"When God Writes Your Love Story"

  This past year, I have found myself, along with the depths of my heart to simply be in love. I have been longing to find that "special someone" who would wrap his arms around me, lend a shoulder to cry on, to laugh with, and spend time together, and of course, to one day say the heartfelt vows that would have us spend the rest our lives together as husband and wife. I have been telling myself "That certain guy is out there somewhere. Just gotta go fishing for him." Well...as much as I want to "fish" for him, I have realized that I can't. It's all up to God and His timing for when I start my "love life". Believe it or not, that realization came harder than what I wanted it to. I mean after all, here was this BIG REALITY, and yet in the midst of it, all of my friends were getting engaged and married-and to this day, they still are! As a matter of fact, I have a wedding to go to this afternoon!

 Up until a few short weeks ago, I would tell myself "Well maybe if I would lose thirty pounds or so, 'Mr. Right' will come along." -or- "All I have to do is put myself out there and go on these dating websites! Someone will surely become my boyfriend!!" Um...ya. Well those thoughts pretty much failed and.... *clears throat*.... were WRONG! Now as I think back and actually see what I am writing, I laugh. How silly, or in other words, absurd to think such thoughts. But...I'm human. I believe those thoughts come natural, especially for us women! However, another thought came to my mind "Am I letting God write my love story? Am I handing over that pen that I have been holding on to for so long?"

 Back in May, a dear friend of mine from New York, gave me a book titled "When God Writes Your Love Story" by Eric and Leslie Ludy. As much as I loved my friend as a sister in Christ, I took one look at the title and thought "I don't need to read this. I'm not even in a relationship." I took it anyway, and in the trunk of my car it went. It sat there for months on end...until last week. I was rummaging through my car, and I came across the book. I didn't pick it up right away, but instead tossed it to the side. Long story short, I ended up taking the book with me, along with a few other miscellanious  items I grabbed from my "junk trunk"....I started reading. 

 I'm not going to elaborate a whole lot about the book, simply because I encourage each of you who reads my blog, to go and get this book, because it will change your life! I am only on page 171 of 271, and I can honestly say, it has changed the way I look at relationships, dating, sexuality, romance, and more importantly, what it means to follow God rather than following the fake-love standards of this world. At the end of each chapter, Eric and Leslie challenge you in different aspects, and yesterday, as I was reading through the challenges, I came across the very last bullet point...to write a letter to my future husband. Now you're probably thinking "That's crazy! How can you write a letter to someone you don't even know yet?!" and that's okay if you're thinking that, because I did too! However; in this book, the Ludy's talk about how to live your life not only for Christ, but also for your future husband/wife. Live your life as if they are watching you, everywhere you go, and are able to see everything you do and hear everything you say. Ask yourself "If my future husband followed me around throughout my day, every day of my life, would he feel cherished and adored by me as I interact with others and the opposite sex? Would he feel loved by my actions or feel hurt that I am giving away what belongs to only my future husband.? "The secret to amazing romance is to begin practicing purity for your spouse and cherishing that person with your thoughts, actions, and words long before you even meet him or her." That is exactly how I will be living my life from now on. For Christ, and for the future man that He has planned for me. In my letter that I wrote to my "husband", I expressed my love for him and for Christ. Writing this letter, opened my eyes to see the areas in my life that I need to deeply be in prayer about. I am learning that I cannot love someone else, if I do not love myself for who God has made, nor can I love someone else when God is not the center of my life. I'm not saying that I don't place God in my life, but I do have a tendency to only allow Him in certain areas in my life. If He knocks on the doors of my heart, and if it's in a room that I don't want Him to enter, I fight with Him about it....but God always wins. I am not ready to "begin a journey toward marriage with my future husband until I learn to find my confidence, joy, and security first and foremost in Jesus Christ." Only when He is truly in first place am I ready for a God-written love story.  

  I am learning that God cares way too much about me to see me settle for a fake-love formula. He wants me to lean on Him and only Him for guidance and direction. He wants to be intimately involved in every detail and every step of the way of my life. "Only leaning on God alone and allowing Him to guide and direct every part of our existence will set the stage for a beautiful romance."  So if you are going to start living your life for Christ and for your future husband/wife, make sure that you place God in every aspect of your life. Give him the pen and let Him write your love story. 

 I have many more letters to write for my husband, and I can't wait to give them to him and say that this is God's love-story for both of us!

Missing Pieces...Breaking Heart

You know the saying "Your home is where you're heart is"? Well, lately, I have been wondering where my home is. I believe I can honestly say, after being home for two months, that Ohio is not where my heart is. I may have been born and raised here in this state, but I am at a point in my life where I can't call Ohio my home any longer.

