wait another minute
Wait, this moment is too sweet
Would you please stay here here with me
And love on me a little longer"

   Romans 5:8-9 describes God's love for us by saying " But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, having been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from the wrath through Him." To put it this way, that was God's greatest way of saying "I Love You!" That certainty, that truth, that love of Christ, gives a perspective on all aspects of our lives. Such quality of love should not be given to people like us because we are malicious and destructive, but God LOVES US!!

There are five different types of love: Agape, Epithumia, Eros, Storge, and Phileo. God shows us the form of Agape love. Agape love is known as the love of choice, the love of serving with humility, the highest kind of love, the noblest kind of devotion. God chose to go through the torture and pain of being whipped 39 times on His back and all over His body, being spat on by the Roman soldiers, and people like us. The perfect expression of this sacrificial love on earth is the Lord Jesus Christ for He left heaven, came to earth, took on a human form, was spit on and mocked, was crowned with a crown of thorns, nailed to a cross, abused, and had a spear thrust into His side and yet through all this suffering, His agape love did not waver nor dissipate. He loved the church unto death and that is sacrificial love. This love, with the uncomplaining voice of the one who showed us this love, is what gave us life. 1 Corinthians 6:21 says "For you were bought at a price..." therefore meaning, we were bought at the price of God's blood and His sacrifice. 

All of these things remind me of how valuable we are, and yet, we still live and drown ourselves in the lies of Satan and sin..but God still loves us. Regardless of who we are, what sin we have done or will make, He still loves us. His love will always remain and will never fail. That love of His, will never run out on us. WOW!!! 

THANK YOU GOD FOR SENDING YOUR ONE AND ONLY SON TO DIE FOR US, SO WE COULD LIVE!! 

  

Life as a Disciple

Many, not all, people who hear the word "Disciple", usually think of those who were the first disciples way back when before dinosaurs roamed the earth. You know-thedisciples... What most (again, not all) people don't realize is that even though those specific disciples are way past gone, those men, walked with Jesus, talked to Jesus, listened to Jesus, and was taught by Jesus. Because of Jesus and these men, life transformed the way we are to live our lives. Jesus died on the cross and saved us from our sins. There is no possible way that we can physically, mentally, emotionally, thank Him for that, but we can live our lives for Him as a disciple. Let's take a look shall we? Jesus introduced those men as His disciples merely because He literally called them and told to basically stop everything that they were doing, give up everything, leave their families, wives, and children to FOLLOW Jesus and make disciples!! Matthew 4:19 says "And He said to them 'Follow me and I will make you fishers of men.'" Okay-hold up!! Imagine yourself Place yourself in Peter and Andrew's shoes. So there you are being "normal", living your day to day life, fishing for your family and out of nowhere, Jesus appears!! Ya-Jesus! Imagine Jesus standing literally, even possibly, five feet away from you! Your jaw drops and you find yourself speechless and there in front of you is the SON OF GOD, the SAVIOR, and HOLY GOD! Honestly, if I were them, I would have peed myself and then fainted at the sight of Him-wouldn't you?? That would be like you meeting Justin Beiber in today's world, except this is Jesus in front of you!! (Big difference for those of who you who are ill with the Beiber fever) So there you are and all of a sudden, with the incredible Godly voice that He has, He says to you "Hey!! Stop what you're doing, put down your fishing nets and follow me so I can make you fishers of men instead of those boring fish." I mean seriously!!...Could you imagine what Peter and Andrew were feeling?! I'm getting excited just reading and writing about it! So... Peter (Real name was Simon) and Andrew stopped what they were doing, dropped their nets, and followed Jesus and made disciples with Him, where they soon met James and John (who left their father, Zebedee in the boat alone to follow Jesus). So those men; Simon (a.k.a Peter), Andrew, James, and John, were the first disciples of Jesus Christ! Then came Matthew, Thomas, Phillip, etc. I could not imagine how those men felt, everyday as they got to hear Jesus preach, and walk beside Him everyday! What a feeling! Even though the first disciples are long gone, we can read and learn their journeys with Christ. The Bible says that if we abide in His word, we are His Disciples. (John 8:31) We are all called to live our lives for Christ and to REPRODUCE PASSIONATE DISCIPLES OF JESUS CHRIST! Are you a disciple??? Thanks for reading and God Bless!!

