How does one person know if they, themselves, feel burdened? I must admit that ever since camp ended, life has been extremely challenging and hard. I can't seem to focus anymore. My heart, I am finding, is heavy with conviction, shame, remorse, anger, sadness, and everything else in between. I mean, don't get me wrong-I have my moments and sometimes even days, where happiness and joy realm within my heart. I am a person who has those things that "shine" when I am around other people, but deep down, when I find myself to be alone, those amazing feelings seem to disappear. Vanish into thin air.
Well, let me just say that...I am tired.
Over the course of the past month and a half, I have been fighting a sickness. The doctors don't really know what is wrong, and yet I am still finding myself to be sick. Throwing up, nausea, dizziness, fainting, fast heart beat, temporary numbness in my legs, chest pain, headaches, and sometimes (this has only happened twice) my vision becomes blurry. As a previous nursing student who has taken some courses regarding the medical field, I thought these symptoms were just plain anxiety. I mean, I have a TON of stuff on my plate. More than what I feel I can handle..but God never gives us anything that we can't handle, right? With all of these symptoms, I find myself being agitated, irritable, angry, impatient. Today, I was placed on a heart monitor for twenty-four hours. The doctors will be able to see my rhythm of my heart beat and depending on what the results are, I may have to wear it longer. Its hard for me to face this reality. I mean its obvious that its plain to see that I don't have it together, but yet this just constantly keeps going. I just want it to stop, but every time I get impatient or ask God what is wrong with me, its as if He is saying "wait, my child. Be patient." Well, fleshly, and quite frankly, I find myself telling Him that I don't want to be patient. I can't be patient. I want to know what is happening to my body.
I want to know because truth is...I'm scared.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Freedom in a Hurricane of Love
"Amazing grace how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me" were the lyrics that danced through my mind as I woke up this morning. When I awoke, my heart was completely focused on the love that Christ has for me. The reality and truth hit me hard..the truth that I was "once lost, but now am found" seemed to overwhelm my heart. My heart that was once hardened and chained to the sins of the world, anger, manipulations and addictions have finally been set free.
My whole life, I have always wanted to know what it felt like to be free. I never understood the meaning, or the depths of that ONE word. The word freedom would dance and roll off my tongue so strongly, that it gave me chills to just think about something so incredible and powerful. To think of something that I thought I would never gain access too all because of my so called "problems". I have always wanted to be free.
Being a twenty-one year old woman, I can now say that I have found hope, joy, and peace in the midst of my trials and circumstances...the good, the bad, and the ugly ones. I have found the root of pure love from the depths of Christ's heart. His compassion for me is strong. "He loves like a hurricane, and I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory.'' And it in these moments of complete awe and stillness, that I have realized just how beautiful God is and "how great His reflection", His jealousy, is for me. For me! I am a sinner, and God has found me and "fearfully and wonderfully He has made me according to His image! The love and compassion that my Jesus has for me can not compare to anything else in this world. And regardless of where I have once lived, lost and corrupted .by the sins of this world, never once did He leave me on my own. Never once did I ever walk alone. Because as the song says "You are faithful, God. You are faithful."
I have come to realize and accept the fact that God is faithful. That His promises and His plans for me, are for my own good. I find that promise scripted in the book of Jeremiah 29:11, as it says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Sometimes, our plans that we make for our lives are different from the plan that Christ has for us. I have realized that I can not control my life or what happens to me. My life is not my life to live. Its God's life that He has planned for me and He has chosen me to live it. And the plans that Christ has planned for me, may be things that I don't want to do. He may call me to another country (or state) that is 4,000 some miles away from my "comfort zone". He may have planned for me to marry some amazing guy who loves Christ just as much as I do, or He may not have me get married at all in life. His plans for me may entitle me giving up everything I possibly have in order to serve Him;whatever that may look like. We don't know the plans that He has for us, nor do I know the plans He has for me, but I can cling to the promise that those plans are not meant to harm me but they are meant to give me hope and a future. And with that promise, I have found freedom.
My whole life, I have always wanted to know what it felt like to be free. I never understood the meaning, or the depths of that ONE word. The word freedom would dance and roll off my tongue so strongly, that it gave me chills to just think about something so incredible and powerful. To think of something that I thought I would never gain access too all because of my so called "problems". I have always wanted to be free.
Being a twenty-one year old woman, I can now say that I have found hope, joy, and peace in the midst of my trials and circumstances...the good, the bad, and the ugly ones. I have found the root of pure love from the depths of Christ's heart. His compassion for me is strong. "He loves like a hurricane, and I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory.'' And it in these moments of complete awe and stillness, that I have realized just how beautiful God is and "how great His reflection", His jealousy, is for me. For me! I am a sinner, and God has found me and "fearfully and wonderfully He has made me according to His image! The love and compassion that my Jesus has for me can not compare to anything else in this world. And regardless of where I have once lived, lost and corrupted .by the sins of this world, never once did He leave me on my own. Never once did I ever walk alone. Because as the song says "You are faithful, God. You are faithful."
I have come to realize and accept the fact that God is faithful. That His promises and His plans for me, are for my own good. I find that promise scripted in the book of Jeremiah 29:11, as it says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Sometimes, our plans that we make for our lives are different from the plan that Christ has for us. I have realized that I can not control my life or what happens to me. My life is not my life to live. Its God's life that He has planned for me and He has chosen me to live it. And the plans that Christ has planned for me, may be things that I don't want to do. He may call me to another country (or state) that is 4,000 some miles away from my "comfort zone". He may have planned for me to marry some amazing guy who loves Christ just as much as I do, or He may not have me get married at all in life. His plans for me may entitle me giving up everything I possibly have in order to serve Him;whatever that may look like. We don't know the plans that He has for us, nor do I know the plans He has for me, but I can cling to the promise that those plans are not meant to harm me but they are meant to give me hope and a future. And with that promise, I have found freedom.
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