 These past few days, I have realized that I have nothing here. Of course I have Christ, and I will always have Him no matter where I go, but what I mean is that I have nothing physically here anymore. I do not have a family who loves me the way that a family should. I do not have friends anymore because we have all gone our separate ways and have lived our own lives. Some of them are married/getting married, pregnant or already have kids of their own. And as far as my family goes, as of right now, there is no chance of reconciliation sadly. As much as what I want to fix things and to move forward with my parents and brother...I can't. "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink." How do I let them go, God?? I want to let them go and to move forward while still having love for them. Love without bitterness. Bless me Lord and give me peace through all of this. 

 Here on this earth, we are only here temporarily. This is our temporary home and Heaven is our home in eternity. That much, I believe, and I can not wait to go to Heaven. But while I am here on this earth, I know that my heart is breaking for not only more of God and more love for Him, but it is also breaking for the missing things that were once there but are no longer.

This is what I mean.... 

  I miss going to a church where I was involved with not just a church, but a church family. I miss my dear friend and "sister", Maria, who I spent most time with. I miss going to Dunkin Donuts with her or sitting in Coffee Culture laughing away at the most dumbest things possible! Talking about Christ with her and watching her grow in Him through those six months. What a journey we were on together as sisters in Christ! I miss my best friend Kelsey who was also at one point, my roommate and the disciple that God had placed in my life. Sharing serious thoughts and praying together in our bedrooms with tears falling from our face...puddles of tears. I miss singing together and trying to harmonize with each other, where in the end we hysterically failed miserably! I miss "Mama" and her southern accent. Hearing her say "Girlll!!! What are ya doing?! -or- "How are ya'll?!" (referring to us CC girls) Having her around to listen by giving an ear, smiling with me, trying so hard to understand what I was feeling. She treated me, and all of us, as her own kids. My heart misses the community of people. Oh Lord! My heart is breaking! Not only do I have pieces missing in my heart for you, but also for those who you have placed in my life. I want to go back Father. I need to see them...I need to see you through all of this. Jesus, grant me the favor of your face so I can somehow, find it within myself to mend this brokenness. But I know in reality, I can not mend anything that is broken, only by your glory, can things be fixed. Heal this brokenness Father. Heal me!! If it is in your will, please allow me to reconnect with them. Keep them safe, Lord. Another thing that I miss is the fact that I had accountability there. There were people in my life who held me accountable for everything that I did and said. I had mentors there. I miss them so much. At the time, when they would call me out on things that I did or said that were " not okay", I got mad at them, but now...I miss it. In a way, I realize that all of that "accountability" kept my eyes and my heart focused on Christ. They influenced my faith to grow in abundance, even when I, or them, couldn't see that growth, it happened. Here, in Ohio, I do not have that. I don't even a mentor or a person who is there for me to ask "Have I grown spiritually?". If I don't have someone (I have Christ) who I can physically ask, "Have I grown ____( fill in blank, etc; spiritually, fruitfully, in kindness, gentleness etc) then how in the world will I know if I am growing in Christ. I can't just think that I am growing, because those are the times that I'm not. It doesn't go the way of "I think, therefore I am." No...I need people in my life who can hold me accountable to the word of God. That's why God places people in our lives-to hold each other accountable. *Sigh* I don't know anymore.

I just want to go home...back to my temporary home of small town Batavia, New York. 

RADICAL

 I don't particularly enjoy being in uncomfortable positions, as I am sure, no other average human does either. This week I finally was able to get my hands on a devotional book that I have been wanting to read for the past six months that's called Radical by David Platt. 

 In Radical, David describes how to really go about being "radical" for Christ and how to live a "radical" life in Christ's name. It's all about "taking back your faith from the American dream." In this book, the cost of discipleship and the cost of nondiscipleship is expressed immensely. 

  
  How many of you find it hard to be obedient to Christ, -or- to even know when God is really talking to you and your not just being deceived by your own wants and thoughts? *raises hand* I know I struggle with that, actually both of them. As much as I don't want to admit that I struggle with obeying Christ, or knowing when He is talking to me, I know its a weakness that I have in my walk and relationship with Jesus. So...

  What does it mean to be radical? 

  Jesus was a radical and, hence, countercultural and, as Christians, we are to be radical and countercultural as well!  We are never to be satisfied with a status-quo that allows assorted social ills such as poverty, corruption in institutions, discrimination of any kind, or the creation of out-groups that are then demonized and discriminated against “in the name of God,” to go unchallenged. 

