Down Too Deep

  There is too much noise around me. I hear people laughing and music blarring with the bass above its maximum level. I just want to go away. I want to travel deep down and never return back. I close my eyes and hold my breath as I slowly inch my way under the water. I hear nothing. Absolutely nothing. My eyes burn as I suddenly open them to see the bright and glowing light that crystalizes the chlorinized depths. My chest is hurting from holding my breath, but I do not want to come to the surface. I can't. It's too loud and its in a place that I don't want to be. My mind is racing as I just look into the bright, imaculating, pool light....I know I have to go up and get another dosage of oxygen.

      I kick my legs and move my arms. I can still see the light even though I haven't surfaced yet. What's happening? Where is the surface? The noise? The music? I can feel the tightness in my chest closing in and that is the sign that I have gone down too deep.                                                                     

Deceived.

"I'm coming home! *sigh of relief* I can't believe it...I am finally coming home!"

  Imagine yourself as a little kid and your parents tell you that you are going to be leaving for Disneyland. Imagine all of that excitement that begins to build up on you as you picture yourself spinning on those tea-cups that go around and around, or standing beside Cinderella and Mickey Mouse in front of Kingdom Castle....

Got the picture????



 Well that is exactly how I felt that moment when someone I loved and had wanted back in my life, and have been praying to have back in my life, told me that I could finally come home. I was relieved and I  remember crying a thousand times, over and over with the never-ending flood of tears because I was finally going to be able to go home. To go back to the place that I grew up calling "home." Turns out, I was deceived.

  After fifteen years of hiding a secret from my family and from a lot of people, I finally say something to my mom. This whole time of not telling her, I wanted to tell her but I couldn't because I knew she nor my father would believe me due to my past history of lying. So..I kept quiet. But there was a time about a month and a half ago where I couldn't keep quiet any longer. I had to open that door of my heart and just spill it. All of it and hold nothing back. What in the world was I thinking?! That all of a sudden things would be okay and that I would be safe?! That I would finally have my mother, maybe even my own father and brother back in my life again because the puzzle pieces would finally fit of why I did everything in my past to deceive them?! I am assuming that that is exactly what my mind was telling me. Guess I didn't listen loud enough to my heart; or maybe I couldn't hear it because it wasn't beating loud or fast enough....

Damn it.

  Back-tracking now; so after I finally told my mother, the one who kept repeating over and over "let me be your mom" which very quickly, turned into the sound of a broken record, told me to come home and move back home with her and my dad, I immediately jumped on it. I packed all of my things in New York into my little white, 2001 chevy cavalier, said my good-byes to what I consider, my real family, and I left and made the 6 hour journey back into Ohio, which is supposedly the heart of the United States. I agreed with that because I was born and raised here and people say "home is where the heart is." (How ironic) Well the happy heart and somewhat mended heart that I was working on repairing with God by my side on the way home, rapidly became broken and dis-oriented....whatever.

 So when I finally got back, mom made excuse after excuse to not let me move in. "You need to give your dad a few days (he was in Canada at the time she told me to come back...he had no idea I was coming home) to let things 'soak in' and to put things together with what happend." -or- "Let me talk with your dad..don't come over to the house." This went on for about a week and a half. I even spent a whole week with a church family to give my mom and dad time, moreso my dad to understand what happened in my life. I gave him that respect. Well to make a long story short, the day that I was supposed to move in after a whole week of being told that I actually could and was just waiting for Dad to "calm down", my dad calls me and says "Malarie. You cannot live here. Just leave us alone." I told him that I hated him (which I don't hate him, but I hate the choices that he is making) So with all of that, here I am....Broken. Homeless. Alone. and in a state that I no longer want to be in. I miss New York. I want to go back. Maybe if I click my shoes three times I will somehow magically appear back in little Batavia, NY with my Coffee Culture friends and my church family. I don't think it's working. All of this wouldn't have happened if I wouldn't have opened my mouth to share my secret because my secrets led to me being....

DECEIVED.

Gratitude Journal

  

my gratitude journal

A few days ago, I was given, what is called a "Gratitude Journal" by a friend of mine. My friend is really good at giving "challenges" and when she handed me this gratitude journal, I knew it was a challenge. She told me that I had to write something that I am thankful for....every day. (-_-   Seriously..c'mon!) My mindset at the time was "Are you kidding me? What in the world do I have to be thankful for?!" Obviously that was the fleshly, selfish, and human side of me talking, because that side of me didn't want to take the challenge. However; the spiritual side of me was basically saying "Gimmie gimmie gimmie! A challenge!" I used to be a regular journalist in the past. I would write every chance that I had and well, that's one reason why I started this blog...but we all know how that's going! HA! Anyway...it has been almost a week since I have received and accepted this challenge and I must say that God has opened my eyes a lot to pin-pointing the things that my heart really are grateful for. It's unbelievable! 