Life as a Coffee Girl

Life as a Barista can be challenging at times, but also joyful as well. My "Life as a Coffee Girl" story began just a few short weeks ago, here in the state of New York. However, I was a volunteer coffee girl at New Grounds Cafe in Walnut Creek, Ohio-which I loved and strongly recommend to all of you Ohioans out there! I am thankful for the opportunity that God has given me with the two best coffee job experiences that I could ever ask for! I wouldn't have this job if doors to experience at New Grounds wouldn't have opened....Thank you Jesus! Being a volunteer and an actual staff person/coffee girl, in two separate states is incredible, just because of everything that God has shown me, whether that be through listening to people, observations, conversations and even taking orders. I would like to you some of the God-given experiences that He has blessed me as I have begun my life as a so-called Coffee Girl. The other day, (I believe it was Wednesday), a guy came in the shop and he was wearing a black business suit with a red tie, had neatly groomed black hair, and was somewhat "medium" size for his height. Also I could tell that he wasn't originally from America due to his Asian appearance and lack of an English accent. I took his order that consisted of a medium dark roast coffee with light cream, three sugars, as well as a warm chocolate chip muffin. Throughout the process of him paying and waiting for his order, I asked him how he was doing and he started to tell me how he was from the Philippines and how he has never been to America, let alone see snow, as he described how anxious he was to see the snow we were expecting from a blizzard later that night. The man continued to talk after receiving his coffee and muffin and asked me if have always lived in New York. I explained to him how I was originally from Ohio and how I was excited to go home to visit friends and family. He told me that he will be in America, traveling all over the states for his job and how he wouldn't be able to see his family for close to two years!! I couldn't believe it-here I was, being selfish, talking about how I will be seeing my family and friends in less than a month, and he had to wait for two years to see them physically, instead of through a computer screen. We soon ended the conversation, and I told him that I would be praying for him and he said "Thank you and thank you for talking to me. I'm praying for you too." And he walked away and sat down at a booth. Twenty minutes later, he came back to the counter and handed me a piece of paper that said "Thank you for being there to talk to. The coffee and the muffin was excellent! Hope you have a wonderful and blessed night. Take care and God Bless." WOW! That's when it hit me how big of an impact one conversation can do in a person's life. I learned a lot about that man who wore his black business suit with a red tie as a professional. that was a moment where I met my brother-my brother in Christ. Another thing that God has blessed me with are the wonderful and outgoing people that I work with and who God is bringing into my life every time I put my "coffee girl" uniform on and walk through the doors of a place that is now becoming a second home to me here in New York. One person who God has allowed me to connect with so quickly, is my awesome supervisor, Kelsey. Kelsey is a girl who, in the two weeks of being a part of the working coffee world, has made a huge impact in my life and in my walk with Christ. The first night that I worked with her, we talked about how god worked in her life, as well as mine. She repeatedly gave me the reminder that God is good and that He knows the plans in our lives. Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." We also talked about how we have no control over our lives or anything that is in our lives, let lone of anything that is in our possession and reach. Everything we have is owned by God and God alone. Not ours. Kelsey and I are starting a friendship and once again, I met another sister in Christ, all of which is by the glory of God. Life as a Coffee Girl has been one of the most uplifting and joyous job I have had in a long time and I am so thankful for the things that God has shown me and will continue to show me as a coffee girl in Western New York. "Therefore, as have an opportunity, let us do good to all, especially to those who are of the household faith." Galations 6:10 THANKS FOR READING AND GOD BLESS!!