 As Christians, we are called upon to “…destroy arguments and every proud obstacle raised up against the knowledge of God, and we take every thought captive to obey Christ.” (2Corinthians 10:4-5)  These “proud obstacles” come from a variety of sources, some of which come from much of the organized Church itself, and much of these posts will reflect concerns and critiques of such obstacles that are felt to thwart God’s will for our lives and for His Church. To be “radical” denotes going to the “root” or origin. It doesn't mean to be crazy and wild and unstructural.

BEING RADICAL

 Could it be that you wear a T-shirt that says “Jesus is my homeboy”? or maybe it’s because you go to all the christian concerts that come to town. You know what it is and what that looks like! Along with all of your “Jesus Rocks” T-shirts and your vast ticket stub collection that proves you were at all them concerts at the Alive Fest or Kingdom Bound.Is this what it really means to be radical for the Lord? To have all the  memorabilia and outward appearances of being a Christian? But what if your actions don’t coincide with what you're portraying through your wardrobe? I mean, what if you're wearing your favorite “Jesus Rocks” T-shirt, yet you're going around talking and acting like the rest of the unbelieving world? What if one week you're lifting up holy hands with all of your church buddies at a HillSong or David Crowder Band concert and then next week, you are with all of your worldly friends banging your head at a KISS concert? What if people can see your “Jesus Saves” bumper sticker on your car, but do they see the “Save two dollars on your first shot at City Slickers Bar and Grill” coupon that is in your pocketbook?...
  In other words we can all portray something were really not. I can wear a police costume, does that make me a cop? Of course not!It’s not what we wear on our bodies or what we put on our cars or what we have in our homes that make us radical for Christ, it’s our obedience to Him and how we live our lives for Him that makes us RADICAL for Christ.

LIVE IT OUT.

LOVE THE LORD.

BE RADICAL.

 

 

Journal Entry 2013-07-24

   How can I escape these feelings and emotions that I have inside of me? All of these things are piling up and I have no idea how I can keep constraining them buried inside of my heavy heart. With all of these emotions I feel in a way that I am drowning. I'm constantly drowning in emotions, feelings, unanswered questions, pain...my life. "How God, can you continue to allow me to live in such a way that causes brokenness and heart-ache to my soul? I mean, is that considered selfish of me to ask such a thing? If so, please forgive me, but I can not help but to ask."

  What am I angry at? Oh that's right, I remember now....everything! I am mad at everything! I am angry at the fact that there are little kids starving in this world, but yet we spend over $100 on filet min yon like money grows on trees! I am angry that people only think of themselves and instead of praying and thanking God that they even exist! I am mad at the fact that the government says that they have passed a law to prevent abortion but yet, abortion still exists! Women can still have an abortion after so many days of being pregnant...whatever happened to saving lives?! Oh ya-we don't believe in that! Damn! I am mad at a lot of other things too, but the list goes on forever, there is no stopping point. I just want to understand these things...why can't I understand anything! Am I stupid or something?! Apparently!

Welcome to my story.

Down Too Deep

  There is too much noise around me. I hear people laughing and music blarring with the bass above its maximum level. I just want to go away. I want to travel deep down and never return back. I close my eyes and hold my breath as I slowly inch my way under the water. I hear nothing. Absolutely nothing. My eyes burn as I suddenly open them to see the bright and glowing light that crystalizes the chlorinized depths. My chest is hurting from holding my breath, but I do not want to come to the surface. I can't. It's too loud and its in a place that I don't want to be. My mind is racing as I just look into the bright, imaculating, pool light....I know I have to go up and get another dosage of oxygen.

      I kick my legs and move my arms. I can still see the light even though I haven't surfaced yet. What's happening? Where is the surface? The noise? The music? I can feel the tightness in my chest closing in and that is the sign that I have gone down too deep.                                                                     

Deceived.

"I'm coming home! *sigh of relief* I can't believe it...I am finally coming home!"

  Imagine yourself as a little kid and your parents tell you that you are going to be leaving for Disneyland. Imagine all of that excitement that begins to build up on you as you picture yourself spinning on those tea-cups that go around and around, or standing beside Cinderella and Mickey Mouse in front of Kingdom Castle....

Got the picture????



 Well that is exactly how I felt that moment when someone I loved and had wanted back in my life, and have been praying to have back in my life, told me that I could finally come home. I was relieved and I  remember crying a thousand times, over and over with the never-ending flood of tears because I was finally going to be able to go home. To go back to the place that I grew up calling "home." Turns out, I was deceived.