The one thing that I am noticing is that I am starting to see a pattern in the things that I am thankful for and its PEOPLE. I can't even begin to tell you how many times a day I wrote in that journal about people that I have been encounter with that specific day. 

Here is a journal entry that I wrote about children on July 8, 2013......

Heavenly Father,

I thank you for the children that were at Bible School tonight. Just being able to constantly be around them and to teach them about your love is so captivating to my soul and heart. I receive joy in my heart when I see them smile, and my ears dance when I hear them laugh and sing praises to your name. They are beautiful, and oh, how you love the little children! Tonight reminded me of how it is okay to step out of my comfort zone and to be like a kid while worshiping you, because that is exactly who I am in you-a child of the one true King. I am your Beloved daughter and a child at heart. Thank you for making those children precious and beautiful within your image. Protect them Lord and guide them to become soldiers of you. In your name I pray...
 AMEN.

 I could go on and on about the things that I am thankful for that God has placed in my life, but I won't because I am learning that I do not need to share every single detail that is between me and God. So I give gratitude to you for reading this blog entry! Take care and God Bless!

Tis the Season...In Amish Country

 If you are friends with me on Facebook, then you have probably seen my exciting post about starting a new job right here in Amish Country! Starting July 1st, 2013, I will be working at Schrock's Amish Farm in Berlin, in a Christmas store called, Tis the Season. I am so excited to start this new chapter in my life and walk with Christ!
 
  I mean, think about it! What an amazing opportunity it will be to work and serve the Amish/Mennonite community to show them Jesus' love for them! What's funny is, just a few days ago, I was starting to regret moving back to Ohio from New York. After all, I already miss my friends from NY, my church family at Northgate Free Methodist, the discipleship, community, and just the environment of Batavia itself; but for some reason, I knew that God placed me back here in small Amish country for a reason. Maybe it is to slowly start mending a relationship with my family, or to get myself back on my feet, or maybe its for someone else. God will and is going to use me wherever I'm at. He finds me where I'm at in life, and well here I am! Back in little ol Baltic, Ohio!

  I ask for prayer as I began another chapter with Christ, my King. I ask that you keep me in your prayers for wisdom and guidance as He starts working through my family. Allow His words be my words and please pray that I will be a light for His kingdom and not for my own fleshly selfishness. I thank you all for reading and I can't wait to see what God has in store! Take care and God Bless!

Sound of Music

 Here is a small little thing about me: I love music; I love everything about it!  I love the melody of the strumming of a guitar and the calming sound of a piano. Music says so much and honestly, I believe it speaks louder than words. It expresses something inside of us that we can't express with our own words...almost reminds me of the Glee characters, they sing about their problems. 

 Music is much more than just expressing how I feel, but music is also how I communicate with God. Some people communicate through praying or reading their Bible, but me-I sing. I give glory to God and I communicate with God through the sound of music. I sing to give Him praise. I hum to give Him praise. I play a guitar to give Him praise. Music is the way that I communicate to my God and King. 

Sing! Sing! Sing!

 And make music with the Heavens! 

We will shout your praise and lift high your name...

King Jesus! 

unknown

"Please don't say anything to anyone. This has to remain a secret."...."You're the only one that knows.".... "If you tell a soul and when I find out about it, you're dead!".... "Don't mess this up! Keep your mouth shut!".... "If you tell, it will be ugly, so its better to just stay beautiful."

These are the voices that have been playing in my mind for years and years. Through all of these years, I have kept quiet. Until now. I opened my mouth and it feels good knowing that I am not alone anymore. I have the people that I love in my life back...well most of them anyway. All because I finally told the truth...this whole time, this one thing, has held the key. A key to a new beginning and the key to healing.

I have years of hurt and emotional turmoil that is going on in my mind. So many questions. "Why?"..."What is going to happen when he finds out?"...."This is all my fault, if only I did this a certain way then it wouldn't have happened."... I don't know how to live my life without holding onto this. It feels so weird that someone knows my secret. I am not normal because of this one secret.

DAMN.

This secret that has remained unknown for so long has caused brokenness, hurt, despair, tears, hate, anger, everything. "Malarie, its all your fault!" "Stop it! It is not! I did nothing wrong!" "Yes you did! Just think, if you would have told them sooner, none of this would have happened!" "Leave me alone! I don't need you reminding me of what I did wrong! I know its my fault, even though people are telling me I didn't do anything. I want to believe them. But I know I did something wrong. I didn't listen."...I didn't listen. If only I listened.

I am entering into yet another world that has "UNKNOWN" written all over it. Here I go...deeper and deeper I will walk.

                            DAMN.....

 

I'M SCARED TO KNOW THE END RESULTS.

 

DAMN.

Change for the Better.

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

 Well...here I am. Sitting in a coffee shop with my friends here in Wetern New York and I am about to write about all of the changes that God is doing in my life. As I think through all of these changes, I have no idea where to start! Maybe that's a good thing... I guess we shall find out!


THE FIRST CHANGE happened about three weeks ago when I lost my job at Coffee Culture. As much time I have spent on trying to understand on why it happened or even how it happened, I can't. There is nothing inside of me that can comprehend why I lost my job, but I am looking at this as a blessing from God. Yes, being an associate at Coffee Culture (a.k.a CC) has had its ups and downs, but God has blessed me in so many ways that I will never in my life forget! I met the people who I consider my friends and my sisters. Such as my two sisters (in Christ) and best friends, Kelsey and Maria. God has allowed all three of us to grow and walk together in discipleship and in Christian unity. Working at CC has taught me the importance of community. Not just a community where there are people, or a great environment, but most importantly, a community where you can be yourself and talk about Christ without being worried on what others think. God has blessed me in many ways through Coffee Culture, much more than what I can even write about. I have met new friends through conversations among customers. I have seen the variety of different personalities of customers and my fellow employees through the frame of morning and evening, opening and closing shift.  It was incredible! But...in the midst of it all-God was there! I loved working at Coffee Culture, and I am sad to see it end but I am also happy to enter into a new chapter and season of my walk with Christ in wherever He leads me job wise.

 THE SECOND CHANGE happened yesterday! I received a text message from the family that I first lived with when I moved here to New York. The mom told me that I had a letter from Camp Buckeye that came in the mail. Now, let me remind you that I have been praying for this specific letter for the past three months, but also ever since I was fifteen when I first applied to serve at Camp. As I am driving to their house, my heart was racing, anticipating the anxiousness. The thought of whether or not I got the position...being told yes or no, made me all the more anxious and nervous (in a good way). I prayed the whole way there and when I got there and opened the letter...there it was! The medical forms, the background papers, what to bring and what not to bring list...all of which is only given if you are given the job or a camper! So...with all of that...I will be serving my King and the camp from June 22-June 28th. I am so happy to show others the love of Jesus and to be a disciple!

 SO WITH THE SECOND CHANGE comes the third change. OHIO! HERE I COME! That's right! I am moving back home! I have no idea where I will be living, but I am putting everything into God's hands and I trust and believe that I will be okay. He has never left me or forsaken me and I know He never will! As much as I love being in New York, God has given me peace with going back home and that is all that matters. When He calls us to go, we go. He is calling and I am going. I am so happy! There is no fear and no doubt and I love it! For the past three months, I have been praying that God would open doors for me to move back to Ohio somehow but I was leaving that all to Him and in His timing. 1 Thessalonians 5:17 says to pray without ceasing and that is exactly what I did! God is so good! He answered my prayer!
   Being here in New York, God has taught me so much! He has taught me how to love others more than myself, but place Christ first in everything. He has taught me the meaning of discipleship, community, and friendship. God has strengthened my heart for integrity to live for Him, have a heart of obedience, honesty, and loyalty. Discipline has been a huge thing in my daily lessons from God. I am not going to deny that I have growth to do, because I do! We all do! But I can say, that I am willing to do whatever it possibly takes to follow Christ every single day from here on out, for all the days of my life! I am a daughter of a high king, and I must do my duties of a follower of Him. I am beyond blessed to have had this opportunity to live in Western New York because I have met so many brothers and sisters in Christ, God has become my everything, and my faith is growing every single day!

 My prayer is that when I move back to Ohio, God will use me to bring glory to His name and to His kingdom. That I will not live for myself but for Him and only Him. I pray that my heart will be steadfast and consistent in His Word and His truth to disciple to others as Christ works through me. I believe now, that I am here for a reason, and that reason is for God and no other! I ask that you continue to pray for me, and my family as we begin the journey to mending our relationship. Please pray for strength and endurance as we come together as one to run the race. I do not know where my family stands with their relationship with Christ, but I ask that you pray for salvation, guidance, wisdom, peace and comfort as we all move forward. Also, please pray that God will bless me in the ministry that He is calling me to, whatever that looks like. Everything that I do, and everywhere that He places me, that is my ministry...His ministry, and I ask for prayer that God guides me on His path and can continue to disciple me through His word and others around me. Thank you!!!

God Bless and my God-given Ohio family...I will see you soon!!!