  After fifteen years of hiding a secret from my family and from a lot of people, I finally say something to my mom. This whole time of not telling her, I wanted to tell her but I couldn't because I knew she nor my father would believe me due to my past history of lying. So..I kept quiet. But there was a time about a month and a half ago where I couldn't keep quiet any longer. I had to open that door of my heart and just spill it. All of it and hold nothing back. What in the world was I thinking?! That all of a sudden things would be okay and that I would be safe?! That I would finally have my mother, maybe even my own father and brother back in my life again because the puzzle pieces would finally fit of why I did everything in my past to deceive them?! I am assuming that that is exactly what my mind was telling me. Guess I didn't listen loud enough to my heart; or maybe I couldn't hear it because it wasn't beating loud or fast enough....

Damn it.

  Back-tracking now; so after I finally told my mother, the one who kept repeating over and over "let me be your mom" which very quickly, turned into the sound of a broken record, told me to come home and move back home with her and my dad, I immediately jumped on it. I packed all of my things in New York into my little white, 2001 chevy cavalier, said my good-byes to what I consider, my real family, and I left and made the 6 hour journey back into Ohio, which is supposedly the heart of the United States. I agreed with that because I was born and raised here and people say "home is where the heart is." (How ironic) Well the happy heart and somewhat mended heart that I was working on repairing with God by my side on the way home, rapidly became broken and dis-oriented....whatever.

 So when I finally got back, mom made excuse after excuse to not let me move in. "You need to give your dad a few days (he was in Canada at the time she told me to come back...he had no idea I was coming home) to let things 'soak in' and to put things together with what happend." -or- "Let me talk with your dad..don't come over to the house." This went on for about a week and a half. I even spent a whole week with a church family to give my mom and dad time, moreso my dad to understand what happened in my life. I gave him that respect. Well to make a long story short, the day that I was supposed to move in after a whole week of being told that I actually could and was just waiting for Dad to "calm down", my dad calls me and says "Malarie. You cannot live here. Just leave us alone." I told him that I hated him (which I don't hate him, but I hate the choices that he is making) So with all of that, here I am....Broken. Homeless. Alone. and in a state that I no longer want to be in. I miss New York. I want to go back. Maybe if I click my shoes three times I will somehow magically appear back in little Batavia, NY with my Coffee Culture friends and my church family. I don't think it's working. All of this wouldn't have happened if I wouldn't have opened my mouth to share my secret because my secrets led to me being....

DECEIVED.

Gratitude Journal

  

my gratitude journal

A few days ago, I was given, what is called a "Gratitude Journal" by a friend of mine. My friend is really good at giving "challenges" and when she handed me this gratitude journal, I knew it was a challenge. She told me that I had to write something that I am thankful for....every day. (-_-   Seriously..c'mon!) My mindset at the time was "Are you kidding me? What in the world do I have to be thankful for?!" Obviously that was the fleshly, selfish, and human side of me talking, because that side of me didn't want to take the challenge. However; the spiritual side of me was basically saying "Gimmie gimmie gimmie! A challenge!" I used to be a regular journalist in the past. I would write every chance that I had and well, that's one reason why I started this blog...but we all know how that's going! HA! Anyway...it has been almost a week since I have received and accepted this challenge and I must say that God has opened my eyes a lot to pin-pointing the things that my heart really are grateful for. It's unbelievable! 

The one thing that I am noticing is that I am starting to see a pattern in the things that I am thankful for and its PEOPLE. I can't even begin to tell you how many times a day I wrote in that journal about people that I have been encounter with that specific day. 

Here is a journal entry that I wrote about children on July 8, 2013......

Heavenly Father,

I thank you for the children that were at Bible School tonight. Just being able to constantly be around them and to teach them about your love is so captivating to my soul and heart. I receive joy in my heart when I see them smile, and my ears dance when I hear them laugh and sing praises to your name. They are beautiful, and oh, how you love the little children! Tonight reminded me of how it is okay to step out of my comfort zone and to be like a kid while worshiping you, because that is exactly who I am in you-a child of the one true King. I am your Beloved daughter and a child at heart. Thank you for making those children precious and beautiful within your image. Protect them Lord and guide them to become soldiers of you. In your name I pray...
 AMEN.

 I could go on and on about the things that I am thankful for that God has placed in my life, but I won't because I am learning that I do not need to share every single detail that is between me and God. So I give gratitude to you for reading this blog entry! Take care and God Bless!